We hear that the increasingly sci-fi Star Jones confided to the coffee-klatch audience of The View that were she ever to end up in Terri Schiavo La-La Land, she has a living will that instructs doctors NOT to unplug any plugs or remove any damn feeding tubes, thank you very much.

Being a devout Christian gal, who offered tips on "Christian dating" in a recent book and subsequently married a very pretty mocha-colored Christian man (who has allegedly been known to fall to his knees in trembling paroxysms of prayer while ministering to the wayward homosexuals of Fire Island), Star is a vocal advocate for the "culture of life" — her own.

As foretold in the song “Fame,” Miss Famous for Being Famous wants to live forever. She simply can’t imagine ever letting go and so would prefer to live on and on in a persistent vegetative state, she confirmed, “like Sunny von Bulow,” the wealthy socialite who fell into a coma in 1982 under very suspicious circumstances but who continues to be maintained to this day in a manner fit for the Queen of the Damned:

"In her room in Columbia-Presbyterian Hospital, located in a slummy corner of north Manhattan," a University of Toronto study reported, "[Sunny von Bulow] is dressed daily by round-the-clock attendants who also see to her hair, makeup and nails. A small stereo radio fills the room with her favorite music. At no time [in over 20 years] has Sunny von Bulow ever given any sign of self-awareness."

Imagine then if you will, the de-lovely Star, dreaming with her eyes wide open, while make-up fairies and hair-color queens dither over her heaving, but well-fed, form in "daily maintenance" of the oil painting that is her face. (Is it just us, or does Star get herself up to look like Divine?, at right. The same knitting-needle brows, bald forehead, hellacious leer. All that’s missing is the hot-pink flamenco dress with mad flounces everywhere!)

Meanwhile, as soon as the Jones story broke, the postings over at Data Lounge, an all-gay message board, went off the charts. Here are our favorite responses to the question, "Why would Star want to live forever, in a vegetative state":

"Could we really tell the difference? (Other than the non chewing?)"

"God, she never ceases to amaze me. She must want to make sure Al [Reynolds, her husband] won’t let her die to inherit her wardrobe."

"It’s as close as she’ll get to a vegetable."

"I think religious people who profess such desires are absolutely convinced they will be burning in hell when they actually do die."

"This is Star’s only real hope for a diet plan that might work."

"I’d love to see Star in a persistent vegetative state…and I don’t mean Kansas, either."

Now, now, children! Play nice with the brain-dead celebrity.

© 2005, John Calendo. All rights reserved. Nightcharm.com