Haven't you thought about it? Maybe you've actually done it: Eyed that young parish priest or that righteous minister and wondered what was going on under his cassock, intuited that there was something about him and that with just the right look, word, touch, you could make that holy man a holy roller!
For most people it's an idle fantasy. For some, though, the fantasy winds up coming true! And lately, it's been a nightmare made flesh.
Real priests marching across the nightly news and morning's headlines -- in handcuffs! Men who crossed the line, who did something worse, much worse than breaking their vow of chastity: Men who exploited the vulnerable and fatherless.
But in the realm of fantasy (where everyone is over 18, of course), a lot of us are tweaked by the idea of someone who is holy by day and a hellcat by night. Every now and then a maverick porn video explores this very concept.
Putting religion and sex into a fuck-and-suck tale is risky business, literally. The market is limited. Sex plus church brings up all sorts of awkward feelings. Many of us were raised on religions that declared we were lost, forsaken people. Of course, that's part of the spark -- why we like to see holy men rutting around in the muck of their own bullshit.
Who doesn't get a charge from the headlines about the authority figure unable to resist temptation? Wasn't that why -- no matter what our politics -- the whole Bill and Monica thing was such nasty fun? We all dig it when the high and mighty tumble down to earth. We dig it when our "betters" succumb to desires and appetites that show them to be no better -- or worse -- then the rest of us.
So let's get to it, sports fans. Sex-and-God videos fall into four categories:
Today's sermon will be on the hot stuff, Temptation and Corruption. We'll save the ennobling stuff for another Sunday [and a follow up entry -- next week - Ed.]
Temptation videos don't concern themselves with reality. They often take a mythological approach that imparts an oddly Old Testament feel, even to the point of having a moral at the end -- albeit somewhat turned on its head. Demons, satyrs, angels appear and without any fuss or qualms cavort in the odd orgy or two (or ten). The Devil himself may arrive on the scene in a stagey puff of smoke and indulge in what used to be called the Satanic Kiss. In today's more prosaic times, we call it rimming.
In All Worlds' The Devil is a Bottom directed by Bud Light (a.k.a. Wash West), Blake Harper plays the title role. He grants three men the wishes they ask of a magic mirror: One man wants the hunk of his dreams, another lots of money, and the third, the big ole Dick o' Doom. Each wish, of course, has a catch, and the Evil One arrives just in time to collect his debt and take the men down into the bowels of hell. Here they are punished for all eternity by -- what else! --having sex with each other and the Devil. Amen -- a cautionary tale to put the fear of not going to hell in everyone. Oh, there is a tiny bit of punishment, a favorite moment in the film, when one of the men begs the Devil to screw him, prompting Blake Harper to utter the immortal line: "I can't. For the Devil is a bottom, you see."
Salvation, of a sort, appears at the last moment with the arrival of the angel Mickey Skee who announces that the men can go to heaven if they will but renounce their ill-gotten wishes. One of the men, bless his heart, decides that the others can take salvation, he'll take the hottest bottom in the cosmos.
In YMAC's The Devil and Danny Webster the devil tempts a young man by offering him 10 years of the good life before the required descent into Hades. Danny, too, is saved by the love of a good man, and of course, by lots of hot sex. (No, Edith Wharton didn't write the screenplay.)
In Bijou Studios' One Night in Hell, a man is dragged to hell one night -- it's not at all clear why -- where the Devil and his minions torture him in the most delightful ways. But they won't let him come! He is rescued, eventually, by his guardian angel, who descends upon the scene in leather-clad, shaved-crotch guardian-angel wear, sweeps up the much put-upon hero and -- like any good angel whose job is to watch your back -- fucks and sucks him until he shoots. When the angle leaves our poor, dazed mortal back on earth you can't help feeling the same yucky let down that Dorothy felt when she woke up in everything-is-fucking-brown Kansas.
Titan's Fallen Angel series develops the "leather angel" motif further. The series feature angels who fall to earth, lose their wings (more or less), then engage in S&M sex with humans and each other. Apparently, whips, chains, and fisting are all catnip to low-flying angels -- who knew? Piercing and violet wands give them that, well, angelic glow. It's all quite heavenly.
So the moral, boys and girls, is that angels can be had. They are suckers for the right kind of sex (nasty) , with the right people strapping hunks in crotch-less chaps). Always have five or six accouterments of the most extreme kind handy for those midnight annunciations. The heavenly host gets dizzy over those!
A final note. In all of these temptation videos, sin is usually renounced and salvation looms on the horizon-- in the form of more sex. It's seems sex is not the problem our earthly preachers make it out to be: it's choosing devils over angles. And just as in real life, that's a tough choice. Who after all wants sedate angel-food cake when they can wallow in the darkest and bitter-sweetiest of all chocolates?
Corruption vids take an unholy glee in the matter-of-fact notion that everybody is more body than soul.
In Missionary Position, Sweet Williams plays a priest who is beset by the seminary students at his school, all of whom are many years over 18. These wily, well-hung scholars make bold passes at the good father and their come-ons are -- gasp! -- always well received. The next thing you know his Sweet reverence is bent over a bench with a blonde up his bum. Of course, the students also have frequent and enthusiastic sex with each other. Practice makes perfect and these boys are always cramming for exams! Right there, in the sacristy, in their sacramental robes, not a blush of regret for anything or anyone. In the end, with knowledge aplenty, the seminarians go out to spread the Good News, as well as the legs and cheeks of those who hear it.
In Falcon's Bad Behavior, Marcus Iron and Chad Kennedy are door-to-door missionaries. When they try to witness to the evil Addison Scott, they find themselves getting a crash course in the ways of mansex and dildos of unusual size. Eventually, Marcus is so born-again by his leather encounter that he converts two of his fellow Mormons-on-a-Mission, Sam Crockett and Gage Michaels -- without benefit of a dungeon, alas. (We never do learn what happened to Chad. He may still be in Addison Scott's basement.)
Hot House's The Road Home touches only briefly on the corruption theme, but that touch is quite memorable! Ryan Idol plays, of all things, a priest -- surely an award-winning stretch for this Legend of Gay Porn. Co-star Tony Gibbs confesses to Father Ryan about how bad he's been recently (and he's been a very busy bee indeed by this point in the video.) Father Idol comforts him with a round of Whose The Bigger Sinner (You think that's bad, why I once....) The poor layman's sins pale next to our hero priest's. Idol senses that Gibbs feels strangely bested and so reassures him that his sins are quite hot in their minor, secular way and proves it by pulling out his cock and jerking off right there in the confessional. Quite moving, really. Father Ryan so loved the world that he laid down his spunk for his brother.
Cadinot's Sacre College is frequently cited as a famously scandalous video. It was, in its day. Now it seems mild. The plot is similar to Missionary Position: boys in a Catholic residential school have sex with each other everywhere, all the time. The worst thing the priest does is watch. Then he walks about in a perpetually gloomy, perpetually scandalized state. This, however, doesn't stop him from watching more lads at play, usually from behind some pole or flimsy curtain that wouldn't hide a chihuahua. The French, you know. They are a funny race.
Corruption videos occasionally have somewhat substantial morals (unlike the guileless temptation films that end with everybody going to heaven.) In them, holier-than-thou blowhards may be humanized by the seduction, put in touch with their physical reality. Sex and its open expression, they learn, doesn't make them "bad" people.
Usually, though, corruption videos just have one hell of a good time being knowingly, purposely wayward.
Bad can be Good! (To be continued next week)
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Iain Jackson contributes video reviews and essays for Nightcharm. He is meaty, beaty, big and bouncy, and resides in Chicago and can be contacted here.