Ever wonder who answers those emails about penis enlargers? The ones that slip in under subject lines like "Nicole is worried about you!" or "Did Claudia show you this?" And then, with nary a Nicole or Claudia in sight, the email takes off on flights of the most god-awful pidgin English, admonishing "all loving men" to "pleasuring her bigger. She deserves to be happy, doesn’t she?"

Well, that she does. All it takes is a big ole horse cock.

Just send in your $49.95 for a "new science discovery" that comes in the form of pills, usually — though lately, it’s been a patch to be worn on the abdomen with the added incentive "no exercise necessary" — a well known sell phrase, here used in a bizarre context: Exercise, as in the heavy-lifting of a glass of water to your lips and the awesome swallowing of a pill? Or is this a euphemism to protect what the spammer imagines are the sort of unworldly clients who would be susceptible to emails from Nicole and Claudia: some of those devout Promise Keepers, perhaps, who fear that masturbation — even in the interests of giving "her" the happiness she deserves — would still get them left behind on Rapture Day?

Few of these emails hawk a now ancient "scientific breakthrough" — that utterly unpleasant looking torture contraption called, in those simpler days of porn, "The Pump." The Pump is a mere sex-toy next to these new pills and herbal appliques, which come wrapped in the jargon of science and medicine. "Guaranteed to make your penis 15% bigger, 15% harder," one ubiquitous email promises, "according to leading studies."

Leading studies, you say (somewhat vaguely, absolutely generically)? From whom? The Brothers Grimm? Alas, only in fairytales (like the one at left) can our hero buy a few magic thingamajigs from a crooked man in a crooked hat and watch his beanstalk grow.

Still, who the heck is answering these ads? We blush to speculate. All we know is that one of the biggest penis-enlargement spammers was arrested yesterday and the FBI listed his yearly intake as $18 million! The 25-year-old lived in a $1.1 millon-dollar house and had several luxury vehicles, worth nearly $2 million.

From the British Tech-zine The Register:

Christopher “Rizler” Smith was nabbed after stepping off a flight from the Dominican Republic, where he had been operating since May after a federal judge shut down his Minneapolis-based spam businesses … and ordered him to stop marketing penis pills and other assorted tat. Smith allegedly sent more than one billion spam emails either to AOL email addresses or through AOL email accounts…

On 10 May, federal authorities raided Xpress Pharmacy and Smith’s home, seizing his passport and $4.2m in assets …. At the same time the FBI closed down his 85-employee company. Smith was charged with selling prescription drugs without a license but four days after appearing in a federal court he fled to the Dominican Republic …Court documents allege that by June, Smith had set up new websites under false names and was back selling drugs without prescriptions online and through a new call centre he had set up in the Dominican Republic

Oh well, big dicks, like big tits, make the whole world one. Everybody loves them (except the ancient Greeks who thought they were unaesthetic, hence the puny worms on their otherwise spectacular statuary).

Still as a wise old queen once told me — a brassy old thing renown for picking up the humpiest, steer-necked Marines from Camp Pendelton that anyone had ever seen: "Dick size, shmick size! It’s not the pen, honey — it’s the penmanship!

Special thanks to Penis Blog.

Members of the Inner Circle will recognize the boy in the Amazing picture up top as a hot item we featured recently. You can see more of Anthony’s …. um penmanship by clicking on the appropriate link, below:

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