"And a porn star shall lead them…."

Above Ed Fury, former Hercules, last seen 1995 in the straight-to- video Dinosaur Valley Girls ( "Disappointing," wrote one commentator on the Internet Movie Database site, "I was expecting a sex comedy with dinosaurs! All I got was women who expose their breasts now and then.") Ed Fury, sexual preference unknown, but here seen in his homo-sensation AMG modeling days — which is good enough for us. Please welcome Field Marshall General Ed Fury as we go into the fray to do battle with the Entire Fucking World!

There they are, glinting in the sun — swords , scimitars, morningstars – arrayed against us. The Christers, the Republicans, the Islamo-fascists — all great pals in this one. Talk about your sex comedy with dinosaurs!

Homos on the March against a phobic world, singing as we go, something put together by Jerry Herman, a pastiche of ESPN war chants and songs from Mame. Yet even as we stride onto the Plains of Mars, our flaming Homosexual Agenda is already in the hand of the enemy! Mrs. Betty Bowers, who bills herself as "American’s Best Christian" ("I’m so close to Jesus he uses my birthday to play Lotto!") has reprinted the whole damn agenda on her hilarious Christian-spoof website:

"8:00 a.m. Wake up. Wonder where you are.
8:01 a.m. Realize you are lying on 100% cotton sheets of at least a 300 count, so don’t panic; you’re not slumming.
8:02 a.m. Realize you are actually in your own bed for a change."

Other than the wartime 8 a.m. wake-up, Betty has got it just about right: The high-protein breakfast, watching the Today Show(" Wonder if the stories you’ve heard about Matt Lauer are true. Decide they must be.") The arrival at the office in the snazzy red convertible ("Try not to look too much like Barbie driving one of her accessories.")

It isn’t until the morning is spent chatting with best friends, slipping off for a hair appointment (“lowlights and cut"), slipping off to the gym, buying steroids from your trainer, lunching with "someone for whom you only know his waist, chest and penis size from AOL M4M chat" — only then, after the day is basically shot, do you finally get down to any real A-gender business:

"3:33 p.m. Assume complete control of the U.S., state, and local governments … destroy all healthy Christian marriages; recruit all children grades Kindergarten through 12 … secure complete control of the media … give AIDS to as many people as you can; host a pornographic “art” exhibit at your local art museum; and turn people away from Jesus, causing them to burn forever in Hell.
4:10 p.m. Time permitting, bring about the general decline of Western Civilization and look like you are having way too much fun doing it."

But wait, a sudden shock! Field Marshall Fury tell us that word has just come into camp: Betty Bowers is a spy for our side! Oh, Huzzah! Huzzah!, we say, and Hoorah!

Yes, the Betty Bowers site has been around since 2002, partly to promote a Christian spoof book What Would Betty Do?: How to Succeed at the Expense of Others in This World — and the Next. Her origins are mysterious, and when we wrote her, she took no credit for the site itself: "After all, I am simply typing what Jesus tells me, " she wrote back, "after cleaning up His appalling grammar and dreadful choice of metaphors."

All we know is Mrs. Bowers is a frequent contributor to the several sites created by Chris Harper (right), who is in charge of the satirical Landover Baptist Church ("Unsaved? Unwelcome!") where he serves as "Pastor Deacon Fred." Currently Pastor Fred is selling Jesus thongs, sponsoring a "Vacation Bible Gun Camp" for the little ones, and has just issued a Harry Potter Action Alert ( "The Ladies of Landover hold a midnight prayer vigil and form a love link, chaining themselves to the doors of Barnes & Noble.")

Harper came up with Pastor Fred when he was a student at — are you ready? – Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University! He gave the good Pastor Deacon his first airing on a campus radio show which — and who could have seen this coming? — got the unrepentant Harper and his co-writers righteously expelled!

The rest is internet history. As of March 2005, the Betty Bowers site is the first name to come up when people google the words "Christian Advice."

Be sure to visit both the Landover Baptist Church and Mrs. Betty Bowers (”If God created me in his image, I have more than returned the compliment”), where you can buy that great "Be a Man, Girl!" logo, featured above, on everything from T-shirts to magnets to boxer shorts. (But alas, no thongs!)