Still the Biggest Prick in Show Bizby John Calendo
Vincent Gallo claims that “everybody attacks you when you have a big cock.” We, then, will applaud him.
Especially now that the movie actor is set to share his dick with his fans. You see, Vincent is selling his sperm on his official website. Asking price? One million dollars. What else would you expect?.
We know what you’re thinking. Who the fuck is Vincent Gallo again?
Vincent Gallo is Nightcharm’s favorite kind of movie star. A little scary. A little psycho. Very cocky . And oh yeah — underline this — down on his luck. The guy hasn’t really worked since his â€¦ well … awkwardly authentic-looking blowjob from Chloe Sevigny in the vanity art film Brown Bunny, which Gallo directed, wrote and starred in.
The picture was wall-to-wall self-love for 93 Gall-orious minutes. And for our money, it remains the Citizen Kane of fame-whore tour de forces. We became huge fans of the even huger talent on display in that film. Too bad Gallo was later sued by an actor who claimed to be his “cock stand-in.” It’s a sad story and we were forced to tell you about it last March with a heavy heart and — as always — our trademark restraint.
But now our prodigal star has returned to the bosom of our good graces with his strange and upsetting Vincent Gallo for Sale website. Frankly, we don’t know if this is some sort of conceptual art stunt or the last gasp of a Selma Avenue crack whore — but our legal department advises us to go with conceptual art.
All we know is that Gallo seems to be ransacking his possessions and selling everything he can lay his hands on, including a “blue-fringe punk-rock jacket bought at age 16″ ($2500), a “gorgeous” tux worn at the Cannes Film Festival ($2000), and every magazine cover he was ever on, each one autographed and breathlessly labeled “out of print!”
Such is the love that Vincent Gallo has for Vincent Gallo that teenage fashion mistakes — things with fringes and too many zippers — that most of us would have thrown out years ago are here described — somewhat bizarrely — in the language of history and grandeur. In one photo, in fact, sweat stains are plainly visible on a label that has blackened from accumulated contact with oily hair. Yet this is presented as a selling point! It’s as if such stains are guarantees of provenance that will be required when the Smithsonian finally purchases the entire Vincent Gallo collection in the future.
But the photos pale next to Gallo’s sales pitch for his million-dollar spermatozoa. WARNING! Some passage may be too mind-boggling for the sensitive reader. (We’re not kidding. Some of this stuff is really offensive.) Set your phasers on stun, O, ye of strong stomachs and steely nerves, and read on:
Vincent Galloâ€™s Sperm — $1 Million:
Price includes all costs related to one attempt at an in-vitro fertilization (a $50,000 value) … Sperm is 100% guaranteed to be donated by Mr. Gallo who is drug, alcohol and disease free. If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000. However … after being presented detailed photographs of the purchaser, Mr. Gallo may be willing to waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for the sperm itself.
Those of you who have found this merchandise page are very well aware of Mr. Galloâ€™s multiple talents. But to add further insight into the value of Mr. Galloâ€™s sperm, aside from being multi-talented in all creative fields, he was also multi-talented as an athlete, winning several awards for performing in the games of baseball, football and hockey and making it to the professional level of grand prix motorcycle racing.
Mr. Gallo is 5â€²11â€³ and has blue eyes. There are no known genetic deformities in his ancestry (no cripples) and no history of congenital diseases. If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if itâ€™s a boy. (8 inches if heâ€™s like his father.) I donâ€™t know exactly how a well-hung father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby, but it canâ€™t hurt.
Mr. Gallo also presently maintains a distinctively full head of hair and at the age of 43 has surprisingly few gray hairs. Though his features are sharp and extreme, they would probably blend well with a softer, more subtly featured female.
Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration. In fact, for the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes. Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount.
Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar.
To be clear, the purchase of Mr. Galloâ€™s sperm does not include the use of the name Gallo. The purchaser must find another surname for the child.
Got that? Loves Lena Horne and “the German soldiers of the mid-century” (we believe they were called Nazis.) Sees the advantage of having a Jewish mother during Oscar mania. Has no cripples in his family — though he is strangely silent on the frequency of idiots.
And what was that about well-hung fathers?