Redneck Poster Boy and Lord Prince of the Bigots, John Rocker may be batting (left) but it isn’t for our team. The ex-baseball star is proudly notorious for his anti-gay, anti-black, I-Hate-New-York pronouncements. But can we just get real for one minute? — God, this guy is hot!
All of these guys are. Homophobic, sociopathic, you name it. But babes. Studmuffins.
Now, not all of these jokers are equally despicable. No, some pigs are more equal than others. Some are just … misguided … human beings. Luckily, in the spirit of No Fucktard Left Behind, we will be grading on a curve.
We don’t know if these guys are gay, straight or willing to fuck a barn door. Frankly, we don’t care. This is what we want, not what they want! Below then, the Top Ten Jerk-offs We’d Most Like to Jerk Around.
1. Scott Peterson
Who: Convicted killer who sits on Death Row in San Quentin for the murder of his pregnant wife, Laci. His hot Ben Affleck looks and two-timing ways made him the breakout star of many a Court TV henfest where Nancy Grace and her all-girl harpies would cluck and fulminate furiously.
Why We Hate Him: Yo, Scott. Did you have to kill her on Christmas? Did she have to be eight-months gone and ready to deliver? Because of you, we have the right-wingers with their “Baby Conner” movement (Conner was the intended name for the child), pressing to have the fetus declared a second murder victim. In this way, they hope to demagogue the death and provide a precedent to outlaw abortion.
Why We Love Him: We did mention the dicky Ben Affleck vibe, right? But you better take a number. According to the San Francisco Chronicle, Peterson had barely been on Death Row an hour when the first marriage proposal arrived. “Three dozen phone calls came in to the warden’s office on Peterson’s first day,” reported the newspaper. “Women were pleading for his mailing address, and one smitten 18-year-old said she wanted to marry him.” Silly girl.
Dick Index: We have two measurements. Dick as in Miserable Human Being and Dick as in Hot Cock. On the Miserable Dickhead scale, Scott rates a full hold-your-nose 10. Murder, in a country where divorce is second only to selling real estate as the national pastime, is soooo uncool. As the Hot Cock We’d Most Like to Meet in the Prison Shower, though, Scott racks up a very different perfect 10. Good work, Peterson. You rank as both the worst of the worst and the best of the best in our rogue’s gallery of terrible fucks!
FINAL TALLY: 10/10
2. Toby Keith
Who: Country western singer, known for his honky-tonk bar songs and jingoistic anthems in support of war, post-9/11 revenge and George W. Bush. Dubbed by Rolling Stone “the King of Ultra-Patriotic Country.”
Why We Hate Him: Hate is too strong a word, but disagree too pale for the visceral reaction we get to the politics that Keith, through his music, pushes in images that are both forceful and poetic. Keith walked away with every major award in country music after his much-publicized feud with the Dixie Chicks over his song Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue.
Though he describes himself as a “conservative Democrat,” Keith campaigned for Bush’s re-election. He should have known better. Conflating “support for the troops” with an uncritical acceptance of the Bush Administration’s plans for those troops — plans at times misinformed and willfully blind to correction — is not our idea of true patriotism but the easy, feel-good sort favored by yellow-ribbon bumper stickers.
Why We Love Him: Let us count the ways: Six-foot-4. 260 pounds. Former oil-field worker. Former rodeo hand. Former semi-pro football player. At this point, our hunk-o-meter starts pouring smoke and catching fire.
Dick Index: On the measure of Worst Guy in the Universe Because Your Politics are (Yes, the Dixie Chick’s Were Right) God-Awful Ignorant, Toby Keith rates a slap-on-the-wrist 3. On the scale Cowboy Whose Rodeo We’d Most Like to Be Ridden In — Oh, Toby! You get an all-American 10. Yee-hah!
FINAL TALLY: 3/10
3. John Rocker
Who: Loudmouth yahoo and ex-baseball star who became the Red States favorite son when he launched into a classic hit parade of rural Southern idiocy during an interview with Sports Illustrated. Complaining that there were too many “foreigners” in Manhattan, he added: “Imagine having to take the 7 Train to the ballpark, looking like you’re riding through Beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids.”
Why We Hate Him: As an aphrodisiac, even Big and Dumb has its limits.
Why We Love Him: Then again, Big, Dumb and Hung is pretty hard to resist: “Biggest cock ever,” raved an anonymous source to the ever “reserved” British gossips at Popbitch. 
“It was huge! He walked around the locker room completely nude and that massive dick just swinging! He went to sit down on one of the benches in the locker room, and that cock hung over the edge!”
Plus, we’re kind of turned on by Rocker’s in-your-face attitude. In the wake of the Sports Illustrated interview, Rocker was booed and taunted whenever he played in New York ( a favorite stunt: the stadiums would play Frank Sinatra’s New York, New York when he took the mound). “You degenerates!” he once hurled back at the crowd. “I’m still a millionaire and you’re still a piece of shit.” “You suck,” bellowed a nearby Mets fan. “Ah, suck this,” replied Rocker with a snug lift to his cup. See why we love him?
Dick Index: Rocker has made public professions of repentance many, many times. Followed, just as reliably, my more gaffes. We give him an A for effort. On the Really Bad Person Scale, he ranks a 3. On the Biggest Ball-Swinging Cock in the Shower Room – no contest, a whopping 10.
FINAL TALLY: 3/10
4. Joe Rogan
Who: Host of Fear Factor, as well as The Man Show. Doesn’t that say it all? The perfect marriage between disgusting and zipper busting — the ultimate qualifications for this list.
Why We Hate Him: There’s a special place in hell reserved for reality show hosts. And no one can serve a plate of wriggling caterpillar larvae with quite the gleam in the eye that Joe gets. It’s positively De Niro-esque, the glimmer of eye white, the maniacal glee.
In a hotly contested field, Rogan has the distinction of hosting what is simply the most degrading of the reality shows, where horror-movie cliches are re-enacted, but without stunt doubles or CGI blue screens. Fear Factor has offered us such aura-soiling spectacles as bikini-clad models bobbing for rats, celebrities you thought were dead writhing in “bug bags,” and the folks next door choking down raw bull testicles.
In the center of the depravity stands little Joe, presiding over it all with the same dirty half-smile that you see above. And you just know he’s grossed out, that he gets it, that he’s made his pact with the Dark Side and so with that maddeningly crooked smile (that hovers so close to a sneer) he embraces his role as fame-pimp to the Jerry Springer people, enabling their addiction to the bright lights, giving them a taste of celebrity — but, ah, first they must dive to the bottom of the snake tank and retrieve that hockey puck.
Why We Love Him: Humpy, humpy, humpy. Another hot wop from Boston. Next to these photos what more could we possibly say? Just this: Your Tony Danza update is now installed. You may delete your old Matt Leblanc workaround. Please reboot your system.
Dick Index: For being the Mayor of NightmareVille, we give him a 6, just passing. For the Latest Thing in Italian Stallion, we give him a generous 9. Not exactly Sly Stone — but wildly doable, yes?
FINAL TALLY: 6/9
5. Terrell Owens
Who: Football star, notorious for his self-congratulatory touchdown celebrations in the end-zone. An unapologetic showboater, Owens merely had to be suspended from training camp to attract photographers hanging out of helicopters and TV crews clamoring at his door while he lifted weights and did sit-ups on the front lawn of his mansion. Though he was on full traffic-stopping display, he did it all with with an air of magnificent obliviousness.
Why We Hate Him: He comes in right behind John Rocker for the sorriest outbreak of athlete’s foot-in-mouth disease. When asked in a Playboy interview if a teammate — and hated rival — was gay, Owens used this telling simile: “Like my boy tells me: If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, by golly, it is a rat.”
Hmm. In another context, in an another age, a white player might have said the same thing about one of his teammates, except the animal would not have been a “rat”, by golly, but one with a long evolutionary history as a racial insult. Nasty slurs are nasty slurs, no matter what the zoological context.
Why We Love Him: Then again we love guys who are this full of themselves. They’re so easy: just stroke their super-hung egos and their eyes light up. And Terrell has every right to be vain. “In an age where players are bigger and stronger than ever,” proclaims one Sports Illustrated writer, “Owens is the most physically impressive specimen in sports.”
Imagine the long, indented torso and hipless waist of a Brazilian beachboy, but packed into 260 pounds of solid football beefcake. Actually you don’t have to imagine it. Owens puts up new “modeling shots” of himself in various stages of undress every month on his website. Plus, he gets extra points for once swiping the pom-poms off a cheerleader and doing a funky hula dance for himself in the end zone.
Dick Index: He’s too much fun to hate. On the Awful Guy Index, he gets a nominal 2. On the Big Black Sex-Machine scale … well, we agree with Nicolette Sheridan. In a widely condemned pre-game skit that aired on Monday Night Football, Nicollete simply did what any normal person in a towel would do if they came upon Terrell in an NFL locker room. Drop the towel and be a desperate housewife no more. Terrell rates a 10!
FINAL TALLY: 2/10
6. Prince Harry
Who: Second son of Prince Charles and Princess Diana, third in line to the throne of England, rumored to be the son of not Charles but of Diana’s riding instructor James Hewitt, to whom Harry bares a strong resemblance, particularly in his coloring and rusty-red hair. Prince Harry (official name Henry) is 21 years old.
Why We Hate Him: Well there was that Nazi gaffe. Showing up in brown shirt with a swastika on his arm at a costume party, given the pro-Hitler sympathies of some of his great uncles, suggests a lack of reality checking on an almost Michael Jackson level. Understand, Harry is not yet detestable but, like Kevin Federline (see entry below), seems aboil with potential.
Why We Love Him: Because we fully expect him to fill the gap left behind by his aunt, the madcap mishap known as Princess Margaret. Certainly, his getting way too drunk at discos and smoking way too much dope in the palace is a good start. Then there’s the scuffling with photographers outside of Piccadilly nightclubs. Also the bad press. After the Nazi incident, the Guardian thundered (”Prince Harry seems less interested in preparing for a life of royal service than auditioning for the role of village idiot”) and the Times of London sniffed (”… spends his time with a dubious group of self-indulgent young men who are apparently content with a life of pointless privilege.”)
Self-indulgent young men?
Life of pointless privilege?
Not even his uncle Prince Andrew (a.k.a. “Randy Andy”) came this close to Princess Margaret territory. And on top of everything else, Harry is teddybear cute. But he better come to our room soon. Royals, unlike cheese, do not age well.
Dick Index: On the You’re Not Too Old For Us To Spank You Scale, Harry gets a 1 — barely a mark at all, simply a phantom placeholder for things to come. On the measure of Oh Boy You Know What They Say About Uncut Redheads, Harry racks up a royal 9 — not quite a kingly 10, but one never knows, does one? Who can say what tales will be forthcoming from lap dancers with book contracts? We sleep easy knowing that the gossips of the gutter press are on 24/7 Harry Alert.
FINAL TALLY: 1/9
7. Kevin Federline
Who: If you didn’t know better, you’d think Britney Spears was forever photographed with a particularly funky pimp attached to her arm. That would be Kevin Federline, backup dancer and aspiring gangsta rapper. K-Fed, as he is called in the tabs, is best known for drinking, getting stoned and making babies. When he married Britney he had just fathered his second child by his ex-girlfriend. Britney had to buy her own engagement ring. Kevin was not the kind of guy who was working a lot.
Why We Hate Him: Frankly we don’t have the goods on Mr. Britney Spears (yet), we just don’t like the looks of him. Does he not reek celebrity hanger-on? Is he not a Robert Blake Wait Here in the Car, Honey; I Left the Gun in the Restaurant murder waiting to happen?
Why We Love Him: Then again those looks are pure dirtbag. Scruffy, slinky, Trailer Trash Supreme! Ever since Marky Mark pulled on his dick, we’ve been crazy for dirty white-boys. And K-Fed truly is both dirty and stinky, if we can believe The Globe (and of course, we can’t but we do, Momma, we do!) According to Wikipedia (and, yes, Federline rates his own entry!) the popular website Fark insists on referring to him as Cletus and to Britney as Brandine — a reference to the slack-jawed yokels from The Simpsons — because of the couple’s lack of hygiene. In an episode of Family Guy, a fantasy sequence had Federline asking a magic mirror how he could “look like a douchebag today.” The mirror tells him not to shave, shower, or change clothing. “Just walk around with an undeserved sense of accomplishment.” That, as it turns out, proves no problem for the Fedster.
Dick Index: On the Evil, Ignorant Hick score, he gets a novice’s 4, but we expect that number to climb in the future. On the Stoned, Sleepy-Eyed Boy with Big Dick register, he gets an Ever-Hard 8. Sweet.
FINAL TALLY: 4/8
8. Jose Canseco
Who: With his mega-galactic butt and ‘roided out upper body, this baseball behemoth extolled the virtues of steroids in his tell-all bio Juiced. He then went to Capitol Hill to testify against his teammates for using the very same steroids, thus providing the Republican Congress with the hand-wringing show it wanted. One of the most hated men in sports, Canseco was the first player in major league history to hit at least 40 home runs and steal at least 40 bases in the same year.
Why We Hate Him: Brawling in bars and demolishing the wife’s car to get back at her we can understand. But nobody likes a snitch, amigo.
Why We Love Him: You have eyes, yes? You see big side of beef with dazzling baby blues? You need more reasons? Then let us turn it over to Bryan Curtis who wrote this love poem to Canseco in Slate:
For those who have marveled at baseball’s homoerotic rituals — the butt-slapping, the excessive man-hugs — let Jose Canseco, author of Juiced, add a more intimate encounter.
Canseco claims that while he was playing for the Oakland A’s in the late 1980s, he and teammate Mark McGwire would lock themselves in a bathroom stall and inject each other with steroids.
Pause on that image for a moment.
Canseco was 6 feet 4 inches and weighed in the neighborhood of 250 pounds; McGwire was 6 feet 5 inches and adding beef like an Arby’s franchise — for the two of them to squeeze into a men’s room stall must have presented something of a geometric challenge.
Now imagine McGwire gently lowering his uniform pants while Canseco (”I’m a good injector”) hovers over his derriere with a syringe, and add the fact that these men are enjoying this ritual immensely, even laughing about it, and there you have an enduring image of the Bash Brothers.
Dick Index: For not knowing when to keep his mouth shut, our Cuban bombshell registers a 7 on the Total Shit Scale. On the Man We’d Most Like to Squeeze Into a Bathroom Stall With, Canseco scores a full 10 — with extra credit if he can entice Mark McGwire to join us for a little uniform adjustment.
FINAL TALLY: 7/10
9. Jeff Gannon
Who: Republican shill who posed as a journalist and was waived into White House press briefings specifically to lob softball questions, sometimes in the form of anti-Democrat rants. His welcome wore out suddenly when several military men-for-hire websites came to light. Gannon (real name Jim Guckert) was unmasked as a $200-an-hour escort with an all-male clientele.
Why We Hate Him: “I never leave marks,” Gannon wrote in his escort profile, “only impressions.” Could he be any coyer? Could the smug self-satisfaction get any stickier! Yes it could– and it did. His nom de whore was “Bulldog,” the U.S. Marine mascot, and he would pose in his dog tags. The word back from the Johns was not promising. Gannon was an anachronism, the sort of gay man who might rim or feltch but would never kiss. Plus, “journalist” Gannon was always ready to parrot anti-gay Republican claptrap, alleging at one point that if elected Kerry would be “the first gay president” (because he would advance “the gay agenda.”)
Why We Love Him: Frankly, this man-whore looks like a walking erection, with his penis-dome head, cold eyes and primly set lips. And he did have the coolest comeback line of anyone ever publicly disgraced : “At some point in the future,” he told the New York Times, "everyone is going to have a picture on the Internet that they are unhappy about.”
Dick Index: On the Lousy Excuse for a Human Being scale, Gannon weighs in at a puny 6. He’s just not that good at being magnificently bad. He seems more to be pitied — particularly now with his 15 minutes long expired. Abandoned by his right-wing paymasters, he pens an infrequent column for the Washington Blade, a respected gay newspaper, where he continues to — get this! — dance around the issue of whether he’s gay or not. Sad, no?
Not so sad is his Hot Cock with Flag Lapel Pin Score. We have, after all, seen the evidence — as has the entire World Wide Web. A nice sturdy 8, we’d say. Now Jeff, one final question. Exactly who were you socking it to in the West Wing? According to the White House logs , released only by force via a Freedom of Information request, Gannon enjoyed “numerous overnight stays.” We shudder to think with whom? Karl? Scott? — Condi! It’s all too disturbing!
FINAL TALLY: 6/8
10. Orlando Bloom
Who: Breakout star of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Lithe, agile and loaded down with blonde hair extensions, Bloom became the most requested celebrity on Google as the ethereal Legolas, an elfin archer. But once out of his long blond weaves, Orlando was abandoned by the teenage girls and his promising career was sidelined by a series of flops.
Why We Hate Him: Orlando Bloom is an object lesson in how a haircut can make or break a career. Without those elfin ponytails, Bloom has only his soft face and blandly sensitive features to fall back on. As the New York Times pointed out in a review of one of his recent movies, “Mr. Bloom distinguishes himself, in this performance as in most of his others, by his steadfast reluctance to explore his range as an actor.” In a word, Bloom is B.O.R.I.N.G.
Why We Love Him: He appeals to the cheap little teenage girl in all of us. Truth be told, he makes our man-pussies wet as the morning dew. And because we’re much too butch to be feminized by so pretty a young elf, we want to grudge-fuck him into Middle Earth.
Dick Index: For Being an Unsurpassable Bore, Orlando rates a healthy 7. However, he was not so boring that he couldn’t be featured in one of our favorite Hollywood rumors in which he and Viggo Mortensen were banging cod pieces in the wilds of Mordor. Therefore, on the Cock We’d Most Like To Fondle on a Foggy Night in the Shire, Orlando gets a 9
FINAL TALLY: 7/9
Now it’s your turn, Nightcharmers.
What raunchy fucks would you like to see on this list?
Photo Credits:Top photo, John Rocker at bat
© Jim Hancock
Terrell Owens photos
© 2003, 2004 Terrellowens.com
Don’t know about you, but I’d love to “let my freedom ring” in Sean Hannity’s hot little hole. His views are despicable and that baby-faced smirk should be slapped off his face, but there’s something hot in those dark Irish features. I have no idea what that body looks like without the blue shirt (has anyone EVER seen him unclothed?)
Evil? Definitely. Fuckable? I think so.
God help me — but Jack Abramoff is giving me major wood as of late. It must be something related to my crazy childhood — he sort of looks like my uncle Ron!
Why does having a different political viewpoint elicit such anger and vitriol within the gay community?
Keep in mind that in the U.S., we are free to watch popular sitcoms about gay characters, and buy CDs by recording artists whom are gay. But in many Muslim countries, they entertain themselves by watching the execution of gay people in a public square.
Who is the real threat to us ?
Let’s try to have a sense of perspective about things.
Level Headed my ass.
Keep your self-righteous bullshit to yourself.
AGGGGHHH just proved my point—different points of view are just not tolerated in our community.
I dunno guys… ermm…
This whole fascination with people with rotten insides bewilders me. Even if a guy is pleasing to the eye, I just can’t get wood from a nasty whackjob.
Maybe my cock has a conscience after all.
Lighten up folks.
I can’t believe that a thread on “bigots we’d like to fuck” featured on a site that’s all about fantasy has turned into this.
Who knew Nightcharm was a hotbed of political correctness?
I guess if Dave had said he would sell his soul to fuck these guys, that foxy little Gordon Robertson would be posting
Shit, so much for having an ounce of respect for this site.. John Rocker? Scott Peterson?! Why didn’t you add in the thugs who killed Matt Shepherd?
And spare me the “take your self-righteous shit elsewhere” crap.
kevin phonyline was a good call, don’t know who u should pick but there is better looking slime out there.
Joe Rogan put out a rather homophobic comedy album a few years back as well.
It’s not about fantasy and it’s not about political correctness, JJ. My cock isn’t democratic. I can’t fathom (and I have a very active sex life, kinks, and an imagination) how you get from point A (ie. seeing some dimwit with a panchant for showing what a bore they are in public) to point B (ie. getting your cock to even salute unless you’ve lobotomized yourself to get over the fact that the guy before you is subhuman and not even worth touching with Bea Arthur’s dick).
It’s about standards. Call me funny, but I always fantasize about people I like because I like to get hard with the goal of shooting a big wad of cum. If I had to choose between Joe Rogan or eating bugs, I’d choose the bugs. At least they have redeeming qualities.
Of the ones I’d fuck, I’d do it out of spite. And I’d get finished before they could come.
Hey, does anyone know if this is true: I heard that Toby Keith said something like AIDS was God’s wrath against homosexuals. Does anyone know about this. If it’s true, I don’t care how humpy he is, he’s too much of an asshole for me.
Agreed, JJ in ‘Bama. Just didn’t think it was all that level headed to use a site like Nightcharm as a soapbox for offering a world perspective. I completely support Sean Hannity’s right to be what I personally consider to be an arrogantly ignorant ass. What I don’t support is Level Headed scolding anyone on a site such as this and feeling a need to educate. There are plenty of other places he can quench his need to preach to those he feels need the gift of his world view.
Back to the beautiful boys! That is, after all, the reason we’re here, eh?
Jose Canseco is majorly hot! Cubans are pretty hot to start with, but a man that size with a face like that is “MMMMMM MMMMM MMM”!
Fuck the political diatribes. George W. Bush in his younger days was kinda hot — you know, the military uniform pics. Okay, so it was all fake. So what? It was kinda hot. Ditto for Dan Quayle in his younger days. And then there’s Steve Largent, who is/was a congresscritter from Oklahoma and viciously antigay, but also hot during his football playing days. I could imagine him with his lip curled and his dick in my mouth.
I’m such a traitor. So sue me.
Just a small point from a Brit. Prince Harry is not, unfortunately, uncut, and neither is Prince William or Prince Charles or any other British Royal Prince. British Royal Princes are always circumcised, I’ve no idea why, it’s maybe just tradition. Perhaps it’s because if it became medically necessary when adult, the newspapers would be full of items about a royal penis, and we can’t have that, now, can we?
Hear, hear, Level Headed! We all would be
One of the guys that I hate but I would love to fuck is Tom Green. I hate almost all of the movies that his is in but boy is he majorly hott! I just want to undo his pants and suck that big penis of his.
Brit Chris, I remember reading a story years ago that said, unlike his father and uncles, Prince Will was NOT circumsized.
I can totally see the idea of being at once repulsed and turned on by some guys. I’d love to bend Ralph Reed (former xian Coalition pretty boy) over for a little fun (for me anyway), but he’s personally too distasteful for words. No reach around for you Ralphie-boy. I work with a guy that is so mentally junior high it’s disgusting. I find him totally repulsive, yet he is dripping so much testosterone across the office I can’t help but fantisizing about servicing him in any way he likes. What is it with that dichotomy?
Not from the US so don’t know these guys at all, and to be honest don’t even think they’re that hot (except maybe for Rogan) But totally love the idea and congratulations on the size of your balls for putting it out there. I hope each one of these massive dickwads is aware of their inclusion on this list, and as for the uptight politically correct dickwads who object, if they’re hot they should be on the list as well.
Toby Keith is nothing more than a choir boy acting out a farse of an image constructed by his record company to drain the last $$$ from a nation in need of some good ole boy rah rah-ing and to foster Bush brownie points. Why would he do this? well, he needs to eat just like everyone else does and quite frankly he has and still is laughing his way to the bank! Why do I see him like this.. could it be because his first album and public appearances showed a totally different image of what Toby Keith is. Needless to say, I don’t think he is in the least bit hot.. but that’s just my opinion.
i definately think joe roegan is a stud. if given the chance i would jump his bones
you guys are fuckin hottttttt
show me the cocks
Well from my point of view, me and my best girl, Amber love Toby Kieth and Orlando Bloom, they are both so damn hot, that I wish i was their bitch and get fucked hard by both of them….but they are straight, so i would love to watch them go after my girl too…lol (crossing hands over legs and giggling.)
you are right about that toby keith. i stand against everything he stands for, but he is so hot, he is welcomed in my tent anytime..
Chris Dewitt Says:
January 9th, 2006 at 5:29 am
Just a small point from a Brit. Prince Harry is not, unfortunately, uncut, and neither is Prince William or Prince Charles or any other British Royal Prince. British Royal Princes are always circumcised, I’ve no idea why, it’s maybe just tradition. Perhaps it’s because if it became medically necessary when adult, the newspapers would be full of items about a royal penis, and we can’t have that, now, can we?
I read in a biography of Princess Diana that she prevented both Harry and William from being circumcised
Howard Dean. I want to suck him dry and hear his silly rebel yell when he comes.
Orlando Bloom is so cute!!!!!!
Peter Youngblood Hill has great potential…
Johnny Rocker is an asshole but a HOT AS HELL asshole…and fucking PACKING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.
I’m going to put this as delicately as I know how – I would gladly do things with Toby Keith that would scare a pit bull! My buddies and I had seats in the front row of the “club” level at his concert in Atlanta and they had to keep reminding me to stop leaning over the railing as I was drooling on the people seated on the level below us! If he’d fulfill my fantasy and f**k the livin’ hell out of me, he wouldn’t even need lube – just spit and determination, and I might forego the spit anyway! WOOF!!!!!!!!!!
I can’t belive my eyes!i’ve always loved Orlando Bloom.. I mean it, any time one of my boy friends got in a fight i’d tell them i’d drop em like a potato to sleep (and do more) with orlando:)
I’m a brazilian guy. Well, I’d like to suck them. Joe Rogan is so beautiful. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH! Kisses!!!!
I agree about Howard Dean– would like to get piston fucked by him while he goes Tarzan. Hot! And how about a threesome with Jon Edwards joining in??
That photo of Orlando Bloom is a sad fake. I ought to know; I have 292 MB of Orlando photos on my hard drive.
Totally agree about Canseco. I spent the late 80s wearing yellow and green. Then once you realize he has a twin brother…
Agree with you Stew about Orlando. It’s amazing how that wonderful manip has taken on true life of its own! And you’re as much of a nutter as I am with Orli photos, it appears…LOL
Okay, we get it. The Orlando Bloom shirtless pic (above) is a fake, and yes we were fooled.
At this point, the photo has taken on a life of its own (Dorian Gray, anyone?) and rather than switch it out with the actor’s actual chest (nice but ordinary — like Orlando himself), we’ll stick with this spectacular Photoshopped fake so readers who come late to the party know what the comments above are giggling about.
The body and hair actually come from Travis Fimmel, who in our opinion has a hotter face than bland-o Orlando. (See the actual Fimmel photo here.)
Let it be.
I absolutely love the walking erection guy, I’d fuck the shit out of him! But there are some other ones up there that I hate but would love to fuck! Such as Tom Green, Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, Benji and Joel from Good Charlotte, Pierre from Simple Plan, the dude who plays Eric Mathews on Boy Meets World, The dude who plays Shaun on Boy Meets World, and a bunch of my teachers XD
I would like to suggest that erotic icon of every red-blooded neo-con, Ann Coulter. Some may say she’s a woman, but we know better.
Someone upthread was gutsy enough to mention the younger GW Bush as a hottie, so I gotta throw this in…seen any pictures of the college-age wrestler known as Don Rumsfeld? Major woof.
And so was Cheney, btw. Young, with his squared-off flattop and his blond hair, he looked like a real Viking fuck. Well, some things never change. He’s still a Dick.
NOBODY has yet thought of Richard ‘Night Stalker’ Ramirez, working those sexy shades?
Someone sent me a pic of Prince Harry in the park. You could see the outline of his dick and I do have to say it is huge.
Sure John Rocker is a hottie, but there’s no fun or pleasure in fucking a “big” asshole.
Prince Charles was circumcised. Diana ended the tradition. Neither William or Harry was circumcised on the orders of the Prince and Princess of Wales.
Jack Nasty, on his posting of the 4th September 2006, should have written ` Neither William nor Harry were circuncised…`
But why should a dick , royal or common , be of such interest to anyone?
SM
Interesting article by The Stranger about internet porn:
“By and for the thinking gay man … is a website called NightCharm which has roll call of such distinguished honorees like Scott Peterson, Kevin Federline and John Rocker for a top ten list of the “worst guys (that we’d like to fuck)” etc
Nobody mentioned Tucker Carlson. Too conservative for my liking, but oh boy would I like to lick Tucker’s pucker…
i would so fuck Rafael Verga!!!!!!!1he is just so heavenly…i’d have fun for a long time!!
u guys should have add bow wow(shad). I know he is a rapper singer but ciara said he’s gay but it kinda true, he is bi…not “gay”. BUT damn, he’s HOT!!!!
Scott Peterson is the best representative of a hot murderer (convicted, anyway) that could be found?! Yuk. Give me Jesse James Hollywood, any day, if I have to have a cellmate.
And let’s not forget Anderson Cooper. Comes from Vanderbilt money, oozes telegenic empathy, has the most INCREDIBLE blue eyes, and a body I’d love to rough fuck for days.
Oh, and he’s playing for our team.
I LOVE COCKS!!
I believe thats we should akk just get along. i mean hell, were all gay and were all here to see gay men fuckig each other. Lets get past are are differences and watch some enjoyment.
Most of us will never get an opportunity to mess around with any of these guys anyway, so let’s just root for Ann Coulter to get porked by them. Perhaps all that bitchy queen needs is to get her skinny ass laid and then she will shut the %&*# up
I really like the NBC correspondent Richard Engel. He covers Mideast stories. I don’t know his views, but he’s a major hottie!
Tom Cruise…..enough said. he is evil, lies, and most likely on the team anyway, buty still HOT at 43
Scott Peterson? Damn I wish the prison he is in, would let me in his cell for a few hours so I could suck his dick, give me a few hours on his crotch, that’s all I want.
Why Not “CHRIS DAUGHTRY”? (American Idol wannabe), Shit I’d eat his asshole out and suck his dick so damn long his head would cave in. I’d love to see his dick and balls and then suck and lick for hours.
I believe Dean Cain should be in this list as he such a prick tease!
First having played the “oh my god how big are your pants” Superman, then later in his many declining years he plays “Hello, Fucked You, Goodbye” Cole in Broken Hearts Club: A Romantic Comedy.
Straight or bi-curious, dean is always welcome to spurt into my bed, just bring that amazing blue and red job with you!
Id personally like to fuck the shit out of tucker carlson..even better would be tag teaming him with his nerdy little assistant..maybe after raping his ass for a few hours, he’d be too dazed to open his trash filled mouth.
Good Morgen! WOW what a mind blowing witty entry DK! rite on! Danke ever so much for the shitload of free cognitive therapy I experienced after browsing thru the fabulous list of 10 worst guys WE’D like to fuck (KEVIN FEDERLINE FOR PREZIDENT 2009-2013–K ‘NUFF SAID)….(and oh YES! THANK YOU JEEZUS for allowing this thread to continue past Hallowe’en.. Nov 2nd 2006 baybeh, ?who would’ve thunk? )
however, JJ in sweet home(Ala)bama’s “Sean Hannity” worst guy fantasy posting did tickle my fancy .
JJ has hit the nail on the head with his “worst IRISHMAN WITH DARK features that i’d like to fuck” fantasy.. except that ..
HOLY SAINT PATRICK’S SHAMROCK , JJ sweety, ya get confused? you picked the WRONG dark Irishman , quite the awkward social blunder lol!
SHURLY you meant !!*COLIN FARELL*!!.NOT Sean ‘faux news’Hannity??
MMMMMMKAY? NEEDED TO SET THINGS STRAIGHT heh
I HEREBY EXTEND THE LIST BY 1 TO INCLUDE THE 11TH WORST GUY I’D..ERR WE’D LIKE TO FUCK AND THY NAME IS COLIN (O’)FARELL.
Heard a group of black men gang raped Scott Peterson, said they tore that white pussy up. Would love to had watched. News said 8 big dicked black men took turns in that ass and stretched the fuck out of it. Now he’s the property of one black guy with 11 inches and loves every minute of it up his ass.
My “bad-boy” fantasies are SO banal compared to those above: one of my cousins (now doing time in federal prison for various stupid offenses, none of them violent); a shrink who wouldn’t even discuss with me that I thought I was gay, and kept telling me to “just be a man”; a truly disgusting boss who went on a diet and pumped up so fast (and got so surly) that he HAD to be doing steriods; porn star Daniel Holt (we went to grade school together…really).
The true celebs (sports figures, movie stars, music stars, etc.) never do it for me — it’s like falling in love with a statue or painting. What’s the point? The exception are the porn star or two who I’ve managed time with…
WTF!? Anderson Cooper has seriously been dissed. Especially since you included that whackoff, fame-thirsty Jeff Gannon.
Straight men I’d fuck even though some are morons:
Sean Hannity
Alec Baldwin
Terry Bradshaw (15 yrs ago)
Howey Long
Joe Rogan
Ami (Miami Ink) yum
Matt Lauer
George Bush (10 yrs ago)
Dr. Phil (Daddy)
Howard Dean
The list could go on forever but I have other things to do.
Richard Ramirez, yeah…I feel weird about myself for thinking so, oh well
Why are gays so damn filthy minded? You’ll never get respect.
If you ever update or augment this list, how about including Olympic Bomber Eric Rudolph? With the facial hair, he is kind of cute: (link)
Hey, dot dot dot,
What is it you find so filthy minded? Sexuality, homosexuality or humor?
Well. All I see is people talking about wanting to get cum pumped in there ass and mouth. And talking about ass holes and what not. Don’t you ever just say “He’s attractive” instead of “oo i want to suck his dick and fuck his ass”
I have one to add. He’s not really a horrible guy, but he’s a politician and therefore probably not the best person in the world. Russian President Vladamir Putin. I would love a night alone with him dressed only in a beaver hat. I would give him a 2/10.
Me and my boyfriend Michael were sitting here reading this material and we both think the Orlando Bloom is soooo fucking hot!!! And damn right we would both do him anyways!!!!
I’m a straight, married mother of two who just absolutely loves gay men and gay porn! I just wanted to say thank you for posting your fantasies and I have to agree that I myself wouldn’t mind seeing most of the men on the list getting pummeled with a nice fat one!
One other note to add….I’d cum a river if I ever had the oppurtunity to watch Matthew McConaughey get downright nasty with another man. Even more so if it were several men
我是小日本~
哈哈~
That is hot Michelle.
I chose Tobey MacGuire(Spiderman Guy) I’d like to shower with him or even watch him wank his pride and joy. Wow!
Alongside Scott Petersen, I’d have to include Cary Stayner, who brutally murdered 4 women near Yosemite back in ‘99.
When he was first arrested, there were pictures of him being led away shirtless, and man, did that guy look HOT!
Of course, by the time of his trial and conviction, he’d gained 30-40 lbs, but, oh man, that first vision of him was damn impressive. Wonder what he looks like now after years of prison weightlifting?
Cary was the older brother of Stephen Stayner who was kidnapped for several years back in the early ’80s, kinda like that kid recently found in MO. Sadly, Stephen died in a motorcycle accident some years later.
well in addition to the stupidly right ring and stupidly hot John Rocker, who has one of the largest dicks in baseball, there is James Wood, who is is apparently vying for that same title in acting/comedy now that Uncle Miltie is gone. James is right wing no doubt, (he wanted to play rudy Giuliani is his biopic) but I have it on verificable authority from former roomates at MIT that it is huge and he knows it.
We also hear about LL Cool J, Vanialla Ice, Huey Lewis, Michael Bolton, and snoop Dogg
You guys are fucking fags lol!! None of you queers are getting near my package! Ew you queers stick things in other mens bums!! thats not natural you make me more sick than New Yorkers!
Funny, don’t think the real John Rocker would use the word “bum.” The preferred Americanism is “butt”, though John looks like an “asshole” man to me.
Just my 2 cents
Give me Joe Rogan, sexy shit you kno he has a tight little ass, yummy!!!
In response to everyone that said that, “their dick has a conscience…” and wouldn’t fuck them because they don’t agree with their political ideology, I would just like to explain why I feel this is an awesome erotic article. Remember in high school when you would see all those hot guys strutting around, but you knew that they were assholes and you could never have them? Didn’t you ever just want to fuck them to show them who’s boss? It’s just like that! It’s a, “hey asshole, I’m going to ram your ass with my cock because I want to” feeling. It’s a way of showing them that you are their equal, and I think it is very hot.
Prince Harry was an awesome choice for this list too. He is so amazingly hot! Though he is not asshole bad like the others, he has an edge that really turns me on.
If I could choose another celebrity to put on this list, I would choose Tucker Carlson. He’s not really an asshole, but I just have this fantasy of fucking his ass! His facial expression would be amazing. Check it out some time!
That’s all for now,
HotForCock09
I want all of those fuckers to feed me their hot cum, mmmmmmmmm…..I can taste it already.
I actually can’t take most media representations of gays on TV and in movies currently because most fall into the Swish & Mince It categories where we’re cast as fey best friends or wildly effeminate caricatures with no real organic masculinity. An article like this is healthy in its way because it shows that gay male sexuality has a potent, rugged, belligerent, and raucous edge that straight men are just so arrogantly convinced we innately lack. Guess again. We have testosterone too.
I’m not into the jailhouse fantasy aspect of some of the examples. It’s just not my thing. I’ll admit I’d love to bend Joe Rogan over by force and hear him grunt for it. Canseco is a douchebag, but I’d love to turn the tables on him and make him my willing object.
As for Toby Keith, if it came down to touching him or putting out a lit cigarette in one of my eyes, I’d debate how necessary depth perception is.
My god, this comment was so fabulous I lost my swish, popped a boner and rediscoverd, once again, why the BRAIN is the largest erogenous zone in the body. You’re smart, on-the-money, funny and you should be writing — or at least commenting regularly — for us.
Thanks Gry!
David K.
Publisher
I have to say that I love this witty and fresh site. It actually depicts us as complex men with a range of sentiments about the world around us. As someone in my late 20s, I always end up having to reaffirm my masculinity, even to friends and acquaintances, reminding others that I’m not just a woman trapped in a man’s body. Gay men’s minds aren’t mentally arrested in childhood– we’re real men who move outside the lines and can get as down and dirty as any hetero guy. We can compete.
I have to sadly say that my longtime heart throb Jeremy Piven probably deserves mention in this thread. Now that he’s become famous enough to warrant it, he seems to be joining the ranks of Hollywood’s worst dickheads. The hirsute, compact, curvaceous, ironic, and clever guy I once admired now seems full of himself and all the less charming because of it. Yeah, I’d still lay into him…because he needs it now more than ever.
Please be nice to the queer community, let’s respect all those homosexual who want to be patriotic like John Edward. Thank you and God Bless America!
What, Vin Diesel and John Cena didn’t make this list? There are quite a few guys who are hot but are also assholes.
I’d fuck these guys female-preying-mantis-style:mate with them frantically, then tear their heads off afterwards.
How about some of the FoodTV stars like Tyler Florence, Bobby Flay, and Alton Brown (only when he doesn’t shave, of course)?
For the record, Joe Rogan is a mixture of Native American and Irish American – no Italian blood in him. One very hot man.
MMM I’d fuck all of them on the list, espessially Kevin, Joe, & John!!!
Trust me Boys having worked security for The Atlanta Braves Clubhouse…..Rocker had the biggest damn tool the club had ever seen. A Horse.
There are two guys in music I just drool over. One is Daryl Hall-so tall and drop-dead handsome. The other is pure white-trash sexy tease-Kurt Cobain. Yeah, I know he’s dead, but, Good God, he was very sexy low rent trailer trash. His pics on the net show how good looking he really was up close.
Let’s face it – some of these guys are hot but most of us wouldn’t last two minutes trying to have a conversation with them. Also, if you have to prance around in front of your pick-up truck you have way too many issues with your masculinity for me…
John Rocker, I’ve heard from SEVERAL people in Atlanta, has actually slept with men and DOES have an insanely huge dick.
Someone mentioned Sean Hannity – he is hot as hell until – of course – he opens his mouth. I also have the hots for Dean Cain but I know he’s done some Republican campaigning
FoodTV stars? No one mentioned Dave Lieberman? Is he actually gay?
And someone also mentioned Jeremy Piven – whom I’ve long had a crush on (damn that hairy chest) but I’ve seen him in non-acting situations and he is really cocky, and quite frankly, a prick.
Tom Cruise and John Travolta I’ve never found attractive. Even less so since they pretend they don’t play for our team.
I love John Rocker so much–I’d love to worship his huge dick and be his bitch
How about The Dog’s son LeLand? I would just love to let him have his way with me!!
i want to see more naked men on NIGHTCHARM….
How about Jason Stantham, Carl Quintanilla (Squawkbox), Guy Ritchie, Tom Brady and Matt Damon?? Am I right? They are all hot…. imagine all five at once.
Come on guys…Bush and Cheney have kept our asses safe…stop being such Dem wusses…what do you guys like being p-whipped…the Dems party is full of hard gals and girlymen. You dopey guys give aid and comfort to Islamnic radicals that would chop off every gay dick in sight and stuff it in your mouths. You work against your own security when you vote Dem…how stupid are you all. Gay Repub here!