Let us peek behind the curtain.
Let us cock the ear.
O, starlight starbright, who can these lovebirds be?
She: You were always the pilot who gunned his way to the top, the boy who danced in his underwear, the secret agent on impossible missions. Well, you’re not a kid in your underwear anymore! Now that’s the truth. To face. And deal with — if you want to survive.
He: Yeah? You’re nothing but a rotten, stinking TV has-been from a teen soap-opera! Supplying the soppy angst that made that shitty show run. You think your life’s a mystery. There isn’t a casting couch in this town that I don’t know about — and your ass has been nailed on every one of them! You reek of it!
She: DAMN YOU! Are you crazy! Are you! Tell me!
(He leaps onto the sofa)
He: I’m crazy! ((jumping up and down) I’m crazy!
She: Get down. Oprah’s not here now.
(From the wings): Oh yes, I am.
(Oprah enters)
He: Oprah, please!
(Oprah turns in her tracks, without comment, still studying her script. She recites the opening lines of tonight’s show to herself as she heads into the den.)
Oprah: Movie Star Has it All — Wife, Motorcycle, and Bay-bee On the Way!
He: (in a hasty aside to She) This is wonderful! WONDERFULl! You deliberately embarrass me in front of a reporter — a reporter! I told you how important this at-home special was to me. Yet you deliberately defy me!
She: (cold and slow) Why did you marry me?
He: Whhat!
She: Why — did you marry me? (Fierce:) I want to know!
He: Don’t you ever read your contracts, you sick twat! Maybe I did it to get a little cover — you know that’s not true!
She: Maybe just a little true. Hell, more than a little… maybe a whole bunch!
He: I don’t ask much from you, girl! Just to shut the fuck up, hang off my arm on the red carpet and get lost afterwards. You don’t even have to live with me. I buy you the most beautiful house in Holmbly Hills. I get you beautiful parts in beautiful productions, and you walk through them like you were some kind of dishrag! Three-hundred million dollar productions! On an anorexic clothes-hanger!
She: That… is a LIE. (Then: Catching a whiff of his breath.) I see. You know where to find the boys — and the booze.
(He slaps her in a sudden rage. Narrowing her eyes, she turns back slowly and glares at him. He slaps her again)
He: (regretting it immediately, in mournful voice) I’d rather cut off my hand …
She: Don’t. You. Act. For me!
He: You love it, don’t you. You love to make me hit you! Why can’t you give me … the respect that I’m entitled to? (Becoming breathless with rage) Why can’t you … treat me … the way I would be treated by ANY stranger in the street.
She: (with building malevolence that peaks in a screeching howl) Because I am NOT … one of your… Cumdumps!
(A rather sour-faced little girl, one of His adopted children, enters from the pool, her blue swimsuit trailing droplets. The little girl is stunned by what she sees. Her daddy is trying to strangle his new beard.)
Child: That’s not fair! That’s not fair.
He: (looking up from where He and She are sprawled on the floor, having crashed through a glass coffee table. Patiently, a father teaching a lesson:) Ah, pumpkin. But nobody said life was fair. I’m a bigger and stronger star than she is. I will always win.
(Horrified, the child runs over to Oprah in tears. Oprah embraces the girl, falling to her knees so they can speak at eye-level.)
Oprah: (quite moving) Your father has been practicing and practicing. You know how he wants everything to be perfect. This time its even more important. They are making your father take a screen test. Do you know what that is?
Child: When they’re not sure they want you?
Oprah: Do you know how demeaning that is for your father? And it’s a role he was born to play.
Child: Ca … Lee…?
Oprah: That’s right, sweetheart. Caligula.
(In the other room, He and She are back on their feet, still arguing. He is grabbing her by the wrist as she twist away from him)
She: (in mid-sentence, voice rising) — Oh, you don’t know what hard feelings are till I come out publicly against this charade. Then see how much popcorn you sell.
He: Don’t fuck with me, lady
She: Oh right. Like this is your first time at the rodeo.
Kudos to the anonymous poster on Datalounge,
who came up with the original concept.
And hosannas in the highest, to
the masterpiece Mommie Dearest ,
soon to be released in a new
“Hollywood Royalty” edition (June 6)
Everyone KNOWS Tom is gay…look at his early movies before his “acting” got better…he is soooooo gay acting (effeminate) in them…
I do admire Tom. He is nothing if not passionate about his denial. Do you suppose he is whorish enough to use his coming out for a final suck at celebrity’s teet when his career has finally hit the wall?
If Cruise is gay I hope he stays in the closet. Don’t want him doing for gay what he’s done for Scientology.
I agree, scientology is a very bad secte (or cult whatever you wanna call it). Like many peaople before him, sectes often try to get their dirty hands on money makers. There are many truths out there, whether it is scientology, or a church, or whatever, they all just want to get control over you, and probably your money with it. It is better to stay in doubt.
Would TC be gay, I agree with you, Tom, that he’d be better off staying in the closet. Besides that, I think he isn’t such a great actor at all. Hmm, perhaps, NC, you could black mail him and get some spicy pics of him at a post in a near future?
I totally agree with Tom and Derreck about Cruise. I dont have the respect that I once had for him both as a human being and an actor anymore. He is so out of sync with reality as far as respecting other peoples and their religious beliefs. Too bad he is involved in such a cult called Scientology.