In the great battle of good and evil that makes our tiny, rapidly warming world go round, there have been a handful of truly remarkable rivalries:
Moses vs. Pharaoh, Bette vs. Joan. Me vs. a restraining order from Jason Statham’s lawyer …
But my favorite battle royal at the moment is the one quietly taking place between Julia Roberts and Parker Posey.
Of course, you know who Parker Posey is: She’s that off-beat chick you always fall in love with for her dizzy, faux-vapid comic delivery in such fave films as Best in Show, Hell on Heels: the Battle of Mary Kay, and, of course, House of Yes — where she plays a Jackie Kennedy wannabe in Grassy Knoll pink skirt and pillbox hat.
And if that doesn’t ring a bell (you are a gay man, right, with all your dues paid up?), she’s appearing on multiplex’s everywhere as the caped one’s Stoli-addled nemesis in Superman Returns (above).
So what is it with Parker and Julia Roberts? Sure, they may say they get along. You might even be able to find a snapshot of them arm-in-arm, jetting about town. But don’t be fooled, gentle reader. Beneath all the Page Six gal-pal goings-on seethes a hotbed of Hollywood venom.
Why? Because Julia and Parker come from opposite ends of the universe.
That’s not to say they’re lacking in similarities. Au contraire. Julia and Parker are both physically attractive, both fashion-forward without seeming trendy. Most importantly, they’re both beloved by homosexualists.
Let’s digress for a sec and explore that last one. What is it exactly that gives Julia and Parker a certain lavender sparkle? Neither sings (at least we hope not), neither dances, neither owns a penis.
Yet they give out the same special gaydar vibe as, say, Paris Hilton or Queen Noor — or the Madonna of 1984. We don’t want to be inside them; we want to be them.
In Julia’s case (left), the vibe comes from the massive marketing machine that has made her a star. It’s not only the warm, gooey Mrs. Fields type roles she plays but also those passionate off-screen romances, the instant marriage (barefoot) and then divorce (heels) to Lyle Lovett, and her well-publicized willingness to go the extra mile for charity — and I do mean extra mile. Can anyone ever forget that priceless moment when the orangutan pissed in her face on a PBS documentary?
Yes, Julia’s a good sport. With consummate good humor she’ll engage in inter-species watersports as long as it’s for a good cause (in this case, the preservation of the great apes of Borneo). Behind Julia’s caterpillar lips and too-toothy smile, we genuinely believe there’s someone nice there. Someone who would invite us in from the rain and fix us a nice cup of green tea and. say, an oatmeal honey scone sweetened with grape seed extract (we’re already covered on the Mrs. Fields cookies, thanks.)
Julia is clearly from the pretty and clean side of the universe. She appeals to the impulse in gay men that wants to dress up in white linen traveling suits and have a picnic on an immaculate white-stone cliff, overlooking the sea. That, and attend White Parties.
Parker, whose hair can sometimes look a mess as at left, is from the dark side. Unlike Julia, la Posey steers clear of the spotlight. We don’t know if her life is a tragic Margot Kidder soap opera or a Ricky Martin snooze-ical.
Our understanding and appreciation of Parker stems entirely from who she plays in movies. Characters like sadistic high school senior Darla Marks in Dazed and Confused, screaming “Air raid, bitches!” as she hoses down freshmen girls with a squeeze bottle of catsup.
Or Fiona, the haute-couture evil empress bent on world domination in Josie and the Pussycats. Or the homicidal, incestuous, Pennsylvania- bashing, Tori Spelling-hating harridan Jackie-O in House of Yes. Or — my personal fave — Meg Swan in Best in Show sporting a severe bowl-cut bob and permanently clenched teeth (with braces!) through with she hisses commands at her husband to fetch chew toys for their manically depressed Weimaraner.
What do these characters have in common? They’re all completely wacko. What do they imply about Parker? She’s completely wacko, too. So whereas Julia’s roles and her private life work together to create a cohesive image of a genuinely nice, genteel woman, Parker comes across like the poker-faced chick at the frat kegger. We’re not entirely sure if she’s gonna crack a joke or smack us in the nose or puke on her Prada espadrilles.
For all we know, she’s bonkers — and to paraphrase another gay fave, Edina from AbFab, we homos love nothing more than a well-dressed woman with a few screws loose.
Parker hails from the Nega-verse. She appeals to the secret impulse in oh-so-many of us to don vintage Vivienne Westwood stilettos, climb up on a bar top, and do the butt-dance with cracked-out hustlers.
But of course, those are just roles Parker has played in movies. They have nothing whatsoever to do with Parker’s real-life personality — or, as Stone Phillips would say, do they?
I went to high school with Parker. Better, I was her forensics partner (for debate tournaments, not autopsies). I can say with authority that the girl is, indeed, a little nuts — but in a in a good way. A great way. A joyful way!
Growing up in small-town Mississippi, Parker was fearless. She was the sort of girl you never wanted to play Truth or Dare with because she’d always win. Kiss a frog? Done. Ask a homeless guy for a quarter? Make it a dollar. Sing Tea for Two on a busy street corner? Parker would throw in a softshoe.
This zaniness, this Do Anything Once attitude is so strong in Parker that it seems part of her genetic code. It comes through in nearly every role she plays (except perhaps her thankfully brief stint on As the World Turns). A mutual friend once turned to me during a screening of Guffman, which gave Parker the perfect opportunity to whip out her pitch-perfect Mississippi drawl, and exclaimed “She’s not acting up there — she’s behaving!”
So, whether you’re a fan of the Superman comics or loathe any movie that stars her fellow villain, the supremely schticky Kevin Spacey (did anything ever come of that whole 4:00am tricking in the park/alleged mugging incident?), chances are pretty good you’ll be at the mall for a viewing of Superman Returns.
In this opus, the perky Miss Posey is Lex Luthor’s groupie and sidekick Kitty Kowalski. I mean, have you seen those publicity stills? Those hats? When did Julia ever get to wear anything that chic? Game, set, and match to Parker!
I just hope she doesn’t end up living in the bushes like that other crazy Superman bitch.
My, my, my. How bitchie can one reviewer get. I would have thought by now that gays were above that. Guess not.
I’ll take Julia Roberts anytime.
Did you actually read the whole post, Jack?
Anyway, regarding the statement “neither sings (at least we hope not)”: Ms. Posey, like the rest of the cast, did all her own singing (and played the mandolin!) in A Mighty Wind.
Jack, Jack, Jack… You make bitchiness sound like chlamydia or crabs or some well-hung, foul-mouthed hustler — like something you should shake off before setting foot in polite society! And maybe that’s true, but really, darling, where’s the fun in being polite? Or self-loating, for that matter….
And Greg, thanks for the reminder: I completely forgot about Parker’s singing in A Mighty Wind. I also forgot about her rendition of Teacher’s Pet in Guffman, but that memory lapse might’ve been intentional.
I’m from New Mexico and I can tell you that those of us who actually ‘live’ in NM, are not that fond of celebrities coming in and raising our cost of living…Go away Julia! Go away Oprah! Live your lives in Hollywood where you belong!
On another note! Parker Roks(even when she was on ATWT)!!! I’ll take her, anyday!!!
Jason Statham huh? Sorry, but that’s all I got out of the article.
Paris Hilton? Really? Not at all on my gay-love list. Has to be the most useless bitch ever to TRY sucking a good cock. Even the twelve keystrokes it takes to type her name are a waste. You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself.
Julia Roberts did sing in that Woody Allen “musical” where he forced all the stars to use their own voices. Nobody came out of that one alive. So I have to agree with Richard. Julia Roberts doesn’t sing, but Pa-pa-parker does! And not badly.
Other stars who have “sung” with their own voices but who will never be singers:
Nicole Kidman (ugh, the worst thing in “Moulon Rouge,” sidetracked the whole movie, visually wrong, a skinny, sharp-jawed harridan in a role that called for a big, plush 19th Century Anna Nicole job. Imagine what Zeta-beta Jones could have done with the Nicole character’s Marilyn-esque entrance where she descends from the ceiling on a swing. A big curvy gal bubbling over with bosomy joy! As Addison DeWitt said to Eve Harrington: “Nicole, you’re too short for that gesture.”)
Anyone else? Nightcharmers help me out here. I have to go back into the ol’ memory grab-bag. Natalie Wood should never have sung in “Inside Daisy Clover” where her voice had a harsh, straining sound. Oh yeah, on the soundtrack CD for “Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.” Kevin Spacey belts out “That Old Black Magic” — UNBEARABLE! (Unlike Richard, though, I love Spacey’s shticky “star acting”)
Okay, stars who aren’t singers but who do sing well: Meryl Streep knocked my lights out at the end of “Postcards from the Edge” with her sweet, attractive voice on a country-western tune. Gwyneth Paltrow did a great “Grooving Together” with Huey Lewis in the mostly unseen indie “Duets.” And, of course, Glenn Close did not embarrass herself on stage in “Sunset Boulevard” (though we wish we had not been deprived of the joy of seeing the troubled Faye Dunaway galumping her way through the clutsy, clumsy, never lovable Lloyd Webber score that she had rehearsed and was set to sing before Webber fired her.)
Parker can dance too, as witnessed in Guffman… I can’t recall if it was a deleted scene, but the number “Penny For Your Thoughts” shows her, clearly trained, leg extension to be quite impressive.
Everyone’s forgotten my favorite Parker Posey movie – Party Girl! “Hu-hu-hello!”
And my latest dose of her came from watching Boston Legal, where she plays this icy-cold manipulative bitch lawyer who makes partner for the season finale armed with a Blackberry. And I didn’t think the cast could get any better (Shatner, Spader, Betty White, and Candice Bergen?)… they go and add Parker to the mix. I just hope next season picks up with her in it.
Mark me down for “Friends of P.”
Stars who’ve sung? I just watched ‘blue velvet’ for the first time—Isabella Rossellini—not an astounding singer, but she made it work…no, possesed the fuck out of it.
I hate her already
Did… did you even watch Superman?
Oh, Dave, you make super hero fans like me embarassed to admit who we are.
I’ve been singing the praises of Parker Posey since the first time I saw Party Girl. I will take her over a truckload of horsey Julia Robertses any day of the week. But I still won’t watch You’ve Got Mail to see her because my system can’t handle the deadly combo of Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan
This web-site is gay.
Um, you forgot to mention she was on several episodes of Will & Grace in which she stole the show w/ her wry performance. Great actress all around!
in 1997, while living in new york, i frequented an East Village bar in the Bowery and accidently found myself sitting right next to miss posey. she was great. we must have talked for nearly an hour. she can really talk… and Fast. it was a great evening – cute boys everywhere. i’ve been a fan ever since.