Heather Corinna: Though Laura Ashley has previously denied the existence of her first born son, this photo shows us everything — really, everything — she’s been trying to keep locked in the linen closet.

Jim Buck: Remember in The Andromeda Strain when Kate Reid — looking like an older, heavier Velma from Scooby-Doo — is trying to work up a vaccine to this epidemic, and she’s looking through all the viral samples, and they’re cycling through the computer, and finally she gets to the crucial one, the one that’s seen no growth, and the screen’s flashing red, and it’s all, like, "NO GROWTH, NO GROWTH," but of course, the flashing red lights have induced a petit mal seizure in little Ms. Reid and she’s helpless to move or do anything but stare out at the monitor through big clunky glasses? That’s how I feel when I see this picture.

John Calendo: Another post-Modern masterpiece — this one co-opting the vocabulary of the French Impressionists. The reclining model, who eyes us with such worldly candor, seems a direct quote from Manet’s Olympia — that outrage of 1865 where a visually obvious prostitute was substituted for the Goddess Venus. Venus was usually idealized in a generically pretty way, but in Manet’s painting, a very real flesh-and-blood woman assumes the iconic Goddess position. So what we have in our amateur photo is something of a boy Goddess and something of a vaguely bored courtesan. I also see Matisse in the wallpaper, in the contrast between the stark expanse of flesh and the busy disintegrating patterns going off everywhere. What a feast for the eye! And have you checked out that dick!

David K: What none of you realize is that this guy is only two inches tall! You’re looking deep into the interior of a Fabergé egg. (How’d they do that?!)

Jim Buck: Okay, so two problems: (a) Mary’s thong, (b) Mary’s inability to coordinate his pastel undergarments and hand towels into his very bold, patriotic bathroom color scheme. She is so fired.

Heather Corinna: “Yeah, it’ll hold, but do you really think that the wedgewood blue matches the hot pink? It’s just so…avant garde.”

David K: God, those DeMille curtains again. If this is what goes down in their bathroom, imagine the rest of the house. These are the sorta folks who have those gigantic, 3-foot-long, teak fork and knife “art” pieces hanging on their kitchen wall. And their couch, in the living room, is actually the 20-square-feet equivalent of a baby’s play pen — (upholstered in navy blue velour). Lemme outa here.

John Calendo: I blame Broadway. I blame showtunes. And given the patriotic theme, I blame ice shows. Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting my ass! Start the balloon drop. We knew drama queens were always creating tedious little “scenes” for themselves; we just didn’t know they were tedious little set designers as well. I’m sure the raised toilet seat means something. Never show a gun in Act One that you’re not going to use by Act Three.