“Haven’t found her yet,” Paul Lynde would say when asked by reporters when he might marry.
The gay and beloved and self-hating “Center Square” on Hollywood Squares, Lynde (left) was always famously searching for “the right girl.” By the time TV fame hit, in the 60’s, both he and the entertainment reporters were in on the joke and no one was surprised when he would erupt in his trademark hacking laugh at the absurdity of it all.
Like many gay men who elect to be professionally “straight” — who are homophobic in its strictest sense, that is, they fear the homosexual (in themselves, in this case) — Lynde was aware of his own absurdity. It was perhaps that awareness, accelerated by alcoholism and career envy, that made him so colossally bitter in private.
We have just witnessed the fall of a gay Congressman, who has of late tried to explain himself but in ways that spin homosexuality further out into the Twilight Zone of rehabs and childhood sex traumas. He hasn’t quite come to terms with how ridiculous he has made himself, not only with underaged staffers, but by his self-defeating, anti-gay voting record.
Time perhaps may be kinder than we can be at this moment. Time may, in her gentle forgetful way, soften the edges as she has with other famous homophobic homosexuals that walked that same mile in the same shoes — shoes that ultimately squeaked and bit into their lying toes.
We think Jay Leno got it right when he observed that Washington is “Hollywood for ugly people.” A high-school Most Popular-Boy mentality prevails in both. Still, our favorite cautionary tales come from Hollywood. Shall we take a little stroll down Memory Lane?
We will never quite know what Rock Hudson (right) thought of himself, as most of his life was in lockdown, behind tall cypress-lined walls. He did follow in the steps of Cary Grant, though, by marrying briefly when his career was still young and in question. If you blinked, you missed the meteoric flash of a Mrs. Hudson (a.k.a Phyllis Gates, his gay agent’s compliant secretary).
But marriage was — as it remains — the best lie of all because it held off the questions for a decade and by then, Rock was so solidly in the hearts of women everywhere, they just didn’t care. He was Mr. Perfect, and thus, a tiny bit insipid, a touch cardboard on screen. But he looked appetizingly beddable at every age — that is, until suddenly one summer when real life caught up with him and he shriveled into a raisin with a public disease that betrayed his private secret. We still miss Rock — homophobia, AIDS and all.
And no survey of beloved liars would be complete without a kiss blown to Liberace, he of the sparkly teeth, wavy hair and cherubic face. By the time he wasted away from “a watermelon diet” (actually AIDS) at age 67, he had managed to look vaguely 22 for about 40 years.
Liberace (at left, with a hot, nasty Elvis) couldn’t make a move in those early days without a band of women in tow, the precursors of the Claymates. Except Lee’s fans were tragic-looking matrons in gauzy cocktail gowns, hanging over the baby grand, the candelabra and him with wistful sighs and glossy faraway stares. When pressed, Lee would run an index finger down the keys in a harp-like glissando, and the closest thing he ever gave to a straight answer was that Mom was the only girl for him.
But then didn’t that say it all?
Now, without further ado: From the red carpets of Hollywood to the internet chat rooms of Washington, here are the top ten lies of homophobic homosexuals:
1 Victim of Circumstance
It’s all been a horrible misunderstanding. Some people! — they hear what they want to hear. Their eyes play tricks on them. It’s stupid, the whole thing. That’s all.
2. Not Myself
I was still drinking then, you see.
3. The Hero Protector
Why, yes I am seeing someone — but she’s a very private person.
4. All That’s Behind Me Now
I love being married to Liza. We laugh a lot. And I was a big fan of her mother, Judy Garland, as well.
5. The Only Thing That Really Matters
It was a privilege to represent the people of my district in Washington but now I want to spend more time with my family.
6. State of Shock
The only way I can explain it was that I had been under a lot of stress, working late. And then I learned that I was molested by a clergyman but had blotted it out of my mind for 40 years.
7. Feet of Clay
I just think the question is rude, Diane. And I’m getting tired of being asked it. Why would anyone be interested anyway? I think what should be interesting and is interesting is my new album of Christmas hymns.
8. It’s You Who Have the Problem
Oh, pul-eeeeze. Get a life! I live with my manager so we can work closely on my career. We have a bond, we have a business, and yes we socialize together sometimes. That’s part of our business. But we do go on double dates too.
9. I’m A Modern Guy, After All
No, nooo!… Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Haha.
10. Not Myself, Part II
Dude, I was so wasted that night! And you were so wasted! I ain’t gay or anything. I just like doing guys occasionally but I mean, shit! … Man! Do I look queer to you?
11.(Bonus) Get It Straight For Chrissake!
Not gay! Bi-curious. Bi-curious.
Perfect timing. We Ohioan’s have a female running for a top state-wide elected office that I’m SURE is a lesbian (and, from the rumors, I’m not the only one that thinks so!) that is so anti-gay in her politics she’s laughable.
very interesting. so many names you left out….. of the dead and the living, the famous and near famous. those famous murdered by a bigoted and heartless and self righteous, loveless, homophobic nation under god.
how can one help but internalise this homophobia in a land of schizophrenic morality and double standards for everything and everyone. where punishment and deprivation if not death is the order of the day for exposure or revelation. the risk of loss of family, friends, career, fame and wealth. it takes a hero to throw that all away and accept a life as a little nobody with a little income living in mediocrity and discomfort. i have seen it happen. and the pain locked up inside those people is great as with the stories of those in the above article.
that is why homosexuals can be profoundly unkind, hurtful if not ruthless to each other. we manifest what we feel about ourselves which is a manifestation of what we feel/perceive from the people around us and the world at large. without knowing what it is many of us already as little children pick up this message.
despite all the self help books, self help groups, therapy etc. only a very little progress has been made for the masses of homosexuals. and this in the mecca of navel contemplation.
it is good to keep this topic alive.
“I just can’t get used to the idea of only having sex with men,” Litwin said. “The truth is, I simply adore women.” As evidence of his attraction to women, Litwin pointed to the copy of the Madonna book Sex on his coffee table and a framed poster of Audrey Hepburn on the wall. (link)
My first love interest was a member of a charismatic church — it fulfilled his need for the ‘laying on of hands’. Things never progressed from that for him (to my knowledge), but just to touch and be touched by men was fix enough evidently.
It was exceptionally easy for him to hate ’sodomites’ because he knew the enemy intensely and internally. I found the tension intoxicating at the age of 17. At the age of 27, I’m sure it would only insure my speedy departure from the scene, but my memory of that time is dramatic and still a bit alluring.
timely
I love these right wing gay articles, that promote men revealing everything about themselves.
Does Mr. Calendo really think that Rock Hudson “coming out” would have benefitted his life. Does he really think that Rock Hudson hated himself or was miserable.
There is some gauzy fairy tale “gay” idea that coming out is going to make your life better. Sorry to tell you but “coming out” is no more effective than “accepting Christ as your saviour”. Those are just statements. How you live your life has more importance.
If you are totally gay, and living that life it probably makes life easier to be open about it.
But if you are an actor, it probably isn’t the best idea. Keeping your life private might be worth millions.
The idea that Americans have about gays is that all they are into is sucking cock and being fucked. There are guys out there that just like male bonding, or they need a father figure,
or they prefer male energy. Maybe fucking really isn’t there thing. Should those guys come forward as gay. Bi-curious may not be a euphenism.
It is interesing how gay men become the bullies and tormentors,
in the same way that they feel society treated them.
You rarely hear gay men be kind or tolerant to men who are unsure of their sexuality or not ready to committ to it.
Also interesting how many gay men feel that if Tom Cruise would
“just come out of the closet” it would be like the second coming of Christ. Angels will appear out of the heavens singing and
gays would suddenly rise up and rule the straight world.
On the other hand when a politician who is being sexual with other men and is voting against gay issues, that is true hypocrisy.
And when a young person needs a famous gay person to feel validated and whole…well…then we have Rosie O’Donnel.
Personally, I have a certain nostalgia for when sexual activity among men was more of a mystery, instead of being plastered everywhere like this web site, and every show on Bravo.
It’s like when “fuck” had a little bite to it. Now it’s like..
“whatever”.
The next thing is for nose pickers, ball scratchers, thumbsuckers, and pooh eaters to stand tall. Don’t hide - come forth. Be proud.
@ Dweeb :
“Personally, I have a certain nostalgia for when sexual activity among men was more of a mystery, instead of being plastered everywhere like this web site, and every show on Bravo.”
Wait, so let me fix this for you. You should stop watching Bravo and visiting gay porn websites. That way, there would be less gay sex plastered everywhere. Also, your eventual goal is to move to Alabama and go into Christian youth counseling, where you can enjoy a warm comfy closet as long as you like with all the luscious threat to exposure that your sweet little non-fucking, non-sucking, just-enjoying-male-energy heart desires, just like the old days.
Hey, Dweeb
I think you made some strong points here. Just to clarify. I do think coming out would have benefited Rock Hudson’s life. Wrecked his career — yes, that too. I must confide that I might have taken the career and the privilege and looked at my life behind a high wall as the price I had to pay. I don’t judge him, and I don’t think the tone of the piece is one of harsh chastisement. Just a sort of wistful understanding. Paul, Rock and Lee are written about with affection.
Under attack were the lies and the sense of absurdity that must envelope a thoughtful person who has to recite them like empty talking points day in an day out. Some people can handle the sense of their own absurdity — Liberace with the diamond rings and the sequined capes made a business out of it and was loved for it — and other people like Paul Lynde become miserable, hate-filled wretches.
I do take your point that the glamorous Rock, well loved and magnificently rewarded, most likely did not have a miserable life. His closet was uniquely spacious with a terrific view of Malibu, and — I hear — 24 hour poolboy service.
The piece simply took aim at the lies that homophobic homosexuals tell. Taken on their face, the lies are incredible and amusing. The forces that make the lies necessary are really what’s under attack. Underlying it is my belief that the most important political act that a gay man can do is to come out. It is visibility, I contend, that will — and has already — made the nonsensical half-truths and rituals of the closet anachronisms.
I take no issue with the rest of your opinions — although I was amazed that you thought this was a “right-wing article,” and that urging gay people to come out was a right-wing ambition. That truly floored me.
Best … John
While on this theme of “outness” and waxing nostalgic — and considering the current political climate we’re all soaking in thanks to Bush’s re-election in 04, a catastrophe made possible by manipulating the state of Ohio’s fears about homosexuality and homosexuals marrying — let me state up front that I’m completely and totally behind the notion of outing public life living individuals — public life individuals who are queer and hiding and lying about it.
I miss and long for the more fiery days — that time when the impact of AIDS was making all of us crazy — when incendiary social forces like the radical queer group Act Up did whatever it took to expose the closeted hypocrisy and bullshit within the culture.
Culture, “the public,” the stage of life, school, churches, the political world — all places upon which the very concept of what it is to live a human life play out. All places upon which we learn to love or fear one another. The very realm from which our parents learned to be who they were and then inculcated their children likewise. This collective place of projection and inculcation is where homosexuality must be viewed and experienced openly and sanely as one of life’s many expressions of being. One of life’s central archetypes of being.
To hide, lie, move about in shame because of what is a natural, intrinsic expression of being does harm to the individual living in shame and propagates for generations to come the notion that queerness is bad, against god, against “family,” is a portal to feeling self-hatred and shame. This simply must stop. “By whatever means necessary.”
When I decided to publish Nightcharm eight years ago my drive and enthusiasm for making the site real was driven by this notion that sex is good, the gay impulse is good, sex and spirit combining are good. “Good” in the Platonic sense of the word: Just as the sun provides illumination by means of which we are able to perceive everything in the visual world, Plato posited, so the Form of the Good provides the ultimate standard by means of which we can apprehend the reality of everything that has value.
What’s repressed will persist within the psyche and this goes for the collective mindset of the culture as well, the cultural soul. And what remains repressed and impermissible within this sphere is the image (an important word: image) of virile, masculine men who happen to be gay. I can count two male actors who fit this personae — sort of — and well that’s it (odd isn’t it that neither one is American).
Call them potential role models, totems, representatives — whatever you like. But closeted public men who avoid confronting innuendo, play heterosexual for the paparazzi, lie openly about their gayness; these men are holding back a very critical dynamism that needs to happen and move freely upon the stage of American life. Do we need another Elton John or Boy George to declare their gayness? Not really. Another kd lang or Billie Jean King? No. A butch-rugged superstar actor, kick-ass sports hero, razor sharp news journalist? Yes, very much so. Yes, please.
If these individuals must ultimately be outed for the sake of instruction and cultural change — to free up and assist this dynamism — then so be it. A public life has many rewards — and stiff costs. It’s a simple and sometimes dangerous equation — especially for those living a lie.
David K.
Publisher Nightcharm.com
I noticed something that appears missing, at least to me in regards to this article: the notion of “coming out” to oneself! I posit it must start with the self first… I’m not sure public outing is necessary if only the individual would come to honest terms with themselves - that’s most of the battle.
I think it is fair that we take a moment to ask/remind ourselves of the lies we spoke before any of us came to terms with our sexuality. Then maybe our community would be less bitchy towards those who are struggling - and then save our collective anger for those who really deserve it: the closeted policy-makers who have acted against queers. I don’t think entertainment and sports personalities deserve the same harsh scutiny as those who act politically against us. Let the likes of Tom Cruise stew in their issues, for they aren’t really important. As for those like Mr. Foley and their conduct, well they deserve a public “spanking” one way or another!
Bravo, Bernard from Canada
Bravo David, Bravo John. you touch my heart and soul with your eloquence and fervour.
ps, has everyone forgotten that elton john deceived and lied and married a female in australia. i also admire and laud him as a talent and for his ultimate open life. but at the time he was a standard to all heteros around the world that he was just extravagant and that his queeniness had nothing to do with male bonding, sucking cock or anal intercourse. for a time it was a crisis for many young homosexuals living in fear and conflict.
billy jean did lived years in the closet. we all knew but not. it was only when her lover tried suicide, jumping from a balcony and ending up in a wheelchair did the world finally know.
i used to be against outing people. knowing, having known and knowing of with certainty many of the closeted famous homosexuals more and more as life passes i see the damage it causes to themselves and to those who see them as role models.
as one who has been married, divorced, in a quasi-relationship with a man subsequent to those events (neither of us ready/willing to admit to being really gay and therefore not ready to commit to one another)…i cannot say i commiserate with the men noted (rock, liberace, lynde, etc.). however, i do understand that it is extremely difficult to publicly acknowledge (at the least) gay “leanings,” let alone gayness (especially when one is not totally out in his own home!
one of the posters mentioned that not all men are into sucking cock - if truth be told, i think we would find out differently!
keep up the good work with your articles and keep us posted, as it were, on the latest developments.
To live a lie is one of the most painful and difficult things to do in ones life. I still am in the closet and refuse to leave it as the environment I live in has seen me as the person I built myself to be. Pathetic I know and frankly I am now paying for this and regretting it to the core. The lie I spun has now caught up with me and am finding it too much to bear but still, I prefer to stay in the closet. I guess one of these days soon I will finally have the courage to come out, but boy will that shock the people around me. All of your incites in this thread has given me some sort of leverage and are thought provoking which will help me to gather that courage and strength I so need. Thanks all of you.
P.S. ‘Legend’ (please forgive me). The person has to come out when he’s prepared and not outed by someone else, the consequences can be emotionally devastating. I think it is best left to the person involved to make that decision, after all it is his life. The best one can do is give moral support.
Wow, San.
Remarks like yours always blow me away. The authenticity and the pain are overwhelming, and I feel once again, what really can one grown man (or woman) tell another. What I read between the lines of the comment is that there is a very powerful reason for you to stay in the closet. All I know is that the best teacher of why a gay person should come out is the closet itself. If you’re not feeling suffocated and stunted in there, there’s nothing anyone can say about blowing that coffin apart that would convince you.
I just want to pass on a terrific way of putting it from Tennessee Williams.
“If you can’t be yourself,” he wrote in his autobiography, Memoirs. “What is the point in being anything at all?”
san you do not need my forgiveness for disagreeing. i accept it what you say as a truth. that is why i have not mentioned at least a half dozen famous and prominent people i know personally who are homosexual. because i cannot be a one man outer.
but you need to forgive yourself for the slow annihilation of your spirit. i lived in a relationship nearly 18 years invisibly to protect his career as a child psychologist in research. we sometimes worked together and all over the world i was introduced as his colleague or business partner. end of my 30’s and into 40’s it became more and more difficult to endure. each such introduction and encounter, business dinner etc. was like a knife plunged into my gut. living so anonymously i had no support group or friends to knock some sense into me. it nearly killed me emotionally. but i did not know it until fortunately, the relationship ended. i protected him and committed emotional suicide. i survived and healed and rebuilt my persona. never again.
i have an old and dear friend since over 30 years, catholic priest in england and gay. his life is a kind of hell. he became a priest for his mother. she died, so did his father and then…….i knew if he didn’t get out in his mid 30’s he never would. it is a secure job and going out into the real world becomes harder and scarier with time. now over 50 it is a life of quiet desperation.
i have lived in 8 countries, presently in portugal. many men here, large numbers live double lives but are quite torn and stressed. despite there being many openly gay men many leave the country to escape this tradional hetero enforced world where they fear exposure to family, friends and colleagues.
i wish you and all those like you all the best and hope that you find your way out of the closet before it crashes in upon you and perhaps will be too late to psychologically and emotionally recover.
Thank you very much John and Legend. Funny how one can find refuge on the internet. I have never bared myself to anyone and this is one of the few and very rare occasions. I shall get there and Legend yes, you are right the time will come when I will just implode if I do not nip this on the bud. For now I shall be feeling my way around (no pun intended), testing the waters, how I will do that I haven’t the faintest idea. Suffice it to say I am moved with both your replies and surprised I even got comments from it. Being in the closet leaves me no room to socialized with any gay man much less find out how it is to be freely living the truth. John I definitely will get the book you mentioned, as it is it may be one of the smaller steps I will take since buying a book about a gay person can be quite a tall order for someone like me. But then again where else can I find answers to my gnawing questions? Again, thanks very much guys.
I stumbled on this website looking for porn and got hooked on the articles (which doesn’t bode well for me becoming a subscrib er, I’m afraid). Thoughtful stuff, and I really appreciate it. Especially this one, because I’m a closet case, myself and its been the source of much pain, isolation and actually cost me my job recently when a heterosexual homophobe told HR I came on to him (untrue); they gave me no specifics (claiming everything brought to their attention was confidential)but gave me enough to get the gist. However instead of addressing the matter head on, which would have required that I admit my sexual orientation and how I was being victimized because of it, took a much lamer defense of, I don’t know what you’re talking about, but whatever it is, I didn’t do it. Never again, of course, if it ever comes to that–which I doubt it will (the employee was a very twisted individual) but still struggling with coming out, which would be good for me for all the other reasons you stated.
My, my this whole “coming out of the closet” is a touchy subject. Curtis wants me to go to Alabama and be a Christian. What’s that all about.
I just want to live my life the way I want to on my terms and reveal what I want to reveal to people when I choose. Is that so wrong…..
Where as Curtis wants, “I’m gay” on his license plate. Like “I’m a Veteran” or “Wounded in Action”. I think what he really wants is for me to be just like him. Sorry. I want to be just like me. I’ll never be a normal, happy, sappy, gay.
I think we all agree on a couple of things. Being Gay - is OK. It’s not a good idea, to be a public official, and be a hypocrite. Anti gay propoganda Christian or otherwise is unGodly.
I guess I am a minority, in that I don’t believe that your sexuality should be the focus of your identity. I acknowledge that society in general is enthralled with sexuality and who is fuckable and if your gay and swimming upstream to attain your self-esteem, I suppose it is natural to make your sexuality a focus.
As for me, I don’t want to be someone’s “gay son” or ‘gay friend”. I would rather be the
“anti-Bush” son or the “environmental son”.
Because after you come out, after the Judy Garland movies, the Streisand albums, you still have to live a life. There are so many more important attributes in life than your sexuality.
I like the comment about “coming out to yourself”. Once that’s done you can move on.
Again for those men who wish to play out the whole married scenario, there are the civil rights issues of fairness which need to be addressed.
And what about the little gay children. For that we have Gay Pride Parades, where they can fix their aspirations on being a nude roller skater, and twinks in tight whites, gyrating on truck beds, or a topless dyke on a bike. Or if housebound, they have “Will and Grace”
Yes - gay culture in America has really sets the bar high. Heh, heh.
I just can’t see hitching my wagon to that particular star.