Straight at last! Straight at last!

Good God Almighty, Pastor Ted is straight at last.

Ted Haggard, of whom we have written copiously (link) (link) (link) (link), has just stepped out of a reprogramming center and has gotten all those filthy thoughts about tweaking and rimming out of his perky blond head. The dizzy little smile has returned in all its Happy Holy Jesus insanity.

From today’s Denver Post [with choice Nightcharm commentary added]:

The Rev. Ted Haggard emerged from three weeks of intensive counseling convinced he is “completely heterosexual” and told an oversight board that his sexual contact with men was limited to his accuser.

That is according to one of the disgraced pastor’s overseers, who on Monday revealed new details about where Haggard has been and where he is headed.

The Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur also said the four-man oversight board strongly urged Haggard to go into secular work instead of Christian ministry if Haggard and his wife follow through on plans to earn master’s degrees in psychology. [Pul-eeeze! We're gasping!].

In the [email] message [to members of his church], Haggard revealed that he and his wife, Gayle, intend to leave Colorado Springs and pursue master’s degrees through online courses.

Haggard mentioned Missouri and Iowa as possible destinations. Another oversight board member, the Rev. Mike Ware of Westminster, said the group recommended the move out of town, and the Haggards agreed. [Get out of town, mary! We don't feature your kind here!]

Ralph said three weeks of counseling at an undisclosed Arizona treatment center helped Haggard immensely and left Haggard sure of one thing.

“He is completely heterosexual,” Ralph said. “That is something he discovered. It was the acting- out situations where things took place. It wasn’t a constant thing.”

Why Haggard chose to act out in that manner is something Haggard and his advisers are trying to discern, Ralph said.

In investigating Haggard’s assertion that his extramarital sexual contact was limited to former male escort Mike Jones, the board talked to people close to Haggard and found no evidence contradicting him, Ralph said.

“If we’re going to be proved wrong, somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly,” he said. “We’re into this thing over 90 days, and it hasn’t happened.” [Keep digging.]

Steering Haggard away from a return to ministry was based, in part, on Haggard’s high profile, Ralph said. He cited biblical passages about holding influential figures to a higher standard.

“Nobody is saying he can’t go back into ministry,” Ralph said. “Somewhere down the road, that could very well happen, and that would be wonderful.”

What has been termed Haggard’s “restoration” is being overseen by another panel: H.B. London, who runs a Focus on the Family ministry to pastors, and megachurch pastors Tommy Barnett and Jack Hayford.

London said he was not surprised Haggard was considering the psychological field.

“Many of us that go into the healing, helping professions do so out of some sort of dysfunction or traumatic event in our lives, and we want to do what we can to help other people avoid what we’ve gone through,” he said. “He is certainly gifted and intelligent and has an intuitive side to him. And he has life experience. Those are good credentials.”

Yes, let’s hope Pastor Dizzy-Smile reconsiders learning psychotherapy online from some bogus Christina diploma-mill and gets some real help.

To be continued, we’re sure…