Okay, so far its been 24/7 Anna Nicole.
Every cable news station has turned into Access Hollywood.
War in Iraq? Bombs over Iran? Who gives a hoot!
All we wanna know is did Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband father Baby Dannielynn?
And so Nightcharm will scoop them all with 10 Totally True*, Totally Shocking Things About the Anna Nicole that Nobody Knew.
And when we say TRUE, we mean The Star true. We mean The Globe true! (At left, Anna does Marlyn in an ad for the animal-rights organization PETA.)
Here then are 10 things you’ll soon hear repeated — we’re sure — by the Inquiring Minds at 24/7 News, ever on the hunt to hike up ratings with new Anna Nicole tidbits.
1. Top Heavy and Over Endowed
She was really very — very — smart. Like Marilyn, Like Jayne, she was well read in all the Existentialists and could quote Sartre — in French. In fact, she was banned from Celebrity Jeopardy. It wouldn’t have been fair, otherwise.
2. All She Ever Really Wanted Was Love, Dammit!
On screen, ANS had “an appealing vulnerability.” Like Joey Heatherton.
3. Royal Premonitions
The press hounded her to her death. “They’re going to kill me like that some day,” she told a confidant the evening Princess Di died.
4. The Tears Nobody Saw
Anna Nicole was not a golddigger, though the media painted her that way. The public just couldn’t accept a May-December marriage and that hurt her deeply. Whenever she passed Gigi’s, the Houston strip club where she met her billionaire husband, she would sigh and say “Daddy loved that place.”
5. Deja (Marilyn) Vu
Though Anna Nicole was still reeling from the death of her son at the time of her death, she did not commit suicide or accidentally overdose. She was murdered by the CIA to protect the two Bush brothers, President and governor, whom she was having simultaneous affairs with. When she showed up unexpectedly at the President’s 60th birthday party in a stitch-by-stitch copy of Marilyn Monroe’s famous near-nude gown from the Kennedy birthday bash, Laura Bush had the slightly qualuded celebrity ushered off the grounds of the White House. Washington cocktail chatter says it was Laura, in fact, who ordered the hit on ANS.
6. It Was, Very Simply, the Second Coming
As Anna Nicole’s sole heir, Baby Dannielynn Hope will inherit all her mother’s money and assets. Thus, her paternity is now an issue of dire urgency in certain quarters. Anna is said to have confided to a friend that neither of the paternal claimants were the child’s actual father. “Jesus gave me his baby,” she said. In the wake of her son’s death, ANS had been born again and was scheduled to be baptized in the river Jordan by preacher Joel Osteen. When DNA tests are done on the child, many believe the Rapture will commence.
7. A Really Big Heart
At the time of her death, ANS was in talks with PBS for a possible Frontline documentary: The Children of Rwanda and ME. If all went well, she was scheduled to replace Gwen Ifill.
8. Like Dean Martin, Anna Only Acted Tipsy to Please the Fans
TrimSpa stands behind Anna’s sudden weight loss in 2003, asserting that no stomach stapling was involved. “She was really very disciplined,” said TrimSpa Vice President of Media Mark Fellows, dismissing rumors of “the cocaine diet” as scurrilous. “A multi-talented kind of lady. How many people would even try to turn their lives into a reality show? It’s a great loss.”
9. Gigi’s Remembers!
The Houston strip club, Gigi’s, where Anna once danced, has been hung in black and purple bunting since her passing. No one is allowed to use her pole, at the center of the stage, which has been retired. A memorial is due to be held some time next week. “We won’t be mourning,” says Gigi’s owner Rusty. “We’ll be celebrating Anna’s life. It will be one long happy hour, with lap dances at half price.” (At right, a shot from Anna’s career-launching Playboy spread.)
10. All She Ever Really Wanted Was Love, Part II
“I never wanted to be famous or rich or any of those things people think I want,” her companion Howard K. Stern says Anna told him. “I just want to be normal like everybody else — and a little high now and then. Is that so much to ask?”
Remember, you read it on Nightcharm first. Eat your heart out Larry King! Go ape-shit, Nancy Grace!
R.I.P. Anna Nicole Smith (1967 – 2007)
Also will Sophocles’ Oedipus Rex have to be re-presented? Now that “new and improved evidence” that her dead son (who was found dead in bed with ANS, not in a bedside chair as initally reported) was also the father of Dannielynn; hence the layers of identity obfuscation…oh woe. this stuff can’t be true.
I myself see weighty material for an opera here, or perhaps that is the role that Nancy provides.
sonny
Thank you for the biggest laugh I’ve had all month.
Our site regulars are the best.
David K.
publisher
no one yell at me, but who is Joey Heatherton and what made him vulnerable?
I know it’s commonly accepted that she and George W. Bush had an affair, but what do you make of Jeb visting her to break it off with his brother in the days before her death?
Joey Heatherton, star of the Happy Hooker, could never take a picture with her mouth closed.
She had a nasty look in her eye and a druggy smile that straight men found hot and gay men thought was a scream. Like Anna, she often appeared in public slurring her words, stumbling around in way-too-short miniskirts that forever looked mussed and recently man-handled.
With her boyish Twiggy cut and habit of pushing herself and her open mouth into every picture, she seemed utterly cheap and madly entertaining. Bob Hope used to bring her over to Vietnam to entertain the boys, and used her, as he did all his female co-stars, as the foil for his gentle, but usually leering sex-innuendo jokes. Joey seemed to scintilate under this kind of attention.
At one point, not long after the death of Marilyn Monroe, Joey did a cameo in a comedy about Bluebeard, a man who slew his seven wives, and some critic described her with the default Marilyn tag as having “an appealing vulnerability.” This was so off the mark and so profoundly opposite what was up there on the screen with its mouth ajar that yours truly never forgot it. She remains for me a flashy souvenir of my fabulously misspent youth.
Why hasn’t anybody mentioned the torrid lesbian foursome ANS has had at an yet undisclosed location with fellow sex bombs Condoleeza Rice, Lynn Cheney (renowned author of the sapphic novel “Sisters”) and German chancelor Angela Merkel? The CIA, the German Secret Service and the Vatican are still looking for the videotape of this session authored by Lynn’s husband. A bootlegged copy is said to have turned up mysteriously on the black market in the shi’a quarters of Bagdad…
linda!!!!!!!!! uma deus!!!!!!!!!!!! uma pena!!!!!!!!! beijos do brasil
vinicius…..
man i want to know who those awesome guys are standing around ANS in the pic and get a closer look at them !!!
My God, you’re right! Joey Heatherton’s mouth was always open. I rewatched “The Happy Hooker” several months ago (having seen it for the first time in the early 80′s, with my Dad!), which brought me back to “Bluebeard.” A train wreck of a movie led by a post-”Boom” Richard Burton, but with a cast that included the kitchen sink of actresses. What other movie features Heatherton, Raquel Welch, Virna Lisi, Nathalie Delon, AND Sybil Danning?
Back to ANS: I’m really sad she’s gone. She was a wreck, but I loved her dearly. ANS: RIP