French Ticklers at the Gates!

The Invasion of the Blow-Up Dolls!

Yes, friends, it’s all happening in Sacramento.

That is the eye-witness account of the witty Darklady, a columnist for Ynot, a business newsletter for what we laughingly call “the adult industry.”

The occasion for all this mayhem is a proposed ban on the sale of — to use the language of the blushingly demure bill — “marital aids” in the California state capitol when such aids are being retailed near schools, parks, and of course, churches.

You see, the children — and by children we include the tender minds of the Sunday white-glove set — they must be protected.

Neither the angelic babes running hoops in the park nor the faithful laity must ever learn that there might be pleasure without mandatory procreation. Or that crude, vulgar images can be … kinda fun.

It is a secret — a notoriously badly kept secret, perhaps — but a secret nevertheless that our noble legislators must strive to withhold from the already woefully rutting masses.

And so the Battle for Hearts, Minds and Groins in Sacramento. Darklady reports:

Given the rise in sex-toy related violence, it was only a matter of time.

Sacramento County, CA residents can finally draw a collective sigh of relief, knowing that the sex toy reign of terror may well be nearing its end, thanks to the first-ever proposed California ban on the sale of marital aids near churches, schools, and parks.

It all started so innocently with a simple lingerie shop named romantically The Cupid’s Love Boutique. Opening in December with an inventory of silky and gauzy somethings and next-to-nothings for women to presumably wear to bed, either alone or with their legally married partners of the opposite sex. Who could object? But then the insidious evil began to creep into town: sexually explicit DVDs, erotic lotions, condoms, and even strange and wonderful sex toys.

The obvious and immediate county response was to limit the percentage of floor space that The Cupid’s Love Boutique or any equally salacious retailer could devote to such debauchery. The agreed upon limit was 25-percent.

But neighborhood protests that have affected neighboring businesses convinced Supervisor Roberta McGlashen that something more needed to be done. After all, that 25-percent of The Cupid’s Love Boutique was near several day car centers, an elementary school, and private residences. The coming and going of customers, possibly carrying DVDs or vibrators in their bags or within the confines of their vehicles was clearly too great a risk for the surrounding citizens to endure.

So, McGlashen quickly proposed an ordinance banning the sale of such hazardous materials within 1,000 feet of any child care center, school, library, or even bus stop.

The proud Supervisor explained to Sacramento Fox TV affiliate KTXL that she viewed the ordinance “as further strengthening the board’s commitment to protecting young people.”

Naturally, there are concerns about precisely what the law means and how it will be enforced. In addition to not affecting the store’s appearance or advertising, the exact definition of what constitutes a sexual device is unknown. Fellow Supervisor Roger Dickinson questions the wisdom of a $1,000 fine and six month jail term for violators.

Opponents of adult businesses, however, are frustrated by what they feel will be a tiny victory in an ongoing battle against unwholesome influences in their community…

Although The Cupid’s Love Boutique may soon be denied the right to sell at least a portion of its inventory out of its brick and mortar location, its owner says that it will continue to sell videos, novelties, and lotions online if the ordinance becomes law.

Nightcharm would like to take this opportunity to salute Supervisor Roberta McGlashen and her perfectly reasonable, absolutely sane $1000 fine and six-month jail term.

You see, if we don’t fight the dildos, the French ticklers, the Blow-Up Bettys over there in the sex shops, they’ll follow us home and attack us here, in our dens!