Dick in the News!

Dick in the air.

Dick … everywhere.

Yes, boys and girls, as if we needed to be told twice, Penis Rules.

So it is only right — only our journalistic duty in action — that we introduce a rude and lewd regular feature: The Week in PENIS.

To help us inaugurate this our first penile roundup, we present for your perving pleasure Kasey Kahne (nickname: Gameboy), at left, a NASCAR hottie who is sure to get into a pissing match with one of this week’s news flashes.

The report, which you will find below, tells of a campaign to link fast cars to a certain lack of gravitas in the ol’ bulge department.

Not that we would ever fall for such foolishness.

Cars peeling out of tight spaces at high speed with lots of varooming and tire squealing will always give us a chubbie. For us, it’s the gay equivalent of Barry White. It’s Let’s Fuck music at its best. The sound of stompy, raunchy, dumb-as-shit stud stuff.

But we tarry. Here it is then, from around the world and around the block:

The Foreskin Fanatics Are Going to Love This: Ah yes, another study about that endlessly fascinating topic: who gets more of a tickle, the cut or the uncut? “Analysis of results showed the glans of the uncircumcised men had significantly lower thresholds than that of circumcised men (P = 0.040)…” Got that, boys? Uncut gets more bang for its buck — literally. But of course, the lovers of — as they so smugly put it — “the natural man” will tell you they always knew that — despite the fact that a) so many of them are circumcised themselves and b) this result contradicts another recent study that gave the edge to the Cuts. Of note: “The most sensitive location on the circumcised penis was the circumcision scar on the ventral surface.” Yes, the cut itself. (link)

I Woke to Find Two Men in My Bed and a Gay Porn Film Running: From South Africa comes a spate of tales about the male victims of date rate. Sometimes the men are out with male friends; sometimes they pick up women. But at some point it’s always — clunk — lights out and waking up in strange surroundings with “extreme abdominal pains” — apparently a South African euphemism for anal penetration by another male.

One man went to a pub with ” two acquaintances.” Once there a third man made a peculiar — we’d say, extremely fishy — deal with him. If the man would give the stranger a certain amount of money, the stranger would buy drinks for him for the rest of the night. “‘The next thing I remember was being naked in bed with both of them lying naked on either side of me at about 4am on Monday. There was a porn movie playing and we were in the master bedroom…’ He said he then decided to make a quick getaway, but found all four of his tires were slashed. In spite of this and suffering ‘extreme abdominal pains’ he drove away and called his brother, who took him to hospital for various tests, including for HIV and AIDS.” (link)

OUCH! Not in the Jewels, Jules!: Columnist Matt Stroud is blogging this week about his daily progress at Boxing Bootcamp for the SF Weekly. He gives his readers two bits of hard-won advice. Watch your neck. And watch your jewels:

“Apparently, when learning how to spar properly, there’s a short time when you and your sparring partner try to punch each other, not in the face, but in the abdomen. This is a drill, an exercise meant to get you and your partner comfortable punching a live target …

“Since neither of you know anything, really, about boxing, and you’ve just gone through 45 minutes of relatively intense calisthenics, your aim’s a little off, and, moreover, you’re tired. So you miss –South.

“And even though you’re wearing veritable groin armor, this is the first day you’re wearing the veritable groin armor, and so it’s not being worn properly, and your proverbial bits and pieces are all over the place, not where they’re supposed to be, so every time your partner (or “enemy”) punches you “accidentally” in the groin armor, your nuts get squished against a side of the groin armor, and you yell ‘Owwww, don’t punch my balls, asshole!’ but you’re wearing a mouthguard, so it comes out ‘Mmmwmmwmwwwmwww!’” (link)

No one, he assures us, looks as cool and Apollonian as the blond model, above, in Hudson Wright’s ethereal photograph.

Don’t Tell the NASCAR Boys: Because shocking images of vehicular carnage on roadside billboards no longer raise an eyebrow from speeding motorists, authorities in Australia have decided to hit below the belt — much like the fictitious Jules above. “The New South Wales Roads and Traffic Authority has launched a $1.9 million advertising campaign titled ‘Speeding - Nobody Thinks Big of You.’

“One ad features a variety of people waving their pinkie finger, a youth culture gesture for a small penis, at speeding drivers. Another offers speeding drivers an ‘xtra xtra small’ condom.’” Right, like that will work. One point nine fucking million dollars! (linK)

A Terrible Obsession: As obituaries go, “He wanted a bigger one very badly” is not something any man would wish inscribed on his tombstone. Yet that may well be the outcome of one fatal case of penis envy. This story comes from — but where else? — the Asian Pacific corridor. “Coroner Vieng Vannarith concluded that a 35-year-old construction worker had hanged himself last week after the hair tonic remedy which advertised it gave thicker and more lustrous locks failed to have the same effect when injected into his penis. … ‘He wanted a bigger one very badly, and the results were tragic,’ Vannarith said.” (link)

Just for Larfs: And finally… Another Mind Fuck Courtesy of the Worldwide Web, or Why They Hate Us, Part 9.

The following are the lovely, daily thoughts posted on a blog with the imposing but memorable title WAYNE “JESUS” LABEOUF HAS A BIG DICK. The spelling, the syntax, as well as the screams you hear, are real, ladies and gentlemen:

“if bush had more power, he would shut the girl scount organization down. it teaches women how to be strong and not want to suck waynes big white dick. i think the girl scouts are traders and need to be imprisoned. i don’t wanna buy your xtc laced cookies or have sex with your dried up clitter mothers.”

Like many of our most florid and poetic minds, Wayne is from the South, claims to be a proud member of the — as he puts it — “kkk” and talks about himself in the sort of third person usually reserved for lunatics and kings.

That’s not Wayne on the left by the way, but one of the great Josman illustrations that grace our Inner Circle. Wayne, however, is just as much a handful — or a double handful, to hear him tell it:

“then i and clark got into a punching match, and i showed him wayne was the man by rubbing my big white dick against his ass. wayne isn’t a faggot so he can do stuff like that. pa used to do that to me when he caught me watchin gym videos and said, IF I DON’T TEACH U HOW TO BE A MAN A FAGGOT COULD RUB HIS DICK ACROSS YOUR ASS LIKE UR PA IS DOIN NOW U WANNA BE A FAG WAYNE U WANNA NANCY BOY. thats how the labeouf men show their children who has the big dick and who don’t. men are given dicks by jesus for a reason, cuz gods like them”

It picks up from there. Prepare to Be Deeply and Permanently Damaged. ( link)

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