Whatever Happened To John McCain?
As the reigning Baby Jane of the already creepy line up of Republican Presidential candidates, the snow-topped, fire hydrant-bodied septuagenarian is now dancing on the sand as the tide washes away all of his presidential dreams and his campaign dies of sunstroke.
His poll numbers have plummeted. His public image is like a battered pinata. The Straight Talk Bus is wrapped around a tree and engulfed in flames. Only one thing could’ve caused a one-time favorite to fall so far: the debilitating form of unintentional career suicide that is … (wait for it) … gay sweaters!
That’s right. Bad sartorial advice from his advisors is to blame. At least in his mind. With campaign momentum dwindling and his fundraising in the red, McCain has reportedly gone off on an all-out diatribe that culminated with the Arizona senator accusing his staff of forcing him to don gay-looking sweaters in the hopes of making him seem like less of a relic.
Now McCain is lamenting the loss of his rugged appeal thanks to those infernal V-Necks with their subliminal homosexual vibes. Admittedly, his attire has been something of a running joke recently, but now even his own staff is wondering whether late-life dementia and megalomaniacal paranoia are taking their toll on him. Has he finally flipped?
Rational thinking might point the finger at McCain’s countless missteps and gaffes.
His dogged push for the DOA Immigration Bill, insistence on lauding the faltering troop surge in Iraq, pandering commencement speech at Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University, and toadying to lame duck President Bush have all contributed to a fatal hemorrhage of credibility and dignity.
His “Bomb Iran” break into song was nothing short of asinine. Trying to convince Americans that Baghdad is as pleasant as an Indiana marketplace trivialized the rampant terror there. An embarrassing appearance on The Daily Show in which he joked about bringing host Jon Stewart an Improvised Explosive Device drew jeers from the audience. Whether a Gap Crew makes him look a little light in the loafers is just icing on the cake.
Rationality and John McCain haven’t been on speaking terms for a while now. Garbed in a dandy sweater or a tan flak jacket that makes him look like he’s ready to explore Jurassic Park, the man looks and sounds like a deranged rogue garden gnome.
His actual hindrance: irrelevance, no matter how he dresses it up.
Nero could’ve blamed his fiddle for the fire. Rome — like McCain’s unraveling cardigan of a presidential bid –- was already going down in flames.
The Buffalo Beast’s list of the “50 Most Loathsome People of 2006″ hit the nail on the head a few months back when they made McCain number 1. Their write-up is quick and to-the-point: “The most consistently mischaracterized politician in the country, even McCain’s most nakedly self-serving machinations are universally hailed as the bold moves of an independent maverick who really, really, like, cares, man. [...] In reality, McCain is as phony as slimeballs come, having reversed his positions on Roe v. Wade, Bush’s tax cuts, the gay marriage amendment and Jerry Falwell in the last year alone….”
Their website appears to be down at the moment, but here’s the google cache.
McCain’s a sell-out pig.
This “maverick” is actually a complete stooge for power. He’s a war vet who’s done all that he can to duplicate the futile efforts of Vietnam and throw more lives into the Iraq black hole under the banner of patriotism. He’s been Bush’s personal lap dog and a cronie for the GOP. He’s jumped on the bandwagon of every homophobic policy that the Right churns out. Watching Jon Stewart slowly tear him to shreds as he stupidly relied on scripted answers like “We are where we are.” (wow, deep and brilliant) and desperate attempts at humor to keep the tv audience from booing him off stage was a laugh riot.
It’s not the sweaters that make you seem gay, John. It’s that like any Washington whore you stuck your ass up for the Bush Administration to regularly screw. The money’s on the dresser and now they’re done with you.
Maybe it wasn’t just the gay sweaters.
Jesus General, webmaster of one of our favorite spoof sites, who always bloviates as if he were a right-wing blockhead, writes:
[Arresting officer's statement from the police report]
Why this is particularly rich is that Bob Allen, a state representative in the Florida house, is the author of a failed Florida House Bill #1475, the “Lewd and Lascivious Behavior Act” which would have made public masturbation in the presence of another adult illegal, whether the other adult consented or not. (link)
was is staged or was it real…..?? the ignorance to AIDS data and abstinence versus awareness…..then again, a sweater for much of anything missing the point and throwing the party to the wind — translating to fiesta not binary, bipolar, bipartisan thinking. or is it that sense of missing pow treatment let alone rekindling such a data less than stellar consciousness…..then again, of recent, i’m not sure about the queer quotient in stepping up to the plate other than trying to proffer eye candy that gets stuck in the throat and also misses the point of a party. such as several things have gone from low key to low rent with nothing relating to economics — it’s just the atmosphere created — similar to the sense of visiting clifford geertz and levi strauss came to be dumpster diving in southern california…..people find that amusing, yet, it explains more about the united states than plenty are willing to recognize. dialogue becomes a strain and a visit through the looking glass was not attempts to revisit — it’s peering through less of an adventure moreso as it were broken glass…..such as, the questionable intelligence pertaining to aids and prudish unreal abstinence or strange campaigns or fascist presentations of discrimination leading to unprecendented examples of unjust reminders of experiential knowledge being void in some people’s long term memory harking back to vietnam.
there is something beautiful about temezcal…..it involves something deeper than merely catering to nazi garbage posing as a sense of odyssey.
Fuck McCock. I’m sick of seeing him and his wife with her freakin’ orange tan on that dumb fucking bus. Republican=Hypocrite. They’re all banging and snorting worse things than any of us ever will. Party of morality, yeah right. I’m chomping at the bit for dipwad Mitt Romney to have something kinky come to light, like maybe something nasty with a Malaysian trannie or a donkey so that I can laugh my ass off.
Well, I’d do him. And the donkey. Does that make me a bad person?
You might want to take a moment and imagine just what it has to actually be like with Mitt in the hay:
“Oh yes, my honored spouse of forty years! Touch me within the morally prescribed limits of our marital union! Use both hands! Defend the sanctity of marriage! Defend it hard! Uh-huh! Uh-huh! That’s what Daddy likes! Do your wifely duties with piety! You little missus! Let my man seed produce progeny within your womb as is intended by the Lord! Faster! I’m going to campaign fervently into Bush Country! I’m gonna campaign all night long! It’s gonna be a Red State tomorrow! Oh yeah! Call me Ronald!”
It’d be like nailing a department store mannequin. Only more wooden and less life-like. Yaaaaaawn.
As a prolific knitter of said “gay” sweaters, I feel it’s my duty to let everyone know, THE SWEATER ISN’T GAY! The wearer is.
How dare you insult me and my guy knitting pals out there by corrupting the integrity of our sweaters by throwing them on (ugh!) John McCain.
I’m taking my needles and hiding.