— TMZ.com
I’m here to talk about bimbos!
Biblical bimbos!
Photogenic Mormons are doffing their tops for the good of their faith. And I’m conflicted.
Sure, there’s no better score than a guy with self-esteem problems — the sort of “issues” that cause him to seek out religion and beefcake photography. Yet still, I can’t help feeling skeptical.
Under the aegis of its parent company Mormons Exposed (I kid you not), the Men On A Mission Calendar features “twelve handsome former missionaries who have dared to pose bare-chested.”
The project is supposed to be all about the spiritual beauty that comes from within, not just trading in sculpted torsos and great abs. The copy writes itself:
“Rod loves his position as a missionary, spends hours on his knees, and will give you the shirt off his back. Turn-ons include topless testifying, constitutional amendments, and tending to the lepers.”
Have a listen to the venture’s co-founder and producer Chad Hardy as he elaborates on the calendars raison d’etre and try to keep a straight face:
“Behind the eye-candy, this calendar has a deeper story — one that can reshape perceptions, heighten awareness, and perhaps encourage and inspire a broadened acceptance of human and religious diversity. The fact that twelve young returned missionaries are posing shirtless will certainly raise eyebrows, but may also help to sort out some common misconceptions about Mormons. The shock value of what these traditionally conservative young men have helped to create has the power to build a dialogue that encourages people across every belief system and walk of life to defy stereotypes, step out of judgment and embrace tolerance.”
I know. I could barely finish it too.
Now admittedly, a half-stripped naif is just about the only thing that could hold my attention during a pitch for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Maybe if all Jehovah’s Witnesses looked like this, I probably wouldn’t pull knives or turn hoses on them either. And yes, I would be glad to violate Mr. December in unspeakably sinful ways just so he’d really know what shame is, but there’s something “deeper” going on here that should have your Hypocrisy Alarm blaring as loud as mine.
Mormonism has always had some, um, credibility issues going all the way back to its inception, but marketing a hunky calendar to spruce up its boring image is more than a little disingenuous.
Secular culture (which I guess means anything and everything beyond the pulpit) is under fire for destroying those nebulous “family values,” yet Christian organizations don’t seem to have any qualms about using pop culture to amplify their appeal.
Youth rallies feature splashy video graphics and “Be Cool Like Us!” fashions to draw kids in. The whole Christian rock scene is a futile attempt to make worship seem edgy.
Now we have sexy Mormon pin-ups who could pass for Abercrombie & Fitch models. The issue at heart is winning over young people. Under the banner of something like Mormons Exposed, the Church is doing exactly what the Right has forever accused gays of conspiring to do: recruit younger members to expand their ranks.
I’m suspending my disbelief and imagining I’m Mormon Millionaire/Human Picket Fence Mitt Romney. I’ve apparently been held captive in Massachusetts and been forced to govern as that lost tribe’s ruler. Now I really, really want to be President. I’ve got some strikes against me, though.
While I may be the best-looking of the GOP candidates — not exactly a heated competition — I still have all the warmth and sensitivity of a toilet seat. I’m also prone to all manner of macho chest-thumping to prove what a manly, Herculean specimen I am.
I declare things like “Gosh, I love America” and “Lighten up slightly” and still expect to be taken seriously. Lastly, I’m the spokesmodel for a faith that even Evangelicals find wacky.
So what do I need to do to expand my base? The answer: trot out my five sons with their blindingly white veneers and faces unmoved by thought or emotion on the campaign trail in the Mitt Mobile to make me seem more hip and with-it. Why, it’ll be like The Partridge Family for the Purity Prom set meets The Virgin Suicides starring the Osmonds!
Like the young men of Mormons Exposed, Mitt’s strapping sons — who shall henceforth be known as Farina, Lux, Psalm, Patriot Act, and Cock Block — are blandly good-looking and nearly indistinguishable from one another.
These guys are what pass as porn for a sector of a population that’s terrified of sex but big into being fruitful and multiplying. They’re aggressively wholesome and earnest enough to hollow out a megalodon’s molar.
Check out the boys’ coy blog where you’ll be treated to an array of their charms. See them pose behind grade schoolers with American flags as backdrops, latch onto their pregnant prop wives, and cuddle babies named Reagan. Grab onto your nads as they run through cornfields. And yes, wait! … there are kids…kids with puppies!
Farina is the eldest brother and likely to utter profundities like “How can my children be safe when our culture bombards them and their peers with so much filth, violence, and hatred?”. He also needs your help to name his new puppy.
Psalm and Patriot Act are the Lance Bass and Joey Fatone of the group, but with statements like “I’m kind of the oddball of the family, as I’m the only one with blond hair”, we know Patriot Act at least has a rebellious streak.
Lux is my favorite one. Thick-as-a-brick, he has one facial expression, the robotic depthlessness of a Bachelor slab of beef, and ponders “Is my Dad stuck in the 50s?”
Youngest brother Cock Block is the weak link, ready to blurt out dark family secrets at any moment — like the one about all the bad brothers chained to the radiator in the basement. Clearly he’s a cutter or compulsive hand washer.
Big Daddy’s Mitt’s harem of nasty boys will press flesh, kiss ass, and pander hard for the money. Anything to get your vote off.
The moral of the story? It’s wrong to exploit attractiveness and the sex factor to sell dangerous temptations to America’s impressionable youth. Only churches and Presidential candidates have the moral certitude that allows them to whore out hot guys to put a new spin on their image or sex-up their public profile so youngsters will get on the band wagon.
Gotta put asses in the seats and voters in the booths.
Hat tip to Jim at Jockhomo.
Nice piece. I loved the ride.
The Romney with the beard reminds me of Owen Wilson in the Royal Tenenbaums.
how can there be 12 guys and not one single hairy chest? are they waxed or are hairy chests also prohibited? ;-)) good i’m no mormon!!
They all look like they were made in the same Petri dish. And you have to love how Mitt’s kids are heirs to countless millions, work in “salt of the earth” jobs like real estate development and the music biz, attend Ivy League universities, and live in horrible Liberal cities like New York, Boston, and Sand Diego, but are just like all the people of Iowa who are conditioned to loathe all that “elitism”.
As a lapsed Mormon-turned libertarian (almost anarchist) gay, I can’t say I disagree with much of what’s written here. I doubt, however, that the LDS Church wants any calendars like this one. (No doubt there are plenty of silly-headed LDS girls who do!) As for “Double Guantanamo” Romney, it will be fun to watch his millions go to waste as his campaign fizzles out. Even if it’s the wrong thing, the man ought to stand for something!
Amen on Romney, and on the little Romneys!
The Romneys suck! It’s like a JC Penney catalog threw up.
Craig, Mormons are unable to grow body hair. They are also immune to cavities — witness the mouthfuls of flawless teeth within the Osmond clan.
Give the LDS a break. They’re not ALL that uptight and strict, in spite of what their doctrine demands. Think of them as Catholics in the making.
Romney has that vagueish Reagan appearance, with the hair and “statesman” look about him. But unlike Reagan, who like all great salesmen can sell you something without you even noticing,…Romney has desperation and shallowness beaming out to us like a neon sign. He has no chance, but it’s sad how he trots his sons out there, and in a time of war not one signed up. You would think one of them would just to get away from Dad.
Funny that the story was picked up from Jockhomo, I visited his site today by coincidence and that was the first time in months.
Romney himself is a whore playing to the Far Right as Bush Version 3.0. All the varmint hunting and tripling Guantanamo bilge– it’s a show. I used to think that politicians were truly with that base. Now I believe they probably mock it in private and laugh about how easy it is to mobilize White Christian America by offering it up lots of symbolism and bluster. Slap on a crucifix, drive a pick-up and stand next to kids for photo-ops. For some reason, people buy into that as reality and not a ploy.
It’s not enough to just look presidential. Karl Rove proved that you can dress up a surly lobotomized lab monkey in a suit and feed him all manner of coaching on how to look and act. It still can’t make a leader, just a stooge acting the part.
Gry needs to watch zeitgeistmovie.com and get over it all.
Gee Mitz, it kinda seems like he is doing exactly what that site recommends: “to inspire people to start looking at the world from a more critical perspective and to understand that very often things are not what the population at large think they are.” The Romney douches didn’t just get on that stupid bus out of the blue. Daddy’s fucking campaign advisors set it all up. Y’know, kinda like all of King George’s hand selected audiences and pre approved questions?
Maybe you could connect the dots Dipwad?
is it me or do the mitt kids look like the brady bunch…the one with the beard looks mormon though maybe he would enjoy the calendar lol and lastly the mitt kid in the hat looks GAY to me for some reason anyone agree?
check this spoof video out:
http://tinyurl.com/2joe5y
I love how Mitt has the same expression as Shrek. Just less life-like.
God, what a great article. “Big Daddy Mitt” will forever remain in my subconscious when I look at that man and his utterly bland, God-slaven sons. Surely the “bad brothers” chained to the radiator in the basement must be more interesting (and hotter? Though again, you have to be in that “defiling the sacred” kind of horniness) than these faceless chums. One can hope, can’t he?
YOU ALL THAT HAD THE NERVE TO PUT DOWN THE LDS CHURCH, HAVE NO LIVES WHAT SO EVER! PEOPLE WHO PUT DOWN SOMEONE OR SOMETHING ARE INSECURE AND ONLY MAKE FUN OF OTHERS BECAUSE THEY LACK WHAT THEY WANT MOST! THE LDS CHURCH IS TRUE INDEED, AND I TESTIFY OF THAT TO ALL OF YOU! I FEEL SORRY FOR WHATS TO COME TO ALL THAT DISCRIMINATE AGAINST THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST AND LATTER DAY SAINTS. KNOW THAT MOCKING THE LORDS MISSIONARIES IS INDEED A WRONG AND SINFUL THING TO DO…..YOU ARE ALL IGNORANT AND IT SHOW WITH WHAT YOU GUYS POSTED AS COMMENTS…ONE QUOTE THAT COMES TO MIND AND SHOWS IN THIS WEBPAGE/BLOG READS: “THE BEST WILL ALWAYS BE HATED ON”….AND THE LDS CHURCH IS THE BEST AND ONLY TRUE CHURCH ON THIS EARTH! I LOVE YOU ALL, AND I HOPE YOUR SICKNESS OF HATE AND NEGATIVITY GET BETTER…..GET WELL SOON!!!
Wow I gues we are all sick with the jelous homo bug. And that LDS guy was just on here to see if we had gotten better not to look at the gay porn or anything that would be an abomination. Well I for one would gladly let LDS take my temperature (rectally of course)Oh and Montii I think the one in the hat seems gay to.
I was so disappointed when Romney suspended his campaign. I loved fantasizing about being tagged team by the Romneys….especially Josh (yum, yum). I’d like him to join me in the voting booth cum November. The more religious they are the hornier…we all remember that bus ride to Six Flags with the Church group don’t we. I’ll miss you Josh.
the romney on the top right corner is fucking hott! id love to see him in inner circle doing a fuck scend w/ ashton kutcher FUCK that would be HOTT. and is he wearing eyeliner? that just screams gay huh!? and im with that LDS guy the church is true though most of the time i dont follow its teachings i do know they are TRUE and if u dont like me for st8ing the truth u can FUCK OFF! just bcuz im LDS doesnt mean we’re all drones programmed to be goodie goods cuz id FUCK U UP and i dont mean that sexually!
P.S. Catholics in the making!? what a load of SHIT!