“They gave me a date-rape drug and then they used me like a lollipop.”

Who among us is not chilled by these words, ladies and gentlemen?

And they used him … like a lollipop!

The jury is instructed to exam the picture at right, mindful that it is a recreation by professional actors of the incident that took place on Thursday last at the Dog and Pony Show, a dinner theater on South Street.

My client assures us that the photo, and the entire Raging Stallion video based upon the incident, is — again these are his words — “accurate in the extreme.”

You have met my client: he sits here before you. He could be any one of us who made the mistake of trusting a well-known celebrity and staying after the bar had closed to meet what the celebrity referred to as “the cast.”

My client had grown up idolizing this celebrity. This celebrity seemed to him, as he would to you or me, an old friend, a familiar face, the most handsome stud from a show full of handsome studs, the wonderful and — for my client — life-changing Melrose Place.

My client came out watching that show as he himself told you, and we applaud his honesty. Don’t we, ladies and gentlemen! In these days of hypocrisy and homophobia that reaches even to the floor of the Senate — or should we say, the senatorial Men’s Room — here sits an honest man!

(Above, Pierce Daniels plays the wicked celebrity in the Raging Stallion docu-drama.)

When the celebrity came over to his table, my client was impressed. Ladies and gentlemen, he was thrilled!

Who wouldn’t have drinks and take photos with such a star. And who would have suspected that the drinks this glamorous celebrity was plying him with were laced with the date-rape drug Rohypnol, a banned substance that — and I quote from the testimony of our expert, Dr. Lao — “incapacitates victims and prevents them from resisting even the filthiest suggestions.”

My client was assaulted. Not once, not twice, but six ways to Sunday, ladies and gentlemen! Even a barback was called in to knock off a piece!

Don’t be fooled by the accused, a Hollywood actor who tells lies for a living. He wants you to believe that my client was willing, that he was a crazed fanboy, a hardened — forgive me, ladies and gentlemen, but these are his words from the stand — “a hardened starfucker!”

A preponderance of the evidence says otherwise.

I put it to you that this video which we are about to watch (and which Nightcharm has obtained through great effort; it’s running now in the Raging Stallion video theater in the Inner Circle) will show you how my client’s innocence and gullibility was betrayed. On the backs of tables, on the tops of bars, bent over chairs!

After which, I defy any fair-minded person not to find for the plaintiff.

Like a lollipop, ladies and gentlemen. Like a lollipop!