5 Ways to Love a Hard-On


Robert Mapplethorpe - Untitled

1. Turn Your Fetish for Rigid Members Into the Toast of Manhattan

Robert Mapplethorpe combined the shock effect of hardcore S&M porn with the fashion lighting and stagey compositions of George Platt Lynes, a photographer of artistic male nudes from the 40's and, in many ways, Mapplethorpe's gay herald.

But where Lynes had concentrated on elegant male forms, Mapplethorpe, an artist of the 70's, focused on images of hard-ons, such as the monster cock at top. In his own way, Mapplethorpe's boners were just as elegantly framed and fit in smoothly with the rest of his portfolio,vaguely glamorous shots of underground celebrities like Patti Smith, Grace Jones and Keith Haring.

Robert Mapplethorpe - Man in Polyester Suit

Robert Mapplethorpe is best know for a hotly controversial series of African-American cocks in tight closeup pouring out of trouser zippers, the most notorious of which was hard and juxtaposed with a pistol.

In emulation of Warhol, Mapplethorpe turned himself into his most important artwork, an artist celebrity, one that seemed the fulfillment of the themes he handled in his photography.

Clad in black leather, like his models, and with a beautiful face set under a cascading waterfall D.A., Robert Mapplethorpe became the toast of the Manhattan art gallery scene, in part by always showing up in iconic chaps as if he were on his way to a midnight sex club.

It is amusing now to see the demure Christmas calendars made of his photos -- no, not the important hard-on displays, but conventionally "arty" portraits of flowers given the high-fashion treatment -- truly, a case of selling the sizzle, instead of the steak.

2. Demonstrate What Puts the Beckon in Beckham

You are an E! TV pundit and you begin by pretending you're doing an item on Posh Spice, but you make sure to mention her more famous husband, soccer superstar David Beckham.

All Beckham

You make particular note of her cheeky testimonial to David Beckham's tool when she responded to a question about the "veracity " of his new Armani underwear ad.

"He is very much in proportion," you quote her, sneaking a wry look at the camera. "He does have a huge one, though -- he does! You can see it in the advert. It's all his. It's like a tractor exhaust pipe!"

Then you glance up as if bemused and befuddled by the unnecessary candor -- though of course it's giving you secret wood. Quickly, you cut to the visual aid --as Nightcharm favorite Joel McHale did on a recent Soup:

3. Turn Heads by Becoming Mr. Excitement

Ball-in-One Erector Brief, model not included.

Think of it as a duty, really.

You're setting a proper example for the young and the straight. And International Jock wishes to help you in that mission -- help, enhance and provide uplift, and not merely of the inspirational kind.

In our epic documentations of the world of salacious men's underwear, International Jock has shown us something we never saw before: a line of briefs it gamely describes as "anatomically correct."

Which, of course, makes us wonder, as it must make you: What the hell have we been wearing all these years? The castoffs of a Ken doll?

At left, you see -- and this is its official name -- the "Ball-in-One Erector Brief." Talk about a fashion statement!

To go soft, to be limp, to just hang there -- it's just so damned shameful. A man must appear -- if he can not always actually be -- a tense teenager with hot, sticky hormones straining to gush goo -- a lovely, if mad, rule to live by and the Golden Rule of the Erector Set line.

Correct as correct can be

Also available at International Jock are "anatomically correct" swimsuits and thongs such as the electrifying cobalt number at right.

"Look your best," boasts the blurb. Then, after burbling a bit about "this provocative swim thong" and its "pronounced lift effect" and "specially-contoured front pouch," the copy cuts straight to the bottom line, guaranteeing that the fast drying pouch will "leave little to the imagination."

Perfect then for those bad-hair days at South Beach when you simply wish to pass among the tanned bodies and world-class abs with your dignity intact. Could there be a better distraction than a permanent erection leading you on your way?

4. Become a Fan of High School Boys in Wrestling Singlets

Speaking of hot, sticky hormones straining to gush goo: The YouTube below testifies to what every groupie of college and high school wrestling knows. When young bodies mess around with each other, things happen. Regularly.

A score of similar videos posted on YouTube repeat the same surprise walk-on of the little feller with the mind of his own. So rather than run another, we thought we'd remind you of what a wrestling singlet looks like at half mast -- in case you forgot what makes those boners so worthwhile.

5. Make a Public Service Announcement on Cockrings 101

What every man needs to know -- although the 20 minute limit seems a tad draconian. We will decide to happily ignore it -- as we have so many times in the past.

©2007 Nightcharm