As much as we genuinely care that “Heather Graham got a Methven Satinjet shower head at the Michael Jordan Invitational on January 17 in the Bahamas,” we feel that the tabloids aren’t really keeping us adequately up to date on the down-and-dirty with regards to our favorite gay icons. We barely know a thing.
That’s why we’ve invited Celebrity Psychic, Miranda Celeste-Walters (right), to give us her unique insight into the sexual shenanigans of five prominent gay heartthrobs, and more specifically, why you may or may not want to sleep with them as much as you think you do.
Tom Ford: This looks like good sex, but I’m receiving something else. There’s a note below the surface here, and it has to do with childhood loss, and an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. This would not be good sex. I’m seeing antibacterial hand cleanser in almost every room, and also in the car. There is anger associated with shoes as well. Stay away from the shoes.
Elijah Wood: Very pleasant, but needy in ways that would not be immediately visible. There would be a lot of phone calls, and that could be good or that could be bad. Elijah writes angry emails. He doesn’t make a lot of sense. In the throes of sex, his voice is going to be higher than you’d expect. If you find yourself at odds with this delicate man, I recommend gifts of cheese.
Rupert Everett: This is excellent sex, but you’re not going to be getting much of it. Rupert, I’m feeling, has moved on. There are notes of Hickory. Rupert needs to feel superior, so don’t give him advice and don’t try to comfort him. There is an image coming to me of a very organized closet, but it wasn’t always like that. Though famous, he still eats canned soup.
Richard Simmons: Of all the celebrities that you’ve put in front of me, I’m going to say that this is the best possible sex. Richard is free and wild with his body, and he’s not afraid to sweat all over you. Also, I’m feeling that he is gifted where length and girth are concerned and is more than capable of dominating his partner to good effect. And he’s fun. He’s just fun.
Rufus Wainwright: Who is this man? I’ve never heard of him before. I’m sensing that he is a chef, or involved with foods. I’m concerned about him. I am getting very strong negative vibrations. He is angry, and his body demonstrates aggression through frequent cramping and through a disturbing odor, like old salad. No amount of affection or money are going to please him. Better to keep a distance. ‘Ralph,’ you said?
What is this, girl chat? Richard Simmons “the best possible sex.” No gay man would ever think that. And I doubt women would either. Who is this chick kidding?
Interesting of you to put Elijah Wood in with 3 out and 1 doesn’t-need-to-be-out-to-be-OUT gay men. He always struck me as a Santa Monica indie boy more than a member of the family. Meh, who knows?
If Richard Simmons is the best possible sex, I think I’ll take up gardening.
Thorn, the thing is: sex with Richard Simmons is like gardening, so you get both.
I think this is hilarious and I can’t believe y’all are taking it so seriously in your comments.
Aw shucks, it’s just kinda like sittin at an outdoor café with yer best girl friend watching the guys parade by and making comments on them. I’d take on elijah wood any ol’ day - know where there’s any shirtless pics of him?
Steve, I think it’s like this — if I take up gardening, I can get sweaty and dirty anyway, but not have to cry when I look at myself in the mirror afterwards. ^_~
wtf? this post blows.
Hey chriso: Believe me, I got the joke. I was lolling the whole time.
ELIJAH WOOD IS GAY?!
Is Elijah Wood gay??
Yes, Elijah Wood is gay.
I’d choose Tom Ford. I love notes below the surface of dark waters and I love shoes. No challenge with Richard Simmons. Nothing dangerous to deal with. Smooth and straightforward. Easy going and protective. Obviously, this is what Miranda likes in men. I see her comments as highly subjective. Women might look for the ideal husband, but gay men look for something quite different.
As a woman, I’d say you’re wrong, but you’re also wrong as a man.
No one is right, no one is wrong. Sexual attractiveness is something very personal. You know, this special thrill you suddenly feel and cannot explain.
But I keep thinking that what women see and look for in guys is very different from what guys see and look for in guys. In the same way as what women look for in women cannot be compared to what men look for in women. A simple question of male/female point of view and historical/social content.
Stacy, who are you talking to? What about the L-Word? You can sleep with Richard Simmons, we give him to you as a gift.
Yeah. Sure. Whatever.
I only have this to say: Vin Diesel.
Clearly a total and absolute pig bottom. Maybe you’d have to get him liquored up first, but I kinda like that. And none of that nasty “so when can we see each other again?” the next morning. But if you want Round Two, you’ll probably have to fix him an egg white omelet.
Hey Marcus, where’d you hear that Elijah Wood is gay? can hardly believe it, hand over the documents! ;-))
Says on wikipedia that Wood is not gay, and goes on to list the several women he’s supposed to have gone out with.
Maybe he’s gay, but just for fun, and not like all the time or whatever, or just likes anal stuff, but doesn’t necessarily have to have it from a man. I knew a guy who only wanted hairy women, and there’s nothing about that in the Bible.
Elijah wood is the sexiest man I have ever seen! I can just see the perfectness of him, his voice as you suck him!