Aries: With the moon in your mother’s water house, it is going to be important for you to really cut back on junk food and soda pop this week unless you want to inherit your genetic destiny on an immediate basis.
Taurus: Here’s an interesting recipe for your period of extended abstinence.
You’ll need: two jumbo eggs, flour, wheat germ, baking soda, table salt, traffic jam, diced cheese substitute, and lots of pepper.
Whisk in a shallow Pyrex roasting pan and microwave on high for fifteen minutes. Severe. That’s French for “Serve.”
Gemini: God damn it, you are exhausting everyone with your constant nagging and bad ideas. This is a time in which you need to second-guess everything that comes out of your mouth, though even that probably won’t be enough to counteract the permanent damage you’re doing to your public image.
Cancer: You are in a tender state this week, and will need to be babied by everyone around you. Let the people you deal with at home and work know that this is a time in which things are going to be very focused around you and what you feel is important. Ice cream is your weekly color. For now, just sit down.
Euripides: How deep is the ocean? You know the answer, don’t you? The deepest known point on Earth is at the bottom of the Mariana Trench, a depression in the floor of the western Pacific Ocean. This is where over 75% of the world’s bacteria originate. If only you could somehow close that trench…
Leo: How come when you walk outside, everyone else walks inside? Are you lonely? Loss of appetite is a strong signal that you are depressed. You’re going to have to really show some extra flair if you want the attention that you deserve.
Virgo: In Europe, they name cars after people like you. This week, that’s especially true.
Libra: Good job! You’ve finally achieved a state of complete ambiguity. From here, it will be easy to confuse and disorient your loved ones. All you have to do is sit and wait as they tumble through the smoke screen of your daily affairs into your elaborate net of needs.
Scorpio: That thing you do with your fingers isn’t having the effect that you imagine.
Sagittarius: Nobody is a Sagittarius. It just doesn’t happen that much. If you’re a Sagittarius, I would lie and say something that makes more sense, like “Leo” or “Capricorn,” just so people believe you because otherwise it looks like the latest eruption from your volcano of lies. Sometimes you’ve got to lie to be honest. Other signs already know this.
Capricorn: The Tunisian Republic is a country situated on the Mediterranean coast of North Africa. It is bordered by Algeria to the west and Libya to the southeast. It is the northernmost African country and the smallest of the nations situated along the Atlas mountain range.
Aquarius: Aquarius, you are known as the “water bear” for a reason. But don’t let the dampness of your demeanor cause mildew in your relationships. Just as you powder your butt in the mornings, you’ve got to powder the people you love with your affection.
Pisces: Cranky, willful Pisces, it is time for you to rearrange your fridge so that the items you use the most sit closer to the front.
I’m a Pisces and I TOTALLY just rearranged my fridge so that the items I use most sit closer to the front. She’s for reals, y’all!
I agree with everything she says except about my own sign, Scorpio. I just effected “That thing you do with your fingers” on some of my private parts and it definitely had “the effect that you imagine”. You can’t be right all the time, darling! Love from across the waves, Craig
Libra here. Confusion to those around me! Muahahaha!
I <3 Miranda
What about this extended period of abstinence I’m supposed to be having? I think I blew it last night.
… and a geography lesson on Tunisia to boot! Am I ever glad I checked out Nightcharm today.
Okay, here’s the latest “eruption of lies” from this Sagitarian: I love Miranda.
And, since when is Euripides a sign of the Zodiac?
POPPYCOCK!
I’m a Libra, and now I really am confusedd and disoriented. What have I done, again?
“Servez”, not “Severe”.
Well, she’s on target with the “extended period of abstinence”, yes hell, it has been well over a year…but I digress…what the hell kind of concockion :~) calls for a traffic jam as an ingredient? Or did she just lose the (sic) somewhere in the editing process…or, did I miss some underlying joke or bon mot? Or, Hell, have I just officially gotten older than my old grandfather’s tattered cock ring?
Suggestions? And, has any Taurinian actually made the yummmy recipe yet? These and other questions….
One last observation…the dish sounds more severe, ie. extreme, nocious, etc., than serve-ay..or is it just me?
Later guys…ummm, I mean chefs.
ceg.
Gemini: Shut up and FUCK! You are a submissive with oral diarrhea.
Libra: You two faced slut, it either whore OR Madonna not both. If you weren’t so busy sizing everything up for theft you might have some fun.
Scorpio: You are due for some good sex any century now, won’t your partners be pleased to bad you could, as usual, care less.
Cancer: Try as you might, you can’t figure out the perfect way to betray the person most important to you. YOU! Keep trying loser.
Capricorn: You were right all along masturbation is the BEST Sex.
Aquarius: Don’t use your head for something so unnatural to you: Thinking. Suck cock and STFU.
Pieces: Bad sex another of gods signals that you are Bi-polar.
Taurus: Who needs a partner? You would just bore them to death and your big Dick would be wasted again (although your face usually scares them first).
Aries: There’s a loser out there with money that you haven’t fleeced yet. Somewhere. Maybe he can blow you for some money or his soul.
Leo: Just lay there bitch, you are getting too fat to move anyway. Your belly is eclipsing your Dick.
Sagittarius: You and your manners will be back in style in only 50 more years. Maybe the baths will reopen.
Virgo: Prince charming came to your house today, Too bad you were partying with your loser friends at the bar.