As the days of Summer draw to an end, many of us are asking ourselves, “Whatever happened to the promise of Summer Romance?” …Or at the very least, a well-placed fling peppered with an appropriate amount of sweat and grass itch?
Alas, all that over-exposed footage of well-muscled European boys galloping about the beach in slow-motion has turned out to have very little to do with our own lives here at Nightcharm, so we’ve turned to the guru, our friend and trusted guide to the stars, Miranda Celeste-Walters to find out where it all went wrong.
Nightcharm: So what happened, Miranda? Where was the love?
MCW: You’re shocked? This was not the year for love. This remains a year of incredible inconvenience, coupled with an onset of bad odors. If you wanted to talk to me about love, you’d need to be talking to me about 2003, because your next big moment is so far-flung that I can’t even name a number right now.
NC: In a practical way, could you explain what that means to the Nightcharm reader?
MCW: Microwave pizza. Those chalky little packets of instant chicken broth. Cup-o-Poultry or whatever those are — you know how the dehydrated meat cubes never really turn into anything very much like chicken? And yet you know they started out as chicken. This is a one-way street.
But there are a couple things you could try.
NC: Yes?
MCW: This was originally a strategy I created for a homosexual client dealing with advanced-stage hair loss, but I think it could work. It’s called AMDO, which stands for Accept, Mourn, Downgrade, Obscure. This is also something I think could work in France.
NC: You said a “couple” things we could try?
MCW: There’s that feeling when you hold your breath for a really, really long time — your vision starts to flatten out and there’s a buzzing sound. Colors begin to intensify, and eventually you’ll black out. I’m not a doctor, and it’s not medical advice, but as a matter of opinion, I think there’s something to that.
Any kind of music with an oboe solo is going to take you further than you expect, as well, but that could be a bad thing.
Honestly my best advice is the same stuff your mom told you before you started the life-ruining process: lots of rest, lots of water, vegetables, don’t talk to strangers — that’s the idea for the rest of 2008. Trust me.
it’s not that we talk to strangers that much, we start with opening up our assholes for them, and with that, according to some in medicine or the clergy, comes brain and spine damage, if not immune system loss. Still, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t have it any other way . . .
Miranda spelled backwards is ” A DNA RIM”. Whaat do you suppose that means?
That’s when a good-looking assistant DA in disguise seduces “a person of interest” who refuses to give a DNA swab, rims him and then hightails it to the DNA lab to have his tongue swabbed.
This shit’s nuts…”She’s not a doctor…” Huh. This all sounds dangerous. What if a child was to come across this and then their religious orientation was effectd. This is much worse than the pornography on this site. Witchcraft!!!!!
*raises an eyebrow at Mandisa* someone needs to take it easy…
If a child came across this site, I’m reasonably sure the contents of this particular article isn’t what’s going to be the frontmost in his or her mind.
And if the pronography itself is bad, I have to wonder why you come here at all, Mandisa. Religious orientation? How exactly would that be altered from this particular article? And honestly, if you think this is witchcraft you really need to get out and see a bit more of the world…
As for the article: 2008 seems to be much like…well, any other year I’ve had so far, then. Interesting advice, but I do hope not too many people are going to take it to trying to hold their breath until they pass out and do something horrid to themselves in the process…(Darwin awards, anyone?)
But then…I guess those kinds of people really shouldn’t be allowed on the internet anyway. Nice article, though…I can’t say its been any sort of particular use to me.
Bullshit! The moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter is aligning with Mars — tomorrow. The Age of Aquarius is upon us. Peace, Love, Dope!!
Mandissa, if you’re being sarcastic then bravo. If not, try being less retarded. As are the other people who don’t understand comedy when they see it.
Miranda, as always, you are my favorite online astrologer and spiritual guru.
Sounds like Miranda needs to get laid or get back on her lithium. Or both.