Most of us know the frustration of finding that every guy who piques our interest already has another draped over his shoulder, in what looks like romantic bliss, leaving us high and dry. The question, “why are the good guys taken?” seems to be a conspiracy of fate.
Granted, a universally-desirable man (if there is such a thing) should have an easier time finding a mate quickly. But shouldn’t there be a constant supply of new men arriving on the scene when they reach 21? And it begs the question — does the fact that we’re still single mean that we’re not one of the “good” ones?
There’s a more familiar form of the adage, though; one that lets us know the phenomenon is mainly a matter of perception. It states, “why are all the good guys taken — or gay.”
To straight women, dating is tough, but that elusive otherworld of clean-cut, sensitive, articulate homosexuals – to them tauntingly out of reach – is full of opportunities they would be lucky to pursue, or so insists the joke. Gay men know it doesn’t work quite that way; we aren’t partnering up with ideal mates at the snap of a finger. We aren’t seeing perfection pop out ripe between the cantaloupes in the supermarket. And we don’t quite fit that description ourselves. Some sort of “the grass is always greener” scenario is at play.
To those deeply interested in long-term relationships, available guys are inherently less compelling than those who aren’t. But I don’t think it’s purely reducible idealizing what we can’t have. Surely we do that, but the appeal of coupled guys has less to do with the fact that they’re unavailable, and more to do with factors involved in not being single.
To start, lets admit the cynicism gay men often have toward their peers’ ability to be monogamous. It’s a distrust that permeates our outlook on relationships, and in a world where we doubt everyone’s ability to maintain a commitment, seeing someone stay in a relationship is rock solid proof that he can. He’s achieving something most of us find difficult. Add five points to his resume on those grounds alone.
Actually, add ten points, because at college age, meeting a guy who’s been dating the same guy for more than nine months is such a rare jewel that you instantly feel pangs of regret that you didn’t get to him first.
Which brings up another problem that can pop up being single — the jealousy. The lack of fulfillment. The desire. Occasionally, it can mean self-doubt. There’s a tendency to evaluate — sexually or romantically — every guy we meet who is theoretically eligible, and to show less interest in acquaintances we know we’d never end up dating. There’s a sense of urgency that causes desperation. It’s all behavior that we’d find unattractive in someone else, and we shouldn’t be surprised that other single guys display it as much as we do.
Meanwhile, those who are in a relationship, and stop looking for relationships, seem calm. They focus on other areas of their lives, and build authentic friendships which are not based on potential love or sex. Sure there are bad relationships everywhere, needy or unfaithful partners who don’t seem happy at all, who manifest that displeasure through all kinds of neuroticisms, and who you wouldn’t want to touch even with a stick. But when a relationship is working, it makes its members more attractive and appealing to everyone else.
It’s ironic that being available makes a person less desirable, but there’s a silver lining — sort of. Because the truth is that if you watch long enough, the peers we idealize never turn out to be any better than we are. There have been countless times that I admired a friend’s zen-like ability to navigate a relationship, only to watch the seemingly perfect couple, perhaps through circumstances not entirely either party’s fault, finally break up. And when it happens, both guys who I admired inevitably descend into the same horny, desperate, wishy-washy mosh pit that the rest of us are in, showing all the doubts and insecurities we have — showing the same tendency to hook up with near-strangers and regret it later, to feel bitter about an ex, or ditch friends for sex or brief illusions of love. Those who seemed to be a step above the rest of society are really just normal people after all.
And if they’re capable of becoming what we are, it means we are capable of becoming what they were, too.
The Buddhist outlook on desire emphasizes that it’s excessive want — not the lack of getting what you want — that leads to unhappiness. You’ve got to admire such a simple answer to the fundamental problem plaguing the human mind through all of history, one so obvious, but one that we resist because giving up on our desires is hard and the things we want are things we really want. But it leaves a door open to the way out of the conundrum of being desirable only when you’re not in desire.
I’d guess that the happy solution is finding an accepting, patient, meditative approach to relationships — one that is content with not being in love at the moment — to achieve all the coolness and sense of stability that the already-in-love seem to have. The first benefit is that you’ll be infinitely more appealing to others when you achieve it. The second benefit is that you’ll be able to exercise better judgment about who to date and who to avoid. The third benefit of being happy single is that, even if all else fails, at least you’re happy.
The way out of the cycle is to become truly satisfied alone. It’s a cliche that most of us figured out to some degree at age 16, but we didn’t take it to this necessary extreme: imagine yourself ten years in the future without a partner, and learn to avoid that panicked feeling it ignites in your stomach.
When you do that, know you’ve overcome your obsession and jealousy with “taken” guys, and you’re on the road to happiness in your love life whether you find someone or not.
And when you do it, please write me immediately to explain how the hell you did.
oh so much insight… I think there’s a Sex and the City episode about this
Vanya’s Wisdom #1: The grass is always greener on the other side of the hill.
Vanya’s Wisdom #2: Assume all men are pigs until proven otherwise.
Vanya’s Wisdom #3: Don’t worry. It gives you wrinkles.
Vanya’s Wisdom #4: Be happy. We choose how we respond to every situation.
If I can add one last bit of advice: Please don’t ask someone nice and single you meet, “So, WHY are you still single?” Even though it’s meant as a compliment, it too easily makes the other guy feel awkward. I’ve received that question enough times to determine never to throw it at someone else.
Insightful article. Speaking of Buddhism…the notion of karma actually seems to make sense to me when it comes to this issue. Not so much in the sense of payback, but just that one is dealt a certain hand based on whatever circumstances and actions that are now bearing fruit. Depending on factors we may not completely be aware of, some of us are dealt the hand of solitude, some are dealt fulfilling relationship, some are dealt frustrating relationship. The key isn’t so much in being happily single as in being happily whatever.
It’s either karma or nonsense. I’m struck by how the sweetest, hottest men end up alone while there are ridiculous assholes who are ALWAYS in a relationships..
Buddhism advocates the release from all desire, not just the excessive kind. Short of becoming monks and devoting ourselves to the inner, not outer world, that cannot be achieved. Thankfully, as human beings we desire. And a nod goes to out all gay relationships, short or long, for honoring that desire.
While straight relationships can hide other motivations for coupling (social climbing, tradition, reproduction), or for staying coupled (fear of divorce, religious obstacles, family pressures), gay relationships exist only for the joy of the two people involved. Comparing straight and gay, even the sex itself is different. Can you imagine two gay lovers faking it? There is an amazing honesty, a clarity, a fufillment of human purpose that gay relationships exemplify.
Is it necessary to be “happy alone” before we find the right partner? I think it depends on how you define happy. If you mean, at peace with yourself, definitely. But if you are also restless, if you feel incomplete, and the world appears black and white instead of in living color, without love in your life, then you are 100 percent a normal human being.
I say reach out to people, sexually and platonically. You can’t grow in a bubble, you can only grow after living through relationships with other people. When you’re ready for a long term, mature relationship, and not just toying with one, you’ll know it, and you’ll find like-minded people. You don’t have to put life on hold to look for a permanant partner. You have to actually live life. And when you’re ready, you will find yourself seeking activities, people and places which lead to what you want long term. Even if it’s as small as pausing to speak to someone a few minutes longer than you would have before, maturity leads us to behave in new ways to change our lives.
It’s true what they say: Once you stop looking for the perfect guy, he finds you.
add ten points, because at college age, meeting a guy who’s been dating the same guy for more than nine months is such a rare jewel that you instantly feel pangs of regret that you didn’t get to him first
At college age?! Sheesh.
I’m about to turn 37; my only long-term relationship began just after college when I was still 21 — and that one lasted five or six or seven years, depending on where you place the getting together and the breaking up. (My ex and I are still friends, though, and he’s going on seven solid, happy years now with his post-me partner.)
BUT… in the years since that LTR ended, I’ve lost count of how many men my age and older that I’ve dated who have never celebrated a first anniversary with anyone. Every relationship they’ve had has been reckoned in “monthiversaries.” And I’ll tell you why: Because these guys expect that successful long-term relationships happen automagically, and thus at the first sign of trouble they think “this wasn’t meant to be.”
I’m thankful for this; it’s one of the most sensible things I’ve seen written about being single.
I do want to point out that I’ve met quite a few guys in LTRs who are terrified of being single themselves. I know one fellow who just can’t cope with the idea of his partner leaving him or being alone ever again. And I’ve known guys in relationships that are so open and have so many guys on the side that their “partner” really has little significance to them.
I do agree that it is necessary to be happy on your own. It’s easy, almost glib advice, and so hard to put into action! I’ve had it directed at me so many times, and always by people who are already in relationships, which always raised a certain level of resentment in me.
I haven’t given up hope of finding a good man but now that I’m in my 40s I realize my chances are growing slim. I’ve made a certain amount of peace with being single but I keep thinking that something good could be waiting for me out there.
thanks to DaveO and Sam’s remarks, Am a Zen bachelor.
I thought I was the only reasonable, happy, attractive, single Eros-driven male out here! I would never settle for anything less than comfortable, tolerance, acceptance: love.
I am very close to Nature, hug trees. How delicious it would be to embrace and hold another being, who would also have time to thrive on such pure touch. Ahhhh…
Why do we always want what we can’t have?
I’m 38 and I’ve read so many articles like this and not one of them has made the least bit of difference in my perpetually single existence.
I don’t know the answer. I must have done something terrible in a past life.
My experience has mirrored Derek’s comment. It’s like the looking and the hunger and the searching and the pushing and twisting and turning about getting together with someone actually broadcasts a sort of ‘too muchness’ vibration, that is then a turn off to a potential mate. It’s always been when I’ve finally ‘given up’ and just settled into being with my life, being content with what is, appreciating my friends, being thankful for my health, and the general sense of wellbeing with the world — and then — BOOM — I meet somebody. Nothing says ‘look the other way’ to a person like a hungry look in someone’s eyes. None of us want to feel like an object that’s going to be there to fill someone’s lack. It seems a simple law of the universe.
Im in my mid-40s, and have been single for all of it, not for lack of trying. I hate being asked WHY ARE YOU SINGLE? My response depends on my mood. I usually just smile and say “bad luck and bad timing, I guess.” Though, one time I did say, “If I knew the answer to that question I wouldn’t be here trying to get into your pants.” It is the only pick up line that has ever worked for me.
I’ve stopped looking, I’ve moved on trying to widen my small circle of friends. I can still travel the world without a mate, I can work on my house alone, and I am free to pursue other interests. If Mr. Right shows up, so be it.
I’m tired of being told that I’ll find a man when I stop looking. It may be said with all the best intentions, but please stop telling me that. I’m beginning to find it patronizing. Besides…If I stop looking because I’m told that I’ll find a man when I stop looking, aren’t I really still looking if I’ve only stopped looking because I’ve been convinced that I’ll be successful if I stop looking?
i’ve been single most my life because i’ve never met a guy i was attracted to both physically and mentally—it’s usually just one or the other. i hope i’ll meet a guy one day that i click with but i also know nothing is guaranteed. it does suck to think i’ll never meet a wonderful guy to share my life with, but it’s just something you can’t force, buy, or fake. it will just happen or it won’t. good luck to you all.
This whole “single” obsession thing is such an old person mentality.
Just shut the fuck up and go after some guy you like. If you’re single after trying repeatedly it’s because you care too much about how other people view you.
i just got off from 2,5 years relationship.. and i’m envy those who have or still have a relationship longer than mine..
but yet, i still prefer to involve with someone i already know for at least more than 6 months, instead of having love at first sight when it truly lust at first sex…
uh…
being single sucks, but it’s ALWAYS better than being in a crappy relationship.
I’m an escort and I can’t even count how many clients I’ve had who are hot, attractive, articulate, engaging, professionally successful, and extremely nice (in other words, seemingly perfect)…who are partnered. I see it ALL THE TIME. Lots of them are living the “gay dream”- equally hot boyfriend, beautiful home, amazing vacations, some with kids- and yet they see me regularly. I’m not in any way making a judgment- just saying that nothing is ever what it seems.
These responses are depressing. It’s easy to pass the blame of your unhappyness onto someone else, or the lack of someone else, but maybe you should look in the mirror. …and the length of a relationship is no measure of its quality. Stop being so shallow.
For everything you get in life, you have to give something up. Nothing is free, even if the payment isn’t obvious. Relationships are work, not just fun and pleasure. If you open yourself up to love, you also open yourself up to pain and loss. What will it be like for me if I survive my lover of 26 years? A constant howl of pain? A black depression? A bitter veil cast over every living thing?
Oh, sure. That. Been there, done that. But very, very thankful that I was given the oportunity to feel that deeply, care that much, live.
Why didn’t a single one of you guys mention AIDS? Fear of pain, fear of death, fear of being ostracized from one’s family, high school fear, body shape fear, poverty fear, social class fear, dick size fear, fear of rejection, fear of betrayal, fear of ending, fear of beginning? All that stuff we try and push aside, rationalize, medicate? Gets in the way of being alive at all, much less having a relationship with someone else…who is probably dealing with a lot of the same fears.
So, be brave, be honest, have fun, enjoy life. Find people who make you laugh, who hold you when you cry, who make your sensitive parts twitch with pleasure. Friends, family, fuckbuddies, lovers are all relationships that you have with people. Work on keeping the good ones.
I only stumbled upon this website in the middle of the night, but I just had to say after reading this; you are a damned good writer, and very insightful to something that has plagued me (I’m sure a lot of other people) for a long time.
Great Work.
funny i was just chatting with a (girl) friend sounding a bit desperate looking for a quality man. there i went sending her pictures of fuckably naked guys, though i reminded her most of them were after other guys, not girls. she was amused. i also recommended ‘putting herself out there’ like in myspace or facebook to gain more exposure. i told her that’s how i got a lot of attention, though more in line with my own niche, such as adam4adam or gay.com. i am not in a committed relationship at present. haven’t been since 2004 which lasted just over a year. i don’t feel in any way unhappy being single this long; if anything, the fights and the compromises while in a relationship just strengthen my motivation not to hurry getting into one. still, it’s a nice feeling being with somebody on a regular basis but i don’t see how friendships cannot fill that kind of need. a full-on confession: i don’t think i’ve experienced being in love with anybody, even with those guys i’ve had relationships with. it’s a feeling/state that has eluded me ever since and i’m at a loss distinguishing that from other fond feelings towards another person such as a crush, infatuation, strong liking, nurturing, empathy, or even pity. i like being around people i like but i also need my privacy and time just for myself. i function best in the position of giver, provider, advisor, and supporter. it’s my personality. god knows i got my own set of troubles but i never wish to trouble anyone with them. to my dismay, others get the impression that i’m happy and contended as i am, although i never intentionally fake anything, which is hard to do anyway given my highly editorial and transparent face. another thing is my highly charged libido. i love sex a lot and enjoy hooking up. to be clear, i also enjoy meeting people for something other than sex. for instance, i go to the opera and i don’t know anyone who’d go with me. i don’t think i need a partner just to satisfy that facet of my life. besides, it’s almost impossible to find one person who can share the same set of passions that i have so i’m not even gonna try searching. being happy in solitude is a blessing in this case.