“Husky” is good, right? We would want three hours of continuous, hardcore action from some of Brazil’s “huskiest” men, wouldn’t we? Is it like rugged, only thicker, with grunting and stubble?

A loosely-held secret of porn promotional blurb-writing is that no matter what material the writer is handed, he must find some way to speak well of it.  That said, though he can’t blatantly insult it, he doesn’t want to be entirely dishonest so there are quite a few occasions on which a writer is stuck saying something most easily likened to “that sweater-vest is so different!”

That’s because even though porn is a multi-billion-dollar industry, the quality of the product is wildly unstable. Writers must forge forward and say the best thing they can say to promote the video they may or may not have actually watched.

To that end I’ve compiled this short guide, after years of weary and dedicated porn promo-reading, to help you through the hurdles and hoops of discerning what should be the least traumatic path to your healthy erection.

Physique

Sexy: (Tommy’s sexy body) The model’s body is of appropriate weight and built. Unfortunately, models who are described as “sexy” also tend to have egregiously overwrought hairstyles and a propensity to tilt their heads to the side.

Despite looking like the lost member of the Pussycat Dolls, this model illustrates what porn promo copy writers are talking about when they say someone is “sexy.”

Chiseled: (Baker’s chiseled good looks) The model has protruding muscles and lower-than-average body fat. This is often accompanied by bad skin and a sunken face.

Spartan: (Noel’s spartan good looks) The model is almost entirely nondescript.

Fuzzy/Hairy: (Baker’s fuzzy ass) The region in question has a coverage of hair. The terms “fuzzy” and “hairy” are imminently trustworthy, as they are objective. Only your own taste can dictate whether “fuzzy” is good or not.

Conservative: (Jake’s conservative style) “Conservative” models are usually distinguished by a mercilessly short hairstyle and an unremarkable, slightly-round face. They spend a couple minutes on film talking about their imaginary girlfriends. Of course, straight guys do porn for the gay market all the time, but they usually feel far less compelled to look and sound “conservative” because that’s not the kind of straight guy who does a gay video.

Cock

Rigid: (Taylor’s rigid cock) This means that the penis in question is not large enough to say that it’s large, but it does at some point achieve an erection. This erection might be sort of inflamed and angry looking.

Thick: (Taylor’s thick cock) This means that the penis in question is not large, or rigid. It is most likely average — the sort of thing you walk past in the locker room right before the sinking feeling starts and your world view deflates. “Thick” in porn promo copy is nothing more than a statement that the model does in fact have a penis, unless the word is accompanied by a second stronger adjective.

Enormous: (Elias’ enormous dick) The word “enormous” is a special one. Writers know not to use it unless they’re pretty sure they aren’t going to let us down, because it invites criticism if the goods don’t live up.

Huge: (Elias’ huge dick) A less-impactful, unbacked version of “enormous” in which writers feel more free to disappoint us, because on some level they justify that any erection may seem “huge” to us compared to the flaccid state of the same penis.

Bent: (Tony’s bent fuck pole) The cock in question will have a curvature to the left, right, or downward. Upward curvature is not often referred to as being “bent” because it is common.

Gnarly: (Blake’s gnarly baby cannon) The models cock has been to hell and back. It is likely purple, veiny, and similar in form to a carved wooden gopher.

Wicked: (Carson’s wicked tool) See “rigid” and add 1/2 portion of “gnarly.”

Tumescent: (Trevor’s Tumescent Bulge) Nobody uses this besides my boyfriend, but I think it’s hilariously bad, and I beseech someone to say it just once, for me. I’m looking at you, Randy Blue.

Rod of Aaron: Old Testament reference. Nobody uses this. Extra points for anyone who refers to a model’s “rod of aaron” becoming “tumescent.”

Sex

Decimation: (Total ass decimation) In gay porn this either means nothing at all, or that an old guy with greasy hair is going to spit on a younger guy who’s going to be sort of zoned out while he gets fucked by an average dick while the older guy makes sounds he heard some other older guy in porn make once. In straight porn, this means either nothing at all, or that a sleazy looking orange-colored man with a large penis is going to have anal sex with his secretary/waitress, and she’s going to make a lot of nasal sounds, and sort of pout.

Sloppy: (Tristan’s sloppy eruption) This indicates that the model is going to cum at some point. It usually doesn’t mean more than that. It can also be used to refer to the fact that a model is going to give another model an untargeted and crude blow job.

Slam: (Gordon slams charlie) The top is highly energetic for some portion of the action.

Agony: (Petr’s face contorts in agony as Rand penetrates his virgin pucker.) The bottom is going to ham it up for a while.

Languid: (Dimitri and Marc’s languid encounter) During a “languid” encounter, the models roll around and lick at each other’s nipples for a while before/if they do much else. “Languid” encounters were popular at Bel Ami back in the mid-’90s. They were filmed in soft-focus, overexposed, and tinted yellow. Sometimes they were edited into softcore versions in which no sex occurred so that they could be sold in third-world markets and parts of Kentucky. Box art often includes bowl cuts and drift wood.

Brotherly: “Brotherly” works like “languid” except there’s going to be a sports scene for the first portion of the video. If you plan to skip this, go to minute seven, by which point someone will be licking a guy named Cade’s nipples.

Names

If you have to make a fast decision on the basis of name-only information, use this section as your aesthetic guide.

Yes: Luke, Phillip, Tony, Max, Jack, Allen, Henry, Sam, John, Rico, Alex, Mitchell, Rick, Thomas, Diego, Harry, Terrance, Adam

No: Rand, Kaleb, Logan, Emory, Jacob, Connor, Trey, Skylar, Thad, Taylor, Mick, Angel, Trent, Kenny, Dustin