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Horned-up Lumberjacks: Hailed as Masterpiece by the French

by John Calendo
Loose Lips Sink Ships

It’s hard to imagine a more unlikely candidate for an elite French film journal than the new release Lumberjack Gang Bang — a frank exploration of the cum-flying, ass-plowing, and mouth-jamming that can be expected when lumberjacks are stranded in the wood, due to a bridge collapse, and can’t get their weekend quota of — as the screenplay drolly puts it — “pussy banging.”

Even the tagline for the film is simple and direct, warranting, so it would seem, no further analysis: In the forest only lumberjacks can hear you beg for more!

Thus we were electrified when we picked up the December issue of Cahiers du Cahiers, which specializes in close readings of American film and bills itself as “a meta-journal” — the name means “Notes on Notes” and is one step up in mental abstraction from the now aged Cahiers du Cinéma.

“A wartime masterpiece,” raved cinéaste Jean-Baptiste Bresson, “in which the subtext is Iraq and the American soul.” The massive essay begins, as is the style of the journal, with a long, meditative anecdote on how Bresson had intended to write about Ken Burns’ The War, a 19-hour documentary on World War II that he had just seen at the Cannes Film Festival.

But upon leaving the premier after those 19 hours, in an understandable daze, he retired to his hotel room for a nightcap and, just to have a bit of life in the room, turned on the television. Lumberjack Gang Bang was on the rented channel. It took no more than two master shots for all thoughts of the Ken Burns epic to be fully eclipsed.

United for Victory

“In a beautiful evocation of the homefront films of the 40’s,” writes Bresson, “like Since You Went Away and Mrs. Miniver, where the husbands and fiancées are absent and the women must fend for themselves, Lumberjack Gang Bang challenges our gender expectations in a modern reversal of the sexes : it is the women who are here inaccessible and the men who must comfort each other as best they can.”

But these men, rather than tending Victory Gardens or raising prize-winning roses, are driven to mass rape, choosing the “camp bitch” by straw vote. In their effort to create normalcy out of chaos, Bresson sees “the eternal dilemma of the homefront” and when “the appealing Rhett O’Hara” (whom the screenplay repeatedly refers to as “that pig bottom”) is cornered by “the commanding Matt Sizemore,” Bresson cites the famous Nazi in the kitchen scene from Mrs. Miniver, which he assures us “was purposely referenced, right down to the menacing way Sizemore’s forelock keeps falling over his eye, in the manner of Helmut Dantine.”

Impossible to find on newstands

The last 2/3 of the review is a long diatribe on war and “Bush’s America,” reinterpreting the film through the somewhat convoluted lights of dialectical materialism (again, as is the Cahiers du Cahiers wont). It need not concern us here, except for a 500-word exegesis on a single line of dialog — “I need poontang the way an addict needs dope” — which Bresson contends “both celebrates the American character as well as reveals its belligerent isolation.”

The Bresson piece, as it became unmoored from the intended Ken Burns review, was eventually retitled La Qualité Pornografik: Keep the Home Fires Burning, Boys. It is not available online, alas (or should we say quel* dommage?) But we do have fond memories of when we featured Lumberjack Gang Bang in the Inner Circle’s Blue Blake video theater. Days were freer then, nights longer and men were simply, well, MEN.

Members and Non-Members

All images ©2007 Big Blue Productions. Text ©2007 Nightcharm

  • sanusi

    I have hard penis

  • Nala

    My penis as well hard

  • Monty Gold

    I’m wondering if sanusi and Nale even bothered to read the ‘copy’ for this series of pics, touting this video? I haven’t laughed so hard in years. I’ll enter my holiday season with the following slogan ricocheting through my head:

    In the forest only lumberjacks can hear you beg for more!

  • buddy1970

    I-I-I’m a lumberjack and I’m OK
    I sleep all night, I work all day…

    I like to skip
    I like to jump
    I like to press wild flow’rs
    I put on women’s clothing
    And hang a-round in bars!

  • buddy1970

    OK, so I just went and rented this at another site where I’m already a member, and I’m a bit underwhelmed. If this is “the American soul,” then we are truly soulless. Nothing but half-hard cocks and disinterested cries of, “Aw, fuck yeah.” How boring did that documentary have to be to make this exciting?

  • Golddiggerette

    buddy1970, honey, I think the NC folks are spoofing with their reportage of the Cahiers du Cahiers review. Just a parody.

    Just a guess.

  • Anonymous

    *Actually, you should say ‘quel dommage’ as dommage is masculine.

  • buddy1970

    Well, I ain’t spoofing, Golddiggerette. That was some mediocre porn. Just a warning to you all.

  • The Man in the Shed

    Postmodernistically (is that a word?) inclined reviewers have been reinterpreting war movies as exagminations (yes, that is a word) of male sexual desire for years.

    So it only makes sense to flip it over and take it the other way.

    ;-)

  • catmandu

    That movie has been out for years now,atleast 3-4 years ago.Staten MCcormack & Ray Stone are worth watching.

  • http://androphilia.blogspot.com The Gay Species

    When did skinheads as “sexy” survive the 1990s? I suppose in detached anatomical parts brings joy into one’s life, what does it matter? Frankly, the Holocaust-look, Skinhead-look, and Metallic-finish look turn me off. But the Nazi-porn theme must sell like “pink triangles” and “torture porn.”

    Erotica is beautiful: These guy’s are NOT.

  • big-n-nasty

    u get hard as soon as u get on here

  • Kapitano

    There is an actual SM vid called “Gaytanamo”. But I somehow don’t think pomo homos would go near it.

  • http://wolfshammy.com/blog Rob W.

    Oh my God, it’s like the parodist paper I never got to write for my film studies course.

  • JOHN

    I WISH I WAS THERE TO SUCK ALL OF THOSE BIG COCKS. I WOULD LET THEIR SEMEN RUN DOWN MY THROAT. I WISH I WAS THERE TO SUCK ALL OF THOSE BIG COCKS. I LOVE A MOUTHFUL OF COCK. THOSE MEN ALL LOOK GREAT LOVE TO HAVE 6 FUCK ME IN THE ARSE.

  • Kyle

    I haven’t laughed this hard, WITH a HARDON in years. This is why I love this site. Thanks.

    Kyle

  • RON

    LOOK AT ALL THOSE HUNKS IT TURNS ME ON JUST SEE THOSE HARD COCKS AND THEIR BALLS FULL OF CUM WICH I WOULD LET THEM BLOW INO MOUTH

  • ken

    My Penis is hard and I can fuck these men all day long.

  • lama

    all of you are criminals you want to polute me

  • riverboy

    I vant to pollute you, lama. Come to me, you little minx!

  • PETER

    JUST TO BE SURROUNDED BY ALL THOSE NAKED HUNKS I WOULD BLOW MY WAD AND I WOULOVE TO SUCK THEM OFF ONE BY ONE AND DRINK THE LOT

  • PETER

    I WOULD LOVE TO LAY BACK AND LET THEM FUCK ME ONE BY ONE AND FILL MY HOT ASS WITH CUM

  • JOE

    I LOVE THE LOOK OF ALL THOSE JOCKS AND LOVE THE TASTE OF CUM I WOULD SUCK THEM OFF AND DRINK THEIR CUM EVERY ONE OF THEM , LOVE TO HAVE A BIG HARD COCK IN MY MOUTHE EXPLODE LOTS OF HOT CUM .

  • JOE

    I WOULD LOVE FOR THEM TO FUCK ME WITH ANOTHER GUY THAT I WAS SUCKING OFF AND HAVE THEM BLOW INTO ME

  • JOE

    I LOVE THE FEEL OF A BIG HARD MEATY COCK IN MY MOUTH WITH HIM JUST SHOOTING A LOAD OF HOT CUM INTO MY EAGER MOUTH

  • argead330

    Joe, honey, I know your right hand is occupied (assuming you’re right handed), so please use your left hand to release the caps lock. You’re hurting my eyes. On the other hand, jacking off with the left is more artistic—-have you tried it? Go ahead, it will make you appreciate the beauty and readability of writing in caps and lower case, especially with sans serif fonts.

  • lui

    if i there i suck all the big cocks and dicks and i finding a guy to suck my big ass