There’s something about those bi guys that burns in our minds whenever we happen to know one.
To be more precise, there’s something about the “bi-curious” male. He claims — truthfully or not — to prefer women, to be, as he might call himself, a “regular dude,” except that if the case is compelling enough he might experiment with a guy.
Our perspectives on him will diverge wildly. Some find him deliciously elusive and have an overwhelming curiosity for him. Others consider him the holy grail of sexual adventure.
I think that most who have been in the gay community for a while meet him with the assumption that he’s just half in the closet or putting on an act. The “something about him” we sense can be distrust or even disdain. Surely, many surmise, he’s a full-blown queer, with the as much inclination for a male partner as any raging queen. He’s just happened to learn that for some reason, when it comes to finding a sexual partner, a lot of gay men find the “questioning straight dude” or “gay first-timer” irresistible.
Which begs the question: why do we find that so irresistible? What’s appealing about the idea of a clearly insecure, unprepared and inexperienced man?
As an aside, I’m not here to claim male bisexuality is not real, and to be fair to my friends who have loved both genders and bisexual guys who visit this site, I’ll say I know real male bisexuality does exist.
Many in the gay community resist acknowledging a real bisexual man, because we’ve encountered the type of gay guy who claims to be bisexual thinking it makes him somehow better than the rest of us. We come away, reasonably, offended by his subtle insistence that we’re faggier or weaker or more “limited” for liking men exclusively.
We can’t let our experience with those men lead to disrespect for real people, those guys who are, indeed, bisexual because of the exact biological impetus that makes others gay or straight.
Nor can we approach any particular self-identified bisexual man drawing initial uninformed conclusions that he’s being disingenuous about his orientation just because we know others are. To make those assumptions is the definition of prejudice.
But the question here centers on the central phenomenon: what is so damn hot about the thought of a guy who fucks women? I say this with the confession that I’ve fallen for the appeal myself, though I’m cynical about its cause.
A friend and I once used a term called “straight allure” when people-watching or talking about a person’s desirability. Straight allure was the quality that made a somewhat-attractive guy more appealing if we heard he had an especially masculine voice, played sports, had mostly straight guys as friends or was still half in the closet. It wasn’t something we intentionally sought in romantic partners or celebrated being drawn to, but it was a noticeable turn-on nonetheless.
The simplest way to obtain “straight allure” but remain sexually available to men is to be bisexual. Better yet, convey the I’ve never been with a guy before but I’ll make an exception for you kind of nearly-heterosexual bisexuality. A simple analysis of why this is a turn-on would point to internalized homophobia, but I’ll look for something a little more complex.
I find the answer in old-fashioned hegemonic sexuality, the gender-mythology of our culture that constructs the concepts of masculine and feminine. That is: according to our upbringing and adolescent years, the most basic, straightforward, undeniable way to prove your masculinity is to put your penis inside a vagina, or to want to. (Sliding it up between a pair of tits or getting head from a girl works just as well.) According to our traditional cultural understanding of masculinity — which leaks into the gay psyche since most gays grew up in straight households — a guy who fucks women proves his masculinity no matter what his body or mannerisms look like.
The first manifestation of that is that gay guys who are newly emerging from the closet can begin to embrace their same-sex attractions while distancing themselves from the stereotypical sissyness associated with homosexuality, by claiming to be bisexual.
Second is the overwhelming amount of gay men’s porn claiming to feature straight, bisexual or bi-curious guys. You’ll even find headlines mentioning “married guys” looking to fool around with men.
Ultimately, nearly every mention of male bisexuality directed at gay men is linked to an intended implication of masculinity. We’ve all seen the template in an Online profile: “Bi jock, mostly into girls but willing to try a guy, not fem.”
There are more positive ways to view the allure of bisexuality. One is that he’s a guy who is usually with women but he wants to try something new and we’re just helping him out.
Another is that a bisexual represents a comfortable synergy between masculinity and finesse; an extreme stereotypical straight guy is too crude and disgusting (traits we associate with masculinity) to interest us, an extreme stereotypical gay guy is too delicate and pretty to turn us on, but the bisexual guy stands in the comfortable, boyish medium. Like an unusually-masculine gay male or the unusually-effeminate metrosexual straight man, the bi guy is someone who brings in the best of both genders, in a perfectly balanced, well-tuned androgyny.
A final possibility I’ll put forward is that when a guy usually dates women but swings for you, you can believe you are the only significant man in his life. If you live in a small or medium-sized community, the number of gay men there is even smaller and you’re used to learning that most people you find interest in have either dated, slept with or know a long list of other people you also have history with. Those embarrassing discoveries can get complicated or depressing after a while, so it’s nice to think you’ve bypassed competition finding someone who is “new,” or avoids the gay scene giving you a more exclusive relationship, sexual or otherwise.
Attitudes in the gay community toward bisexuality in males are clearly all mixed up. Neither jealous adoration nor condescending scorn are healthy — and in this case they feed each other.
On the other hand, regardless of the source of this weird form of desire, the desire is there. The idea of a jocular, fit, masculine guy who “just wants to try something out,” can be hot whatever your reasoning for thinking so. We can see it, for our purposes, not as a degrading or self-deprecating worship of a desire for females that we don’t have, but as a sneaky way to undermine the institutions of heterosexism.
We wonder, how many of these “straight” guys lurk in high places of societal power, passing as wholesome family men, who may be authentically attracted to their wives and girlfriends, but occasionally batting, even if in secret, for our team. They’re not our detractors but our elusive allies, proving to the Religious Right and political opponents that our numbers are greater even than the “ten percent” we’ve always heard. It’s the happiest way to see things, so I’ll take that view for now.
All of the fun-loving guys pictured throughout this article are featured in the Inner Circle’s Fratmen Theater. We’ve never questioned them about their ’sexual orientation,’ so we can’t guarantee if they’re bisexual or not — but we couldn’t resist the chance to show off just the type of guys we conjure bi-sexual or ’straight allure’ fantasies about.
I think this is and always will be a touchy subject. I may not have lived as long as most but all of the Bi guys that i have met or have dated always end up gay. Wich has led me and my friends to belive that there is no such thing. As far as our opinion is most Bi guys are just not ready to let the world know that they are gay.
“I may not have lived as long as most but all of the Bi guys that i have met or have dated always end up gay. Wich has led me and my friends to belive that there is no such thing.”
So what if I know three teenagers who tell me they think they might be gay, and then over the years they all decide that they are actually straight. Does that mean that, because of my limited experience, I can say with confidence that homosexuality doesn’t exist, and that YOU aren’t homosexual either because of the three non-gays I met?
I’m bi and I’m attracted to masculine/intellectual guys and cute/frisky/intellectual girls. Guys give better head and vagina sexin is bliss. I take relationships on a person by person basis. I’m attracted to “straight” guys, but I’ve never slept with one.
I’m not one of those gay guys attracted to straight men if I know they’re straight. I’m not fascinated by what straight guys do with women. We all know what they do, and to me it’s just mechanical.
I actually find it insulting when gay porn websites try to sell you some model as “straight” or “bi curious” (like Sean Cody) as if there aren’t enough hot, horny, masculine, real gay guys out there who really know how to have sex with other men. The sex on those sites is always half-assed and awkward.
I prefer to watch proud gay men who really get into each other.
I so totally agree with DiamondDog. Also, it is sad to know that most of the guys having sex with other guys are str8, in it for the money only. Yuck.
Two guys really into each other is a real turn on.
I have a friend that claims to be bi-sexual and I really think he is just a slut but I do believe he is genuinely bi-sexual. I’ve known him my entire life and now that all my friends, one by one, are coming out of the closet, it turns out he has seduced or at least tried to seduce every single one of them! If I go out to the usual dodgy joburg bars I’m guaranteed to meet at least two girls he has slept with. His name is M*A*S*H in case someone I know reads this one day.
I want to know, from anyone, if you find a bi-sexual guy that is into you, would it be more satisfying to fuck him or have him fuck you?
I’m with DD on this. It’s far hotter to watch two gay men who really dig each other get down to business. The kissing and the touching and the fucking have real sex lust behind it, not omg-I-need-money lust.
I used to be into the straight but curious thing when I was first starting college, but then they started teaching me about gender and Nietzsche and it went all to hell. This is a little bit of a turnoff to me.. I can’t quite put my finger on it but it has to do with heterosexual males, the amazing amount of power they have in our society, and not wanting to let them have their cake and eat it too while my sexuality has to be (on occasion) a millstone around my neck.
Personally I think part of the reason guys do this is so they don’t have to bottom or return oral sex :b
I like to joke that I’m gay, I like gay men. If I wanted a straight man I would get a sex change. There’s just something inherently sexier about knowing you’re screwing someone that’s totally into it.
Matt said: “I can’t quite put my finger on it but it has to do with heterosexual males, the amazing amount of power they have in our society, and not wanting to let them have their cake and eat it too while my sexuality has to be (on occasion) a millstone around my neck.”
Thank you, Matt, for so succinctly putting into words what I’ve been trying to express for awhile now. This is the very thing that so exasperates me when I hear (or read) about these guys who are themselves honest and courageous enough to identify as gay in this still-oppressive society, yet who are (unbelievably) still so eager to fetishize the straight male and all that he represents.
If only it were, as so many would claim, merely the sex that is no-strings-attached in these situations. Unfortunately for us, however, the so-called straight guy is completely off the hook after his orgasm, when he can return to the “respectable” world of heterosexuality while we must slink back to the shadows of the gay ghetto of societal marginaliz
You guys are all making great points in reference to each others poinds, but don’t be mislead by the title – the article is about bi guys, not straight guys.
As in, guys who fuck women, but are also genuinely into guys. The “straight guy allure” in this article is NOT about actually-straight guys, its guys who gain some semblance of heterosexuality by having sex with women but are actually either bi or gay.
I would argue bi guys are simultanneously stigmatized less and more than gay men. Political conservatives would lump them in equally to gay guys as social deviants, but in that frat boy culture both in and outside of the gay community, which is still homophobic but has no care for sexual “purity,” bi guys get extra “proof” of masculinity for being into women – which the article explores. They’re less stigmatized there. But then among gay men – who probably, as far as we know now, outnumber bisexual men greatly – bi guys are an enigma.
A lot of good points brought up in this post and the subsequent responses, so I’ll skip my first cent and skip to my second. Last spring at a house party, I hooked up with a guy who was “straight” in the general definition of the word. Tending towards the masculine side myself, he presumed I was straight as well until I mentioned that his roommate seemed prejudiced towards gay people, effectively outing myself. From his taciturn response, I assumed he swung with the taco truck (he was also tall, athletic, blonde, and the embodiment of California brosephs). As the night petered away, people left and the few remaining, including myself and my new acquaintance got drunker at which point he tells me that I’m cute.
Long story short, we give it the old high school kick and hook up in the car.
It was a fantasy realized for me, but after four days, I came to the harsh reality that I could not stay with this person. The masculinity issues, the paranoia of being considered homosexual, and the complete submersion into our depressing pop culture (despite the fact we both came from the same outstanding university) quickly disillusioned any dreamy delusion I had of keeping this one around.
I love men, particularly masculine men. But keep me away from the straight or the bi-curious. We end up better friends than friends with benefits.
The only bi guys I’d be attracted to are the ones I can fuck up the arse when they’re fucking their girlfriend.
I’m a bisexual. Right now I am dating a guy, and even though I’ve dated women for years, people (gay and straight)automatically assume I’m just gay and have always been gay. It makes sense that people would assume I’m strictly gay since so many gays are closeted in straight relationships until they get older. But if my relationship would end, I would have no problem dating a woman.
That said, Matt P.’s comments are lucid and brilliant. It’s so tiring to hear how we don’t exist; it’s almost as tiring as bisexuals whining about not being taken seriously. And I’m lucky to be a bi-guy and not a bi-girl because lesbians are not as nice to the bis as gay guys are. The guys I’ve slept with loved that I was bisexual; probably for all the reasons above, but also, I think, because it sort of shows that sex links us deeper than we admit. Human bodies are so much fun.
I am married, love my wife, love sex with her and also love to suck my friend’s dick on occasion. It is what it is. Go figure. I don’t do any of this with any awareness of political statements. It’s much simpler than that. I married my wife because I fell in love with her and after almost twenty years still lust profoundly for her – all soft and curvy and (not to gross out the local populous) the smell of her cunt is mystifyingly delicious. Alternately, when I slide my friend’s hot, hard cock down my throat and get a snoot full of his musky pubes, I could sing with joy if my mouth were not otherwise so usefully engaged. I look at both gay and straight porn and my tastes run toward amateurs who are really into and respectful of each other. Gay for pay is a bummer. Don’t tell ME there is no such thing as bisexual.
I am exactly that guy described in the final paragraph and honored to be called “ally”.
what is the name of the first one
I lived as “bi” through the age of 25. When I was 25 I came out as gay. I love women… think they are beautiful… and greatly enjoyed sex with women. For me, I realized that I am gay. Although I enjoy sex with women… I prefer men. That being said, I completely relate to men who call themselves bisexual. Wanting the relationships that both sexes bring to the table is understandable. Both sexes relate in different ways. This of course is speaking from personal experience. People shouldn’t pass judgement on someone who states they are bisexual anymore than we want to be judged for being gay.
whould you do that to me if i payed you$.
“I can’t quite put my finger on it but it has to do with heterosexual males, the amazing amount of power they have in our society, and not wanting to let them have their cake and eat it too while my sexuality has to be (on occasion) a millstone around my neck.”
I notice there’s a tendency for people of a certain minority group (that is to say, every minority group) to assume that anyone who isn’t like them has the same experience. Women assume that all males hold power; blacks assume that all whites hold power. For affirmative action purposes, our government assumes that white males are privilege, but there are people in religious or sexual orientation minorities who don’t feel this way and so it continues, carving out small spaces for ‘us’ and marginalizing ‘the Other.’
It’s easier to make sense of the world this way. After all, /we’re/ not the ones in power so it has to be someone else. But it isn’t right to say “straight men have all the power.” Yes, the majority of power in power in this country are white heterosexuals males, but the vast majority of white heterosexual males are not in power, or every white heterosexual male you knew would be rich.
As a liberal white male, I’ve had arguments about affirmative action practices with fellow activists, who tell me that, as a white, I’ve benefited from opportunities passed down from my privileged ancestors in the form of accrued wealth. It makes me think that, again, people are used to everyone having the same experiences as they do, because this assumes I’ve received wealth from my parents (I haven’t, since turning 18). I suppose one could argue that I had a privileged upbringing by virtue of my parents being upper-middle class (I never had to worry about how I was going to eat when I was growing up), but I think my disability offset most of that. But identifying myself with an aspect of myself and marginalizing those who fall outside that category doesn’t really fix the problem, it just shifts it away from me. In reality there are plenty of people who don’t fall into any visible minority category who are just as poor or just as bad off as you are.
This answer wasn’t really supposed to be about social class, even though I think it’s a better indicator of privilege than anything else here. After all, while say, being openly gay or a woman might be an obstacle to post-college career success, being poor definitely will, since you may not be able to go to college in the first place. And that cuts across all groups.
ya i agree with litalot… i am a bisexual girl, i just broke up with my bisexual boyfriend today. ya lesbians are definitalty meaner… they say that i bring disease into the lesbian community and that bisexual women dont exist and that i dont have strength or pride. and this has been said to me to my face. sometimes i hide it til they get to know me. bullshit right. and oh that boyfriend i broke up with it, turns out he was a liar and most likely a cheat. and he confused the hell out of me. he claims to want to be with me yet cant leave his ex’s side. hes like dependent on this old gross man, who set us up!!, (i found out a month later hes his X). everyone told me he was a gold digger. but since im a broke student i was like watevs.we fell in love and had all this passion….but he cant leave that guys side. he wont even admit to being bi yet was fucking his X for almost 2 years. ya i was dumb enough to believe him when he told me they stopped fucking. but i felt our love was real……….it had to be real, we went through so much shit from people from just being two bi’s together….and the sex was incredible and intense. oh man! whew! so the rumors and the sketchy behaviour is boring and still wont stop …and his denying hasnt stopped either. he claims and he claims yet he is still partying with his X in our scene back home!! so i ended it. i miss him and i love him still. but i cant be with someone with no pride and no honesty. i am doing the right thing right? i dont understand bi men. HELP!
Ecstatic, I hate to change the topic of this thread but I have to; the idea of “privilege” is not just based on MONEY. When it comes to whiteness, it is the act of having white skin, and the freedom from stereotyping that you receive because of having white skin in America. Racism still exists, unfortunately, and people who are not white still have to answer to those stereotypes.
Look up “White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack” by Peggy McIntosh (any Internet search will reveal it for you) to understand one of the best arguments for what we mean when we say “white privilege” in today’s world. It’s not quite what you think.
I am one of those Bi man, and to be honest I am fully BI, always where too. I fuck girls ans guys love both and attracted to both. I am not gay as I completely love woman ut i love man too. Im one of the actual bi man
DMredlips give me a break. I dated a bisexual woman and fell in love with her. I took care of her and treated her like a fucking princess and what does she do? she cheats on me with a married woman 20 years older (43 years old) than her. so I can go around and say I don’t fucking understand bisexual women some one helppppp cry cry… help. or I could grow up and realize just bc I dated a stupid bitch or in ur case an asshole it doesn’t mean every bi person is the same. I have dated straight women and bisexual women and every single one of them came with their own set of greatness and problems. their sexuality is not part of it. I dont hear girls say I dont understand straight men. oh wait I do but at least they say I dont understand men. maybe u should stick to women. or grow up and realize someone’s sexuality doesn’t make them they make their sexuality. u might be asking why am I so blunt with u? bc Im sick of other bisexuals putting other bisexuals down. most ppl here that are talking shit about bis are closeted bis. we all know in the gay community a lot of gays and lesbians are bi but dont like to admit it or are scared of the opposite gender or blah blah. I have never met a truly gay or a truly straight person who is biophobic or homophobic or heterophobic. its always the confused, jealous self haters. peace.