What’s an out-of-power, out-of-answers, out-of-date party to do?
Coherence hasn’t really been the G.O.P.’s thing for decades, and reality used to be a friend back when the party was composed of level-headed Main Street businessman, rather than snake-handling soothsayers. Now that it’s degenerated into a televangelist take on the Mansion of Madness, there’s a power vacuum left in its “permanent majority” (oy, the Rovian hubris!) wake. The Grand Old Party needs a new face.
You can’t flip this whack shack; you can only superficially paint it up all purdy-like.
Since beauty queens are as anachronistic as all the anti-gay rhetoric the party recycles with eye-rolling monomania, there’s something quaintly apt about a teased-haired, glazed-eyed stiletto doll becoming the Conservative It Girl of-the-moment. In I Shot Andy Warhol, Lily Taylor‘s bellicose, up-against-the-wall-motherfucker Valerie Solanas disdainly opined that beauty queens and drag queens were the two ideal victims of male oppression. And the lady knew her shit.
Both are vestiges of days-gone-bye (as in, bye-bye) that only their acolytes long to return to. Both fixate on a wildly overdone, brazenly cosmetic form of beauty that’s actually about obliterating any real sense of femininity. With precious few exceptions — Kim Novak and Candy Darling, thou art exempt — if you’ve met one one sequin-happy queen with or without her original parts, you’ve met them all. In the end, the only real difference between the ladies and the lady-boys is what’s being tucked into place with duct tape and where.
We all know Miss California Carrie Prejean by now, the latest “victim” (Victimhood: it’s no longer just for the Libs) of democratic iconoclast attacks upon Republican sacred cows.
Sure, Carrie can’t quite hit the delirious high note that was Miss Teen USA’s 2007 Miss South Carolina with her “uh, such as the Iraq” psychogenic fugue, but Miss California came damn close with her fabulously diplomatic, Perez Hilton-provoked precis on the sanctity of “opposite marriage … in my country” the apex of a night featuring so much in the way of non-committal, circle-the-runway-without-a-landing logic that the pageant ought to have commissioned a sash for “Miss Verbal Profundity” on the spot.
Who can blame the Repubs for falling all over themselves to draft her? Why, a No-Cal princess with pageant-sponsored bolt-on tits who looks like a thirty-five-year-old Vivid Girl up for her final contract renewal, attends bible college, and helps the disabled with their personal problems is golden.
Still, Carrie’s gonna have to really step up her game if she wants to rise up the ranks and vie for the ultimate crown forever death-gripped by proto-M.A.W. Anita Bryant — the media gadfly, Orange Juice shill, self-appointed children’s crusader, and gay-baiter extraordinaire who clawed her way to self-destruction. Nobody could do over-the-top like La Bryant. Like Mellificent, this Miss Oklahoma’s ambitious ire had it limits, and the dragon lady fell to earth hard. In the end, she was pied on camera, lost her endorsement gig, was shunned by her former fan base after becoming a gay divorcee, and couldn’t even knock the crowds dead in Branson. So pace yourself, Carrie.
At the moment, the iron is steaming hot, though. Ann Coulter‘s too rawbone to ever come out on top in a hair-pull fight. Liz Hasselbeck‘s tear ducts are bound to reach critical mass in the next four years. Sally “Horror Hag“ Kerns was too frumpy even the blush of youth. Michelle Malkin would kill for the title, but she can never externally manifest the snowy white, blue-eyed Pollyanna she just knows she is on the inside.
Only the G.O.P.’s other “On the scene — a beauty queen!” wink mistress Sarah Palin — whose disastrous interview with Katie Couric was the political babe-in-the-woods equivalent to every “Um, nobody told me there would be thinking” soliloquy delivered at the Miss U.S.A. pageant — can stand in her way, and she’s getting up there.
In the end, Carrie, be comforted that you’re not the only Republican spokesmodel suffering for your cause. The party’s pretty faces have all had to make sacrifices.
Bo Derek actually had to keep her clothes on in order to escort confirmed bachelor Republicans all about town, because everyone knows that blonde arm ornaments make you seem less gay.
We were supposed to go all ga-ga over Illinois Congressman Aaron “Ab Machine, where art thou?” Schock (left) because he’s hairless, gym-sculpted, and felt the need to dispel rumblings that he was neither gay nor a himbo by doing a Details swim trunk-clad photo spread in order to be (wait for it)… taken seriously as a political player. The only hitch is that there are any number of South Beach gay guys who look exactly like him, and they don’t whine about why they can’t find the perfect blonde female complement to spawn with in order to repopulate the Conservative ranks.
And poor Angie Harmon! Not only was she reduced to rasping to Fox News about how being a Republican has held her back in lefty Tinseltown, but imagine if her convictions had derailed every Conservative starlet’s ultimate life goal: marrying a former pro athlete and doing lots of pilates.
So on you will go though your enemies prowl, our girl Carrie. And remember, no one suffers like former nudie actresses turned Republican beards, current G.O.P. Daddy’s Boys moonlighting as swimsuit models, former model/actresses turned trophy wives, and current beauty pageant runners-up destined to be future Deal or No Deal suitcase models.
No one.
© 2009, Shawn Baker. All rights reserved. Nightcharm.com
Another GOP CUNT.
Love it! When is she getting pied too??
You gotta love how the future of the Republican party either A) has fake tits provided free of charge or B) poses like something out of “Guys Gone Wild” with huge tits on his head after voting against the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act. Ah, traditional values.
I hear these two, Megan McCain, and those twats from “The Hills” have already been enrolled in the G.O.P.’s selective breeding program in order to produce more blond young Republicans that will somehow give the same old line a youthful spin.
Fellow Christians, Our rights are being threatened like never before in the history of this nation. A hate crime bill designed to eliminate the free speech of traditional Christians has passed the House and is now in the Senate as S. 909. Anyone who is opposed to homosexual marriage will be considered a hate criminal and will be prosecuted. Please call the Senate or email your senators and protest this grave threat to the first amendment. Our Constitution is threatened like never before.
People of the world…see the danger of Religion…man made strories that cannot be proved…a god that stopped talking to man 2000 years ago…a god that threatens its beings of a burning fire if they dont obide….does that not sound like a human being writing this story…contradictory findings about events in the bible…its just outrageous…i am gay and i was gay since i was born…i know that..i remember the attraction i felt when i was very young towards men…how on eart could i have chosen that feeling? i was borni like that and then in the bible it says god does not accept homosexuality…clearly its not god who wrote this book…because if it was he would not have written that part…hallo !!!! Miss California if your son is gay or daughter lesbian, you will learn fast what it means..regularly it happens to people that are blinded by the pathetic preachings of the bible and other religous books that ends up with a gay child..hopefully you are one of them !
The people who does Miss California’s make up, the designers who designs her clothes, all are gay as well as most of California’s residents are gay not to mention some of the owners behind Miss America…all are gay !! What was she thinking ? I think Perez is right about her ! She is a dumb bitch ! To be Miss America, you need to be representing all people, not only the straight people ! She is really too stupid for this position ! She proved herself !
“In my country” REAL christian women don’t trot around on stages in high heels and a bikini. This womne is not real.
The most striking point is made for the utter impotency and imbecility of “The Lord” in the above youtube clip, from FOX, when she describes the thought process she used, on stage, for answering Perez’s question: “I just had a smile on my face and as soon as I began to talk, I said in my head: God this is where you need to show up, show up right here and that’s where I said — you know what — go for it.” And in one fell swoop she lost the competition and Sarah Palin’s chances to ever run for high office again.
Those earrings!
she would probably love pussy if she got a chance…
“Fellow Christians, Our rights are being threatened like never before in the history of this nation. A hate crime bill designed to eliminate the free speech of traditional Christians has passed the House and is now in the Senate as S. 909.”
Don’t confuse self-generated entitlement with rights, please. Free Speech does not allow you to malign people’s personal lives, fire them for no other reason than their sexual orientation, try to pass off your throw-the-bones flood theory as remotely factual, deny people housing, or generally assume a run-’em-outta-town mentality toward everyone and everything beyond your narrow scope. Those are simply social ills you were able to perpetrate for too long because of a corrupt power structure you engendered. Now that it’s crumbling and we’re making up for lost time, do try not to be so hysterical about it. It’s just so…clingy.
As a gay man trapped in a straight woman’s body, may I say that I am very much enjoying this treasure trove of hot men on your site.
Now, as a thinking person and a good old PFLAG gal, may I say that I was appalled by Miss California’s stupid ass remark. It made me glad to be a bodacious old full bodied curmudgeon with a brain rather than a bleach blonde dingbat that thinks with her fake tits.
She looks like a doxy. So does he!
But the problem is, miss california, you ARE dumb.
Did you hear??? She might be getting her title revoked!!!
(link)
Hrm, interesting.
I, for one, do not agree. With all of you.
I don’t think she is dumb. I can’t say if she is very intelligent, as this conversation here doesn’t really cover much.
Clearly, this is a woman that is ready to defend her beliefs. I have to admire that more than anyone who says whatever the crowd wants to hear just to get ahead. It takes some integrity to stand up for what you believe in, especially when you know the crowd’s against you.
She’s a reasonable woman. She’s not against gay rights, but her upbringing has taught her something that she will not part with. Perhaps it’s not the right thing to be brought up with in our opinion, but that doesn’t change facts.
Somebody is not dumb because they stand for what they believe in. None of you will ever change your opinions about gay marriage, does that make *you* dumb as well?
All I see here is a bunch of pathetic whiners who can’t defend their viewpoints better than by calling people who disagree cunts and dumb people. Really makes me wonder if it isn’t the other way around…
Shame on you!
“All I see here is a bunch of pathetic whiners who can’t defend their viewpoints better than by calling people who disagree cunts and dumb people. Really makes me wonder if it isn’t the other way around…”
Oh Maggie Gallagher, is that you (again) trolling and trying to live vicariously through the girl they’d rather give the camera time to? Not taking you seriously is not the same as “persecution.” If you’d ever really been on the receiving end of your own “benevolent” style of discrimination, you’d get that being publicly lampooned is hardly the same as being the target of legislative second-class citizenship.
When filing a joint federal tax return or getting a family membership at a health club becomes a luxury you can’t count on, then you can cry foul.
Miss Universe Pageant Does Damage Control
This woman is dangerous. She is fast on her way to becomming the next Anita and i see a NOM add in her future. I’ll pass on the witty comebacks. There’s nothing funny about her.
Another domino falls in Maine: (link)
From Governor John Baldacci:
“In the past, I opposed gay marriage while supporting the idea of civil unions. I have come to believe that this is a question of fairness and of equal protection under the law, and that a civil union is not equal to civil marriage. Article I in the Maine Constitution states that ‘no person shall be deprived of life, liberty or property without due process of law, nor be denied the equal protection of the laws, nor be denied the enjoyment of that person’s civil rights or be discriminated against.’ This new law does not force any religion to recognize a marriage that falls outside of its beliefs. It does not require the church to perform any ceremony with which it disagrees. Instead, it reaffirms the separation of Church and State. It guarantees that Maine citizens will be treated equally under Maine’s civil marriage laws, and that is the responsibility of government.”
For record, this is what truly qualifies as introspective, fair-mindeded, reasonable, and exhibiting the capacity to look beyond oneself. All the transparent “God told me to…” and “In my country…” rhetoric seems all the more trite and hackneyed in comparison.