Woke up this morning, what do I see?
Three thousand cameras, pointing at me,
Dude says, You Levi?, I’m like, Yes, that’s me sir,
Well, you’ve knocked up the VP nominee’s daughter
– Levi Johnston’s Blues
With the shock and awe of a reality TV show, the news just keeps exploding regarding America’s would-be second family. Like the Addams clan, the Palin Family just won’t die.
But we’re not complaining. If it’s news about hunky stup pup Levi, well, then we’re all ears — let the gossip fly.
Yep, Levi Johnson, the nineteen-year-old father of Bristol Palin’s out-of-wedlock spawn and failed veep candidate Sarah Palin’s grandchild, has announced publicly that he’s spending concentrated time in the gym to beef up for his planned nude spread in Playgirl, the magazine that ceased publication in 2008, but plans for a strong online comeback soon.
Let us review, briefly, the tour of fame young Levi has been through leading up to this point.
Election year 2008 was a big year for Levi, son of an obscure, drug-addicted working-class mother in Wasilla. Levi was a know-nothing when it came to politics and public image. But fate had other plans. He was dating Bristol Palin, daughter of the recently-elected governor of the state of Alaska, which is about the size (population-wise) of a mid-sized American city.
John McCain’s last-ditch announcement that Levi’s maybe-mother-in-law would be his Vice Presidential candidate threw Levi onto the national stage with the full speed of a 24-hour news cycle.
I can imagine the invasive coaching he received those days: “Well Levi, this week you’re going to meet the Republican presidential nominee. Also Levi, you’re going to St. Paul to appear on stage in front of the whole country at the Republican National Convention. My god! Get a haircut! Your girlfriend’s mom might become vice president, so you might want to fix up your Myspace page because it just became the laughing-stock of the Left and plastered across Daily KOS and The New York Post. And, oh yeah — you probably already knew this but your underage girlfriend is pregnant, and she’s definitely keeping it now. Oh — and you should buy a ring, because you’re getting married.”
That’s a lot for a young guy to handle. Overwhelming to be sure, and one can only muse at how much his head must have spun as political aides and operatives barked commands and recommendations. Suddenly we was dealing with the full force of the Republican party and its centuries-long expertise of political image-making. But Levi apparently took well to the attention. Smartly, he’s made it last.
He appeared on the The Tyra Banks Show and admitted to having unprotected sex. Next he appeared in a nut commercial, and followed that up with the Teen Choice Awards with Kathy Griffin in tow. He publicly feuded with the Palins after breaking off his engagement with Bristol, declaring that certinaly her parents had to know their daughter was having sex. And come on! Who wouldn’t want Levi as their Baby Daddy?
He’s talked about his interest in Hollywood (movies, don’t ya know) and in modeling and on The Early Show he gave a refreshingly un-Republican perspective on premarital relations: “Abstinence is a great idea, but I also think you need to enforce, you know, condoms and birth control and other things like that to have safe sex. I don’t…think telling young kids, ‘you can’t have sex,’ [is] going to work.”
Levi is taking that sexual openness to the next level with his scheduled appearance in Playgirl. Hey, in the age of any-attention-is-good-attention celebrity, we can say that if it worked for Paris Hilton, it can’t hurt Levi to show a little skin. The ironic thing is that in spite of this frankly unconventional sexual adventurism, Levi still seems innocent and sweet contrasted with the weird political adventurism of the Palin family.
At this point there will be absolutely no secrets left. His goods will appear for the world to see, and will surely go viral on the Internet. In fact, we can’t wait to see them, and can only muse on what will appear in print: Will he play it (small c) conservative and keep his junk covered by tight underwear, a piece of cloth or, uhm, leaves? Will he go nude but keep it artsy, or instead stand at full attention in raunchy Alaskan glory, lounging luxuriously atop a slain polar bear in the pristine arctic snow?
We’re rooting for that later scenario.
Opening photograph from Levi Johnston’s Commercial for Wonderful Pistachios (below):
LOVE IT! Thanks for giving my over-worked imagination a break. If the OH-SO-HOT Levi looks this good in his Playgirl shoot, I’m gonna die a happy gay.
Levi seems like a genuine sweetheart. I hope his career launch in Playgirl takes him far. Nowadays nudity is as much a given, for forging a big career, as a college education was twenty years ago. And so much more fun.
The publisher of Playgirl killed the magazine last year (or maybe it was two years ago?), so I’m assuming this will be an online only presentation?
Thanks DC, we made a note of that in the piece after I changed the photo out.
David K.
Wow! Trash posing in trash! He’s truly the Jessica Hahn of our time. If only “Married With Children” were still airing. Then he’d have the ideal one-shot guest spot that would mark the simultaneous debut and adieu to his auspicious acting career.
Why is this always how it goes? These Right Wing bit players tow the party line until they fall out with their handlers, then they go right to the evil Entertainment Industry and cash in thanks to the very “godless” culture they once decried by association?
Couldn’t I just beat off to the high school dropout picking up trash by the highway in an orange jumpsuit? It’s really the same thing — and it’s free!
Gry, I don’t think Levi Johnston counts as an active Right-Winger.
Sure, his politics are conservative as indicated by his Myspace profile and all, but you realize that all he did was date a daughter of a governor and never ran for office himself.
Alaska has a population of under 1 million, so dating the governor is like dating the mayor’s kid if you live in Austin. I believe he started dating Bristol when Sarah Palin was still mayor of Wasilla, which is a tiny town. Just because your girlfriend’s mom goes on to become a major political figure doesn’t make you one.
“Gry, I don’t think Levi Johnston counts as an active Right-Winger.”
As I said, he may be a bit player, but he still stood on the podium with the Xanax-controlled grin — admittedly, there was probably sniper laser sight involved –, he posed for the pictures, he assed-kissed McCain (the Penguin to Momma Palin’s Cat Woman by that time), he went through the motions with a chick he had no real sentiment for, he brandished the big bad gun, and he rhythm-fucked his way through the asinine child bride theater. In short, he played the game until a more profitable one came along and/or Palin’s voice made blood come out of his ears, whichever came first. When he was no longer useful, he went where the new money was.
In life, there’s a wide array of whores, from the ones who’ll please because it’s their natural-born role and they really know nothing else, to the ones who’ll say and do anything for the right price and a chance for a flash-in-the-pan.
I’ll paraphrase Jan-Hooks-as-Jessica-Hahn from SNL in order to sum up ‘Lil Abner here: “I did not choose to be degraded on stage with the Governor and her family! I chose to be degraded in the pages of this magazine!”
Seriously, I’ve passed better-looking guys on the street. And that commerical is just beyond lame.
It will be so difficult to keep myself from emailing the pics to Sarah Palin. But, willpower will win out, and I won’t do it.
I wish good time to .
So who’s gonna publish the first shirtless pics? Or are there any to be fond, besides in Bristol’s private album . . .
Craig, Levi hasn’t done the shoot yet. You can bet that if it really comes to pass, it will be reported all over the place as well as right here on Nightcharm.com