You know, sometimes you gotta switch it up.
Personally, my ladder of jerk-off fodder goes as follows: porn stars at the top rung, followed by TV stars, then movie actors, the douches from Tool Academy battling it out with the date rapists from Hot Chicks With Douche Bags for the fourth tier, then pro wrestlers, pro athletes, and finally politicians at ground level if I’m feeling all father complex-y (“Tell me I’m good…”). You need your bit players to play Greek Chorus or maybe fill in as extras in the gang bang of your mind. It’s just thorough casting.
Nobody’s ever going to accuse the GOP of being especially dollsome. If the last six months of watching wizened geezers riff off bad ’70s sci-fi movie plots in order to disparage universal health care, pudgy ex-junkies endlessly turn on the waterworks, jowly crumedgeons treat a Supreme Court nominee like inept hired help, and eye bags welling up during mea culpa press conferences haven’t left you holding your balls, then you’re a better man than I.
Still, we at Nightcharm do love our Mormon dick-baiters and their Daddy’s Boy broods. They’re like our take on Catholic School Girls: utterly hackneyed, infantilely coy, and prerequisite fixtures in the mix who may not get the heaviest of rotations, but who play well in a pinch.
Enter Arizona Rep. Jeff Flake (top screen-cap) — the name conjures up the sexual equivalent of snack food –a triple-threat Mormon, congressman, and self-branded “hayseed from Snowflake” (aw) who also possesses the three compulsory attributes we need in our wafer-thin sugar cookie sex objects: a stunned-ox cast to his face (sort of Dudley Do-Right by way of sexy hatchet-face Tony Ward), optic nerve-fusing capped teeth, and a bod wasted on a cardboard cut-out spouse.
Sure, Jeff’s got all the depth of a bottlecap, but we’re the ones doing the heavy lifting here, and his bid to be taken seriously involving the release of photos of him on a macho Boys-Own retreat approximating Robinson Crusoe is leaving beltway types all engorged. Gulliver’s Travels is too damn Lefty, while Tarzan & The Mermaids or Trader Horn are so Hollywood.
His assertion that “I’m a little embarrassed. To tell the truth, I didn’t even think of that—I forgot those [pictures] were even in there,†makes it, I guess, the Republican answer to a D-list celebrity sex tape, and his Mr. Congeniality mien toward the other Conservative heart throb Aaron Schock means there will be tiara-clawing, like Bianca Jagger versus Barbera Carrera in a hair-tug fight for novelty token sex symbolhood.
All we need is for Meghan “Um, I wasn’t born yet, so I dunno…” McCain to play with her hair and flash her rack at one or other, and this bitch is settled. In the meantime, I can’t commit, so Aaron’s gonna have to settle with just getting the tip, while Jeff gets a nice pat on the head after I’m done peck-fucking him.
I save my best for the top rung.
© 2009, Shawn Baker. All rights reserved. Nightcharm.com
There’s nothing more annoying than fake modesty. You know that the second before the photo was snapped he paused the photographer; “hang on–let me do a couple push-ups and then flex a little” and smoothed out his hair. Don’t pull this coy-ass “oh, do some people find me attractive? Heh heh who knew.”
There’s nothing wrong with a bit of ego – and anyone who deems him/herself fit for public office has it – but come on man, don’t try to turn around and pretend you don’t have one. If there wasn’t a kind of “rugged, dashingly handsome naturalist” image you desperately hoped to convey, you wouldn’t have seen to it that there were photos of your journeys in solitude for public release.
The GOP isn’t known for authenticity or honesty, but COME ON MAN. So transparent.
Exactly. And who’s holding the camera? Friday? Cheeta? Chris Atkins?
I see a bathroom stall in his future.
He looks kind of like Same the Eagle from The Muppets. Great tits, though.