Hi, I’m Baby Billy.
Life doesn’t begin at conception, people — it starts the moment you realize the kind of dicktardery you’ve dropped out into. Look at my face. This is my first of what I’m sure will be many what-the-fuck? expressions. The Japanese call it Nensha, the psychological etching of an image into the material world. This look — like this family photo of me with my Mommy and Daddy appropriately found at Awkward Family Photos — has set the tone and will follow me forever, or at least the next eighteen years.
Don’t get me wrong — I love Mommy, but she only just got her braces removed last month, and she hasn’t passed Algebra/Trig yet. By the time I start to talk, we’ll be fighting over the Wii like we’re siblings. She’ll call me a broken condom kid, and I’ll say she’s a bitch.
And Dad. What am I supposed to do with this douche? With all the body bronzer and that Chelsea Boy haircut, he looks like he just strayed in from Kristien Bjorn porn set. I should be the star of this family photo, but no, Dad had to body wax, rouge his nips, and then make them all tweaky with ice — from the sodie in my sippy cup! That dick!
How can I help looking pale and pudgy after he spent ten minutes doing push-ups before this photo op and wore his new 2(x)ist briefs with the waist band casually hiked up over the waist of his Abercrombie jeans?
Oy, how long ’til nap time? I gots the sads now.
© 2009, Shawn Baker. All rights reserved. Nightcharm.com
Poor Billy — I see years and $$$ of therapy ahead. (But on a lighter note: Bwahahahahahahaha!)
Yeah, yeah . . . say what you like about Daddy’s get-up. But honest injun:if he walked into your (or my) bedroom and started peeling off those jeans, would you put yours on? or throw the blanket back and welcome him . . .
My favorite image on the site was this one: (link)
I’d ask, “One of these boys will grow up to be gay… but which?“
The poor kid just looks thrilled. That face says “I hope Daddy’s fake tanner doesn’t leave zebra streaks on my wittle arm.”
there was a debate in the comments section on that site whether or not this was the couple’s child, or whether they are all siblings… I kinda hope they’re siblings cuz otherwise I’m dying to know what he saw in her!