My Guidodom obsession is well-chronicled and sprawlingly elaborate. Yet still I go unfulfilled.
Though MTV has yet again mined the depths of human materialistic depravity in its latest semi-verite house of horrors entry Jersey Shore — featuring a roster of roided-out, leather-skinned dry humps who gave me instant roddage — why in Hell didn’t the network opt to have them co-habitate with Manhattan sophisticates in order to achieve maximum culture clash? This is one slice of shameless exploitation I would actually want to be part of. Only then can my fantasy of being adopted into this self-worshiping tribe as a symbolically conspicuous outsider a la Sheena at last come to fruition.
The plot lines are endless. First, I’m curiously pawed at for my far-flung customs called “modesty,” “eloquence,” and “poise”, which are totally unknown to them. While the males slowly come to acclimate themselves to my ability to completely pronounce the continuous present tense of verbs, the females will show me how to best accessorize Forever 21 or Juicy Couture, and when to beat a bitch who gets mouthy.
Finally, after much mutual learning, the group’s alpha male develops a worlds-apart love for me, which triggers a power vacuum and results in he and his challengers throwing down at a club called — I’ll go with — Pandorium. He emerges victorious, and together we fist pump (it’s their form of interpretive dance) in celebration as we become the progenitors of a new people. Toss in some vaguely emotive Top 40 songs, some pre-scripted confessional transitions, and somebody getting bitten, and I just wrote the entire first season.
A dream deferred is a dream denied.
Oh my fucking christ…MTV is systematically destroying what few brain cells are shared and passed around between the atrophying hipster generation. This show will be the tipping point. (Shawn, I secretly share your fandom though, who wouldn’t want to fist bump with those lugheads.)
Mintz, HIPSTERS DON’T WATCH MTV!
The essence of hipsters is to be universally contrarian. That’s why hipsters deny and get insulted when you point out that they’re hipsters. Anything “mainstream” is bad, and includes MTV.
Actually, nobody over the age of 20 watches MTV anymore. It totally moved into the realm of tweens and teenagers.
Women can be guidos?
I thought it was the Italian counterpart of “Chad,” which is for cocky WASPy guys
@Matt: I believe that the female version of a “Guido” is a “Guidette” but then again I could be wrong considering most of my world is pretty WASPish.
@the Author: I can understand the attraction, sort of, but as any urbanite knows, it’s one thing to lust after it; but it’s another to have to experience it day after unalterable day unless the relations are amazing and one can still return to ones’ own habitat post haste.
Take heart though, no one with any sophistication watches MTV all that much any more outside of a few programmes. The station(s) have moved to a seriously young demographic, think Disney Channel w/ a dull edge, and the music isn’t played as often as it once was in favour of “reality” programming. Pity that.
From the Urban Dictionary:
Guida:
A female guido. Their appearance is the best indicator of a guida. She will be a girl who wears flashy, tight, clothes that may be designer, but often these clothes can be purchased at a Wet Seal or Forever 21. Often these girls prefer the “scrunched” look for their hair where by it looks wet and wavy but actually it is dry and hard. They do wear flashy jewelery as well, often a pair of fake diamond earrings, a cross, and sometimes, sunglasses that obnoixously displays the designers name on the sides with small crystals. These girls may consider themselves fashionable and well kept. The prefer the term “Italian Princess” or sometimes “Mafia Princess” rather than guida or “jersey shore girl.” These girls are high matinenence, loud, with a particularly low IQ, which is why they put the most efforts on their looks. Generally, these girls are attracted to guidos and men who have money to spend on D&G sunglasses and Juicy Couture clothing.
Canadian tuxedo, bebe Crystal labeled shirt, Dior Bedazzled sunglasses, heels and crunchy hair = guida.