Poof! You’re suddenly gayer…

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The Gay Panic of Desert Pimps

by Rob Wolfsham


Howdy, welcome to the Shady Lady Ranch, a place where young women with zero self esteem and nowhere to go in life can come have greasy truck drivers and meth-smoking Vegas drifters defile their bodies for a little green.

With new, ground-breaking, state approval for male sex workers, Shady Lady Ranch could soon become Shady Lady and Cock Ranch once they hire a few hung men who know how to treat a hole. Despite all that occurs under their roof as a professional enterprise of fucking, owners Jim and Bobbi Davis are squeamish at the prospect of homoseckchuality occurring within the walls of their smut ranch.

The Los Angeles Times reported that before Nye County approved the addition of studs to Shady Lady Ranch, Bobbi Davis bemoaned: “It seems the biggest hoopla is a great fear in some people’s minds that some kind of homosexual activity might go on …It’s not my intent to encourage or promote or to turn my business into a ‘gay property.’”

Oh dear lord, not a gay property! Quick hide the children under the bed … next to the anal beads and dildos. It’s silly piety to fear gayness in a brothel, because it already happens. Every time a girl-girl-guy “couple party” occurs at Shady Lady Ranch or any Nevada bordello, they’re officially a gay property. We can argue about the meaning of “gay” or lesbian exemption from gay panic all day, but I know whorehouses don’t care about being called misogynistic for objectifying women, so they won’t care about being called homophobic for denying credit-approved guy on guy sex.

Charmingly, the Shady Lady Ranch website opens with, “Nowhere has [prostitution] been more a part of the lore of the land than here in the Great Southwest. The bawdy dance hall girls and Legal Brothels have long been an integral part of the west being settled so easily and efficiently.” That’s the big surprise in this controversy: Brothels are sentimental things, sentimental for a time when there was no argument that women were objects and gays only wordless phantoms. The Shady Lady Ranch sees its industry’s history as “integral” to the expansion of our nation. Gays are just dysentery threatening the wagon troop pioneering our whorehouse manifest destiny.

Back in December, Davis bet Joy Behar she wouldn’t see any gay clients (or trannies), which is either optimistically homophobic or right on the money. Maybe only pent up soccer moms and decade-challenged women will show up to buy cock. The men are all on Craigslist, Adam4Adam, and geocaching ass on Grindr with their iPhones.

If we want to talk about pioneers of sex, hand it to the gays. They’re way ahead of Nevada. Shady Lady Ranch charges $200 for forty minutes with a girl. Shit, my friend Keith fucked three guys in a bathhouse in forty minutes. The Moonlite Bunny ranch charges $500 for you to watch a girl finger herself. Find a gay guy who can read that and not laugh or smirk with the knowingness of “oh straight guys.” Brothels are amusing nineteenth century relics to gays, like “speakeasy” to an alcoholic. I’m not saying all gay guys are nymphos trolling the internets. I’m just talking about the ones who would pay at a brothel if it were available to them.

So should gay guys even be offended they’re marginalized in the brothel industry when we’ve already marginalized them with every new technology, from listservs to email, IRC chat rooms to profile sites, and now GPS. And all these Nevada ranches can’t be ignorant to the fact that horny straight teens are catching on to what gays have been doing. We might be upon a straight generation that kills the sentimental charm of the whorehouse. And they’re doing it one iPhone self-pic at a time.

Soon those Nevada brothels could be sideshow museums with internet kiosks glowing under banners titled “Then and Now.” And on all the little screens will be hookup sites with pictures of your friends, coworkers, and lovers, looking to fuck someone new for the price a brothel could never compete with: Free.

©2010 Nightcharm

Rob Wolfsham hails from the glorious suburbs of Lubbock. Get to know Rob (and Lubbock) better by reading his blog Lubbock Blows Sometimes. And then order up a copy of his Cleis Press debut: Boy Crazy: Coming Out Erotica. Or his latest appearance in, I Like It Like That: True Stories of Gay Male Desire.

  • Mat-‘o

    I have to think male prostitutes would bring in more money in Nevada than females. It gives heterosexually-married guys who are in to guys an outlet if they don’t know where the hell to find it otherwise.

    And they could be discreet, as in, you walk in, and the only one who knows if you’re getting with a man or a woman is the person you’re banging and the one who shows you to the room.

    In other news, the scars on that dude’s shoulder look like he used to cut himself.

  • craig

    Thanks for pointing out this phenomenon.
    An interesting book about brothels where girls AND boys were available is “The Man Who Fell in Love with the Moon”. Sorry I forgot the name of the author. It’s a scream! And has a certain depth to it too.

  • http://www.wolfshammy.com Rob W.

    Oh my god, look everyone, it’s the first hire, Markus: (link)

    I guess their research told them that short man syndrome sells.

  • Julia

    Wow. Assuming sex workers must all be sad aimless drifters with low self-esteem is rather unenlightened, don’t you think? I’m not saying there aren’t any like that, but there certainly are sex workers out there who do sex work because they want to do it and enjoy what they do. Open your mind to something besides a stereotype, dearest.

  • http://doobie235.tumblr.com Steven

    The Shady Lady Ranch is Looking for a few good men.
    Between 21 and 40.
    Have a Good Work Ethic.
    Must be Service Oriented.
    Have a Willingness to Please.
    Have a Positive Attitude.

    Excluding the first requirement, this is pretty much a world-wide standard… So, why does it sound so much funnier when a brothel posts it?

    And, did anyone else notice “Rio?” Jesus, fucking retire already.

  • jack

    can you please give me chance,pleaseeeeeeee…