When Gay Porn Plots Don’t Translate: A Model’s Citizen’s Epic Fail

“I am a very famous model. If you stop, I’ll suck your dick and balls… if you let me go.”

Nick Snider, christened by Forbes as the fifth most successful model of 2008, to his arresting officers, jailer, anybody who could cut him loose for disturbing the peace. His generous offer only compounded his plight and added misdemeanor sexual bribery to the litany.

Had this been any by-the-numbers porn feature, an about-to-get-cuffed delinquent model offering up one or all of his holes to save his precious ass from jail would have found events playing out differently. Gym-built patrolmen in seam-stretching uniforms would slowly start massaging their groins, glance at each other, and say something along the lines of “Are you sure you can handle us all, pretty boy?,” to which he’d reply with come-hither eyes, “Yeah, I think I’d like to give it a try, man.” A nightstick would get sucked, and said model would be four to five minutes into cramming two dicks into his mouth when the jailer enters from stage left. Shocked and appalled, he utters “What the fuck is going on here?! This is a clear-cut case of police misconduct!,” before dropping his fly and growling “Move over! I want some of this action too, you greedy pricks!”

Cut to six or seven minutes later after a graceful transition, and the aforementioned model is doorknob-shining one officer while taking it from behind as the other patrolman and jailer alternate banging his haunches. Cut to a climatic face bukkake, and scene: model hikes up his pants, receives a stern admonition to “keep his tight little ass on the straight and narrow, you little bitch” slinks off with a smirk, and leaves his three defilers to high-five, zip-up, and peer at one another to imply “Nobody saw nuthin’.”

But we live in the real world, wherein being a slutty male model does not mean you’re made of Teflon, policemen have ethical boundaries, all men are not up for a raucous “Awww, yeeeaaaah!” gang-bang, and your mug shot finds you having almost tragically donned a douchey “Hey babe, when we chillaxin?” T-shirt that practically dares the cosmos to offer you a fitting comeuppance for your folly.

Sigh…