This Put A Tiny Hole In The Ozone Layer

Twilight Star Reveals He Hates Women’s Private Parts.

So reads the headline over at MTV Australia. Ace reporter Sophie Barnett fills us in with the following facts and opening bombshell: Robert Pattinson has hinted he may be gay. Or a straight zoophile. Frankly, we’re not sure

The Twilight actor — this decade’s answer to C Thomas Howell or Christopher Atkins — who’s been linked to his anemic, “I’m, like, so bored with fame and money…” co-star Kristen Stewart, has sparked rumors about his sexuality after he likened lady parts to shellfish or peanuts following a typically tawdry photo shoot for Details magazine. Class…

We’ll let Bedhead explain it himself:

“I really hate vaginas. I’m allergic to vagina. But I can’t say I had no idea, because it was a 12-hour shoot, so you kind of get the picture that these women are going to stay naked after, like, five or six hours. But I wasn’t exactly prepared. I had no idea what to say to these girls. Thank God I was hungover.”

So maybe’s he’s just into ass? Or strictly oral? Frottage? It only gets weirder. Figuring alienating legions of female fans and making himself look like he’s been huffing paint thinner just wasn’t quite enough of a self-lit immolation, Sparkly continued to elaborate. You see, the girly crevice may be a turn-off, but trunks — that shit is fucking hot.

The fame clock just skipped several ticks with this TMI statement:

“Did you know elephants purr? It’s completely scary if you don’t know what it is. They purr like cats, but their heads are so deep they sound like velociraptors. You feel it in the ground under your feet. So this big female started sniffing my foot — big female elephant, that is. She sniffed it so hard it came up off the pavement like her trunk was a vacuum cleaner. Then she took my entire body in her mouth. I was holding on to her head, and as I slowly let go she tightened her grip really carefully until I’m just upside down in her mouth and she’s going through my pockets with her trunk, looking for peppermints. It was the best day of my life.”

How very Bodil Joensen!

In the wake of John Mayer‘s recent barely-recovered-from Playboy douche tsunami, we at Nightcharm are left bemused, numbly uttering, “Yup, these dipwads are teen idols.” There’s putting your foot in your mouth, and then there’s deep-throating your own leg up to the knee. Do these glazed-eyed studlets even have publicists? Is there no one who can pre-screen interview questions and provide them with scripted responses? Can they be rehabilitated of their tendencies to overshare, and do they also need help dressing and feeding themselves?

The fuck if we know, but when asked if he was in a relationship with anyone special, R-Patz candidly replied, “The only emotional connection of relevance is with my dog. My relationship is with my dog.”

The shared cry of millions of sex-phobic teenage girls and their emotionally damaged moms:

“Lucky bitch!”