Twilight Star Reveals He Hates Women’s Private Parts.
So reads the headline over at MTV Australia. Ace reporter Sophie Barnett fills us in with the following facts and opening bombshell: Robert Pattinson has hinted he may be gay. Or a straight zoophile. Frankly, we’re not sure
The Twilight actor — this decade’s answer to C Thomas Howell or Christopher Atkins — who’s been linked to his anemic, “I’m, like, so bored with fame and money…” co-star Kristen Stewart, has sparked rumors about his sexuality after he likened lady parts to shellfish or peanuts following a typically tawdry photo shoot for Details magazine. Class…
We’ll let Bedhead explain it himself:
“I really hate vaginas. I’m allergic to vagina. But I can’t say I had no idea, because it was a 12-hour shoot, so you kind of get the picture that these women are going to stay naked after, like, five or six hours. But I wasn’t exactly prepared. I had no idea what to say to these girls. Thank God I was hungover.”
So maybe’s he’s just into ass? Or strictly oral? Frottage? It only gets weirder. Figuring alienating legions of female fans and making himself look like he’s been huffing paint thinner just wasn’t quite enough of a self-lit immolation, Sparkly continued to elaborate. You see, the girly crevice may be a turn-off, but trunks — that shit is fucking hot.
The fame clock just skipped several ticks with this TMI statement:
“Did you know elephants purr? It’s completely scary if you don’t know what it is. They purr like cats, but their heads are so deep they sound like velociraptors. You feel it in the ground under your feet. So this big female started sniffing my foot — big female elephant, that is. She sniffed it so hard it came up off the pavement like her trunk was a vacuum cleaner. Then she took my entire body in her mouth. I was holding on to her head, and as I slowly let go she tightened her grip really carefully until I’m just upside down in her mouth and she’s going through my pockets with her trunk, looking for peppermints. It was the best day of my life.”
How very Bodil Joensen!
In the wake of John Mayer‘s recent barely-recovered-from Playboy douche tsunami, we at Nightcharm are left bemused, numbly uttering, “Yup, these dipwads are teen idols.” There’s putting your foot in your mouth, and then there’s deep-throating your own leg up to the knee. Do these glazed-eyed studlets even have publicists? Is there no one who can pre-screen interview questions and provide them with scripted responses? Can they be rehabilitated of their tendencies to overshare, and do they also need help dressing and feeding themselves?
The fuck if we know, but when asked if he was in a relationship with anyone special, R-Patz candidly replied, “The only emotional connection of relevance is with my dog. My relationship is with my dog.â€
The shared cry of millions of sex-phobic teenage girls and their emotionally damaged moms:
“Lucky bitch!”
© 2010, An Unpaid Intern. All rights reserved. Nightcharm.com
Taking John Mayer and this comment together, the only thing I can say is that these guys, along with much of celebrity culture, seem to be stuck in high school – which is perhaps how they manage to be so popular with high-school aged fans. That’s the age when immature levels of insight and empathy combine with an intense need to work your identity out. It’s a recipe for stepping-in-it on a regular basis.
The result? John Mayer makes a string of comments he doesn’t even realize are racist, sexist and homophobic, ironically somehow expecting to endear himself to queer people, women and people of color with them. Robert Pattinson begins his public coming-out process by saying he hates vaginas, unwittingly playing into centuries of historic misogyny that he could have known better to avoid in the first week of feminism 101.
In a skatepark or freshman’s dorm, these comments would seem totally edgy, progressive, hilarious and cool, but the rest of us are looking at them now going eh?
Brilliant analysis Matt. I’d agree, and also add that did anyone ever really think Pattinson WASN’T queer? Why all the shock?
Well, per your list of possibilities I hope it’s that he’s “just into ass.”
And then maybe we should connect up with that New Hampshire (crazy bitch) rep that won’t do anal. Yes?
I’ve always considered him quite ugly, and now he’s a total mental case as well. I wouldn’t be shocked if he “checks into rehab” after all that, because he certainly sounds like he’s on drugs.
This just sickens me. That’s all I can say. ILL ILL ILL. WHY? People that have it all, give so little back, and when they do, they have to trash pussy. SICK.
I can’t blame him… Yeah, don’t trash pussy… but you right eek…
Hmmm…perhaps he wasn’t breast fed as an infant.
Unbelievable douche. He looks like Kristin Scott Thomas on male hormones, and sounds like the director must have to shout his lines at him from off-camera.
PUHLLLLEEEEZE guys: there’s no way in the world someone would consider Pattinson unattractive. The hair is definitely Phyllis Diller-inspired, but the guy is fucking cute; so lay off the looks-knocks peeps. That said, his doucheism is a fact. He must be wanting to destroy his teen-bop fanbase, it’s the only way to explain such idiotic statements. And for that I’ve sorta gotta give him props.
Marshal, I consider him rather unattractive and I was very, very disappointed when they cast him to be Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
Have we considered that his comments come after the aforementioned 12 hour photo shoot with naked women? Perhaps he was being sarcastic? I think lots of people would get tired of vagina in their face all day.
You know, if Mr. P was that tired of vaginas, he should’ve put the speculum aside. What (I hope) he was jaded by was the site of thousands and thousands of vulvas (unless he was promoting his new movie, “Dr. Bedhead, Gynocologist”…).
Matt P.’s (not Pattinson) comments about college dorm/skatepark humor was on the money.
“There’s putting your foot in your mouth, and then there’s deep-throating your own leg up to the knee.”
This line had me laughing out loud. I wish I’d written it.
Agree! Shawn is one of the funniest writer’s online today!
PS
I’m assuming this Shawn doubling as the infamous ‘unpaid intern’.
I really just don’t understand all the hate. He made a joke about how he hates vaginas. He didn’t say he hates women. He’s simply a young person acting like a young person. There are hundreds of thousands of real issues to feel outrage about.
This is not one of them.
The line about hating vaginas is not that at all! It’s an old joke, very popular in England, which goes, “I’m allergic to vaginas, I swell up when I’m around them.”