Operation Jumbo Drop: An Olympian Fuckfest — Fact Or Fiction?

It’s a state of emergency up in Vancouver — and everybody’s going down!

The CBC broke a story this week about the Canadian Government scrambling to respond to the Great Vancouver Olympics Condom Shortage by shipping an auxiliary supply to the masses of sex-mad Olympians who’ve descended on the city, and tongues everywhere began wagging about the epic Sex-In that must be taking place up north. The 100,000 rubbers already distributed to roughly 7,000 athletes apparently proved insufficient in keeping dicks secure.

With the headline sounding like a gimmicky porn plot come to life, the mental imagery it conjures up is on everyone’s mind, whether they’ve been tuning in or not: a collective groan of ecstasy can be heard for miles as all those lithe, sinewy, flexible bodies undulate and contort in every sexual position imaginable, from reverse cowgirl and the rusty bike bump, to the pile driver and the rabid kookabura. Are there Ciao! Manhattan-style pool orgies going on? Snowboarder daisy chains with slangy moans of “Duuuuude! Fuck my ass like a Botwoker!” ? Triple and quadruple deckers in the ice rinks? Is it just like the Kama Sutra, only with endorsements?

It sounds fucking amazing, but because I’m not a joiner and my inner cynic has a hair-trigger bullshit detector, I’m calling shenanigans. And I’m not the only one.

It all seems so The Other Side of Aspen, and since porn plots never adapt well to reality (I’ve learned the hard way), that initially gave me pause. Can’t anyone there just buy a box from a drug store? While the condom shortage angle sounds novel enough, it’s happened before. The rumor mill line of wild sexual Ice Capades taking place in a host city seems also to be recycled every time the Olympics come around, tending to be linked especially with the Winter Games more so than the Summer ones, which I find odd. I’m sure some sex takes place, but this image of a spontaneous spate of fireside fourways that you’d encounter in Hungarian gay porn flicks may be more than just wish fulfillment or a slow news day headline.

The Olympic Sex Happening might just be a Neo-Urban Legend.

MSNBC’s Mike Celizic level-headedly penned last week that the Olympic Committee’s policy of condom distribution was really just a sensible preventative measure, one not necessarily indicative of a response to a big upswing in sexual activity so much as it a pragmatic anticipation of it. Those are two different animals. The fact that AIDS prevention is a sensible PR move and a fertile charitable venture should also be taken into account before you lose yourself in visions of nude snowboarding and hot tub gang bangs:

Laugh if you will, but also give the International Olympic Committee credit for acting like a responsible parent: In addition to handing out condoms, they run HIV and AIDS information campaigns in the Olympic Village. And the U.S. Curling Association has gone a step further: In partnership with Kodiak Technology Group, they have introduced the Hurry Hard condom, named for a phrase curlers chant to get their teammates to sweep the ice faster. Proceeds from the prophylactics ” which sport a happy cartoon curling stone on their label above the slogan “Be smart, stay safe” ” are split between USA Curling and Monterey County AIDS prevention.

But few athletes reach for the condom supply while their events are going on. They’ve spent four years since the previous Olympics working, training and preparing for one shot at glory, and they’re not going to throw countless hours of hard work and sacrifice away for anything ” even Norwegian cross-country champions and Chinese speedskaters.

The fact is, people with poor impulse control don’t make it to the Olympic Village.

And let’s consider other factors at work: the stress of being far from home, the pressure of having to perform daring athletic feats on camera, the worry about garnering endorsements on top of nabbing medals — these are all potential libido-curbers. Big Brother is also watching. Tiger Woods‘s public flare-out shows the extent to which sexual indiscretions can threaten to derail even an established athletic career, and Michael Phelps‘s douchey post-Games antics did not go unnoticed. Are the scores of sex workers who inundate host cities there for just the athletes, or for the hordes of tourists and locals? Is all of this really that different from any other spectacle/convention/event that draws crowds and money?

Competitors have coaches, trainers, parents, and spouses in tow to keep them on task, and with potential sponsors eyes on them, most are not likely to take any big risks that could come back to bite them. Bronze medal-winning snowboarder Scotty Lago was tactfully asked by the Committee last week to hit the bricks after he posted comparatively tame photos of a chick biting on his bronze online. “Conduct” is the watchword, and boozed-out orgies and other assorted bouts of sluttony are hard enough to keep under wraps on your home turf, much less an event being covered on an international scale.

Yeah, that tableau in your mind of granite-thighed ski bums rutting away in a grunting fuck chain as the blow through their entire supply of fourteen Trojans in one night has a punch, but another more mundane motivation could be accounting for the run on rubbers.

The Olympic Committee began distributing complimentary condoms back during the 1992 Barcelona Games, and since then, shortages have become not uncommon, occurring in Sydney in 2000 and then again in Beijing in 2008. These are not generic retail brands being passed out — they’re custom made for the Games, are wrapped in commemorative sheaths, and even have event-themed branding. These are free specifically for competitors, who effectively become ideal advertising magnets by accepting them, and this isn’t counting all the other forms of swag they receive upon arrival.

The Chinese prophylactic corporation Elasun scored a huge win with its tie-in condoms in 2008 thanks to a successful viral campaign, and it wasn’t even an official sponsor of the Games. Producers are throwing condoms at Vancouver intentionally and enthusiastically by doing what advertisers do best: creating a perceived massive need where there probably is just a modicum of demand. A good portion will end up as gag gifts or souvenirs that get passed around to friends back home or end up in drawers. Thousands of Elasun’s stick figure-themed battle helmets were ultimately auctioned off as Olympic memorabilia after the fact, so expect the same this year as the Vancouver Games wind down.

As debunkings go, this is one time where pulling a Scully leaves me feeling hollow inside.