It’s about more than just dicks and ass.

The misconception is that women are auditory sexual beings, while men are strictly visual. You can apparently throw any sexual scenario up in front of us, and regardless of concept or presentation, as long as there’s something to feast the eyes on, it’s enough for us. Ours is not an aural, tactile, or evocative libido; it’s strictly visceral, merely hit-it-and-forget-it.

Nothing is more tedious to me in porn than two guys going at it with zero set-up while all their nasty play-by-play is completely drowned out by a generic canned porno score. I need to hear the give-and-take trash talk, and even more implicitly, I need to experience the sounds of sex: the gritting of teeth, the straining of the voice, the pounding of pelvis against ass, and the slapping of balls against balls.

Upon first encountering the Hungarian gay porn genre, the visual differences between it and our own domestic product were marked enough to make them novel: a warm, gauzy ambience, often set outdoors; inexhaustible casts of short, gymnast-bodied man-boys playing lusty gypsies, randy soldiers, and Daisy Duke-wearing mountain jocks; plenty of awkward sexual transitions wherein clothes magically vanish; and an array of fluid, yoga-like sexual positions that I imagine could result in some serious dick sprains if miscalculated.

What inexplicably did it for me, though, was the insane, Rosetta Stone-gone-wrong subtitling. As if the dialogue set pieces — replete with super-arch exchanges that wouldn’t be out of place in a ’60s Sword and Sandal epic — weren’t enough, the sundry ass-banging commands the men dole out to each other had me immediately reaching for a pen. I’ve since amassed my faves (all integrated into my own personal repertoire), and now present them to you from Hungary, with love. Please to enjoy with interest!:

“Good to be fucking with you!”

It was not so much the look of the these movies as it was the sound that truly won me over. There is no expected “Yeah! Uh-huh!” or “Oooooh! Aaaaah!” auditory filler; instead, the men make a perpetual, curious “Oooooo-waaaa! “Oooooo-waaaa!” mewl, and then it will all be punctuated with an incredibly mistranslated line like this. Syntax is forever off-kilter, with gerunds often having “to be…” preceding them, while a linking verb like “is” doesn’t appear at all.

Your first instinct is to laugh — the notion of subtitled porn is in and of itself beyond loony — but when you start to see it enough in white letters under two guys mounting up, and you connect the unintelligible Hungarian language with what you’re seeing on screen, it becomes bizarrely hot. This is what I fantasize it must be like to have at with a babe-like foreign exchange student you’re tutoring, or to get it on with a broken English-reliant big city cabby or food deliveryman.

“I’m making your mouth sucked!”

This one illustrates another felicitous language barrier that actually succeeds in being dick-stiffening totally by accident. If you watch enough of these movies, you’ll notice that not just primary and secondary sex organs, but orifices and sex acts themselves become topsy-turvy. What should be passive becomes active, as if the inserter and the insertee are vying for linguistic supremacy.

A gorging mouth that’s doing all the work is “sucked” (?), but then during a furious dick-straddling you’ll hear “You are fucking my dick like an animal!,” which makes the thrusting cock the object of a willing ass’s momentum. If you’re something of a canny table-turner like I am — and you find the penile/vaginal dynamic that usually turns up in gay porn to be too one-note — then the unintentional inverting of an inert “Suck that cock!” and “Fuck that ass!” is a welcome bonus.

“Down with your ass! Down with your ass!”

I love this one because it’s so ham-fisted and surly; it sounds like something Madame DeFarge could bellow as she leads the French proletariat in an uprising. It’s just the sort of inspired sexual improv I want to hear during a raucous bout in the hay. I require a verbal A game, and that entails: steady narration, lots of accents, a Greek chorus, some product placement (I once had a guy liken his dick to Red Bull), proprietary Daddy trash talk, copious direction (I’m a giver), climactic scenery-chewing, and bringing the curtain down with a final ass slap.

When properly provoked, I will become China Blue from Crimes of Passion, so there’s no such thing as too much verbal reinforcement for me. Just the thought of being worked over in the sexual equivalent of basic training meets a spinning class sends me into orbit. Deep down we all want to be coerced, controlled, and owned, so a barked command like this by way of a Tea Bagger effigy is the ne plus ultra of willing violation. “Down with your Ass!,” and “Up with People!” indeed.

“Fuck off his ass!”

Don’t just fuck it — fuck off it. When I first heard this in action — it appeared twice in one of those leather entries where the guys always look like they’re playing dress-up — I nearly fell out of my seat. Since then it’s forever emblazoned into my personal sexual lexicon: “I’d like to fuck off that ass…,” I’ve thought numerous times since, and because it sounds insulting and derogatory, it’s even better. Some of the best lines in these movies are directed at the prettier, more innocent-looking guys who have to service the bigger, stockier ones, and as tongue-wagging gay chauvinism goes, I’m surprisingly OK with that.

“Enjoy the way of my dick!”

There’s the Way of the Gun. The Way of All Flesh. They Way of the Warrior. Then there’s the Way of the Dick. And it’s ways are mystic. If you don’t use this line while you’re piledriving your special someone’s ass, then you’re a pussy. This is in my Dirty Talk Top 5, and I always know the exact moment to use it. It has everything you need: just the right amount of cheesy arrogance, yet it sounds vaguely enigmatic, lyrical even. It’s all about the right inspiration meeting the perfect execution.

So speak from the dick, and the mouth will follow.

© 2010, Shawn Baker. All rights reserved. Nightcharm.com