Back when I penned a paean to my knee, um, jerk yen for Guidos, I both anticipated and begged for a Guido-related porn subgenre to emerge. West Hollywood and Eastern Europe have been mined to death, and I’m not so smitten with the umpteenth guy named Tad or Skylar, so when the Jersey Shore straight porno parody hit, I knew a gay-themed entry full of spray tans, sports bands, Ed Hardy wear, gold chains, and blowouts had to be imminent. I mean, what better way to spend my hard-earned porn screed cash than delighting to the sights of hairless man-children tenderizing each other’s steroid asses while adding a superfluous z-sound to “you” or “they”?

Now it is upon us.

Jet Set is at-the-ready to release its superbly-titled Jersey Score, and just based on the promotional pics alone, I’m already feeling the Rohypnol kicking in. Not only is the casting fucking spot on, with actors named Dean Coxx and Derrick Vinyard (!) playing the likes of “The Solution” and “The Stimulation” — a self-styled moniker à la “The Hulk” or “The Phantom” is rapidly becoming compulsory for any Guido with ambition — but the hairstyles and attire are pitch perfect. Toss in a plot that hopefully includes a switchblade, brass knuckles, and body spray, and I’m happy to let the whole experience go Videodrome on me. I just can’t decide whether the guy with the slickback ‘do or the stacked fireplug (I’m a sucker for thickset guys who get that distinct roll on the back of their neck when they hold their head a certain way) is my pick of the litter.

It doesn’t end there. Since Guidodom is something of an ethnic substratum of the Douchebag/Tool phenom, then Douche Porn had to take root, and because there’s a pipeline between reality TV and gay porn, it was only a matter of time before the nozzleheads from Tool Academy or I Love Money put out for the cash. Let’s face it, between Jake Cruise and iPhones, they never stood a chance. Most of these guys already use porn-ready pseudonyms, so 6 Guage (above, right) from the put-me-off-women-forever Daisy of Love douche squall pumping up his dick for Playgirl shower duty seems comparatively…classy?

Because I have boundaries, I can only watch clips of Tool Academy, but the first season seemed to have the hottest hammers in the tool box, so it’s fortunate StraightCollegeMen.com (and do note that these guys likely washed out of DeVry) has tapped year one alums Ryan “Matsuflex” Matsunaga (above left) and Shawn “Loud Mouth Tool” Southern (middle) for some standard-issue jerk-off/bukakke action. Somehow, the fact that most of these men would be entirely presentable if you could only just teach them proper grooming, how to read, and to not chase shiny things is what gives them their rapey appeal.

When your second big claim to fame is nailing one of Tiger Woods‘s blonde skanks, it’s pretty much compulsory that you will become a VH1 fixture or do porn, so props to both for taking the more dignified road. The supreme moment of synergy between two media complements: Flock of Seagulls-maned Shawn spraying all over Ryan’s tattoo. His Tool Academy tattoo. That’s-a-good-a exploitation!

And I got your Jersey Shore right here…

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