If you A) hate Disney, and B) would skim through Reader’s Digest or Cat Fancy before you would even think of touching People, then you can’t be blamed for missing Jake Gyllenhaal‘s self-stroking, content-free interview which officially takes the tiara as the most unintenionally homoerotic “I didn’t get juiced for a part I was ethnically miscast for in the first place!” deflection ever put on record:

“[I] never did anything this intensive before [to change my body]. It’s a physical role. And when I commit to playing a part, it’s 110 percent,” said the 29-year-old actor. “We worked really closely with David Belle, who invented Parkour. I worked with a lot of gymnasts. I started jumping off of a lot of things that were padded and learned the fundamental stuff, and then slowly started working on harder surfaces, really carefully. And I’d say, “OK, I’ll try it,” and then I’d say, “OH GOD. OH, please.” But then I’d get it, and we’d go a little further and a little longer and a little higher and just kept it up,” explained Gyllenhaal, who did many of his own stunts during filming, even scaring himself at some points. “It got a little bit dicey there near the end, when they saw that I liked doing things that were dangerous. I tried my hand at things that were pushing it a little bit. There was this big 35 foot jump that I did that got a little hairy.”

Yowsa! Is he submitting to the will of freakin’ gravity or warming up for his porn debut with a Falcon Manrammer in Medium/Beige? Hey, if Jakey’s doe-eyed, pweaze-wuv-me gaze can’t convince you that — like Hugh Jackman, Ryan Reynolds, Gerard Butler, Jared Padalecki, and the Twilight douches — he was able to pack on pounds of beef by jumping off of things onto other things, then what will? After all, when you think of musclebound warrior gods, don’t the bulky behemoths of Parkour immediately spring to mind?

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