If this was a Lifetime movie, it would star Jennie Garth or Lisa Rinna as an improbably dollsome Middle American high school history teacher who inspires her students to succeed. Because she’s kindly and married to a carpenter or a landscaper, it never enters into her wittle mind that by undertaking private tutoring sessions with the semi-literate resident campus stud, she might also be inspiring him to wanna dick her hard Viking-style. That involves the receiver on their shoulders with ass pointed upward while the inserter faces away and hunches forward with their hands on their knees. The Magyars stole it from us — to be fair, we did rape the hell out of them, hence the term — and now it’s all over their gay porn features.

Said student will be played by either the second male lead on Gossip Girl or the fourth male lead on One Tree Hill, and when he puts the moves on her, she’ll protest “I can’t do this! I’m up for tenure and I’m in the PTA!” or “But there are ethical implications to consider!,” even though she knows she wants it nasty Viking-style. Admit it!

In turn, he’ll pull her close to him and say “You can’t tell me you don’t feel what I’m feeling!” She’ll resist over the next forty minutes, prompting him to seethe “You can’t stop me from loving you — you bitch!” Her windshield will get broken, and pillows will also be shredded.

But this isn’t a Lifetime movie. It’s early ’80s gay porn, and thus pretenses that everyone isn’t both begging for it and wanting to dish it out are superfluous. In place of a conflicted, on-hiatus nighttime soap actress, we get Matt Ramsey/Peter North — a disjuncture of a different sort — asserting “I like teaching! No question about that! It was both rewarding and a challenge!” You think MR/PN’s going to equivocate about doing it Viking style and blasting downtilt into his own mouth? Neeeevvvver! He’s too in-tune with the student body — or at least one of them — to remain oblivious to sexual tension. “I sensed something fieeeerce burning inside him! I could see it — in his eyes!,” relates our slack-jawed, puppy-eyed pedant, which culminates in one of porndom’s most expedient set-ups: having to stay after class.

And isn’t this really how this scenario tends to play out? Haven’t we all been caught red-handed with smut in our textbooks and a raging boner? Doesn’t every one of us have a bangable teacher in our pasts who we propositioned in an over-modulated voice-over? Can you really say that you haven’t tested the waters by massaging an authority figure’s groin when he puts a hand on your shoulder?

Is it killing me inside that Matt/Peter — I’ll call him Mapter — eerily looks and sounds like my tenth grade soccer coach with the stubble and great pecs who betrayed my lissome, sylph-like 16-year-old self in a way I can’t manage to reveal here?

Fuck yes it does, and he knows what he did.

© 2010, Shawn Baker. All rights reserved. Nightcharm.com