This is some generic actor from some lame vampire franchise that I haven’t seen and avert my eyes from any mention of because it was much cooler when it was called Dark Shadows, Forever Knight, Buffy, or Angel.

I’ll call him Dakota Hammer.

Clearly graduating from the Josh Hartnett school of forehead furrowing = emoting, Dakota assures us that his employer Men’s Health has “great articles to read” — We know! We’ve read all five of them! — and so you know he’s a filthy, lying man-whore who’ll say anything for cash. His tell? He glances for a moment offscreen as if to query, “Wait? Am I telling a not-truth? For realz?” After he postures and flaunts it for the camera, he opines “It’s a great men’s…magazine…,” and while the too-practiced cock of his eyebrow makes him seem confident of that fact, the rising inflection of his voice makes it instead play interrogatively.

“It’s a great men’s…magazine?”

Dakota Hammer has obviously slept with untold number of women, and we know this because he utters ruminations like “I enjoy being outdoorsey and doing very masculine things. I like being rough & getting hurt,” punctuated with coy glances of hooded eyes and downturned brow. If stupid, lollypop-headed women who model are to be commended for their strength and perseverance in walking in a straight line or smiling with their eyes, then stupid, top-heavy men inspire acclaim for their continued efforts to make repetitive motions with their limbs a veritable ethos.

While traveling via air, Dakota laments, “It’s really frustrating for me because I’ve just been on way too many airplanes and I try to do those workout things on the airplane and everyone kind of got annoyed because maybe I was trying to workout and they’re like, ‘Argghh.’”

Hey, we’ve been there. Discrimination is wrong.

Proving there’s just no end to his ingenuity, Dakota has devised an adroit means of group fitness…using a deck of cards! I didn’t even bother finishing accompanying him on his desert odyssey after asking myself what he could possibly do to top that, and damn if that legitimacy divide that keeps Dakota on the cover of Men’s Health while Reese Rideout graces Men Magazine isn’t getting harder for me to distinguish.

Still, Dakota’s gonna really have to step up his game if he ever hopes of outdoing Le Hartnett when it comes to manly, rugged gravitas:

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