…Billy Jayne.

Some people mature into hotness, while others are born scorching. Giving birth to Billy Jayne had to result in second degree burns.

Jayne (alternately credited as Billy Jacoby) was the first person close-ish to my age that I was attracted to as a child — even as a youngin’, I was usually a slut for authority — and it helped that he was one of those young actors who regularly appeared on Big ’80s series like Benson, Silver Spoons, The Golden Girls, The A-Team, 21 Jump Street, and (DVD release, please) The Charmings. That made him familiar and approachable to me.

I distinctly remember imagining he was my boyfriend while I spun The Police’s “Every Breath You Take” and Blondie’s “Union City Blue” on my Fisher Price record player, and even though I had a rudimentary idea of what sex was at best — I continue to scoff at anyone who claims kids are “innocent” — I knew I wanted to do it with him. His wavy brunet locks, masculine Irish-Italian features, and husky voice turned me on and made him seem different from me. During my ’80s Sword & Sorcery obsession (it goes on), he played young Dar in The Beastmaster, which I found swooningly awesome.

Most people are likely to recognize Billy from the gender-being comedy Just One of The Guys in which he plays the horny younger brother of the chick who passes herself off as a guy. Herein, he’s frankly too good-looking and sexy for his age, and I began to wonder if I was somehow “other” in that I found the sight of him in a sleeveless shirt saying “Hey, yo, scumbag! Suck your own! Eat me!” more exciting than the leading lady’s tits.

In his teens, Billy starred in a spate of trashy movies like Party Camp and Spring Fling! — along with Dr. Alien, in which he essayed a hot geek who grows an antenna out of his head when he gets hard — and this today grants him a Ronnie Bostock quality for me.

Watching him play the prettiest bitch on campus in Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, I’m struck by how he can make dated ’90s fashions like black vests worn over white T-shirts, lots of flannel, and really high hair with long sideburns not look embarrassingly dated. He’s one of those talents I think should’ve become a big star as I marvel at Hollywood’s mystifying ability to overlook obvious star quality.

Today, Billy still acts, is a musician, must be somebody lucky’s personal piece, and has three kids. Not all child actors dessicate by the time they hit twenty, and Billy is, if possible, even more babe-like as a hot daddy with still-boyish features. If I ever cross paths with him, I’ve decided I will offer him my sylph-like body to do with as he pleases, even though it I know it will result in bemusement for him and rejection for me. Still, I’m resolute.

For old times’ sake.

© 2010, Shawn Baker. All rights reserved. Nightcharm.com