Under God.
Two innocuous enough words that lie at the heart of all the traditionalist handwringing, conspiracy-mongering, speaking-in-tongues mania that claws and grasps with venal avarice in an attempt to drag us all back to the ’50s, the ’80s, the ’90s — anytime before Fu Manchu stole the presidency and began plotting to take out the Heartland with his Ice Ray.
I’m not much of a joiner, and I guess that’s what’s kept me from ever bothering to park my ass in a pew to listen glaze-eyedly to an assortment of arcane prophecy and lame parable. I don’t care who begat whom. Just the terminology regularly employed to evoke faith says it all: “flock,” “follow,” “sheep,” “serve,” “Lord,” “surrender.” All that comes to mind is a medieval fiefdom wherein the serfs toil in numbed fealty for a king who dwells in a castle on the hill with an order of priests and politicians as his boot-licking vassals.
Sure, the Church essentially exists to convince the proletariat to accept its lowly earthly lot while taking its money, and Satan is little more than an obscure Biblical reference seized upon by the Elders to be deployed as the world’s most effective scare tactic, but whatev. There are monsters, there are angels…
Take Cindy Jacobs, the self-styled prophet, faith healer, and exorcist — Aimee Semple McPherson by way of Marjoe Gortner — whose commitment to the Lord is so snowy white that it manifests itself in the go-to uniform for Conservative ladies about to succumb to the vapors: a string of pearls and Jerri Blank hair.
With the November elections looming, God saw fit to speak through Cindy as if she were hosting an infomercial in order to enlighten the faithful that they can alter the course of the country by starving themselves and wishing really hard. Nobody pushed harder for “Drill Baby, Drill!” than the Wackbag Right, and since it never makes bad decisions, the disaster in the Gulf had to be God’s wrath upon someone else, so we have its prayers to thank for making it all better. You really can be both part of the problem and all of the solution.
Republican polices never fail. They simply aren’t implemented rightly enough. We need more tax cuts for the wealthy. Bigger ways to blow things up. No government to stand in the way of the corporations and the megachurches. Zero tolerance for illegal immigration, even though it’s a direct result of the Free Market utilizing a cheap labor force, and while the Orthodox Capitalists cringe at government interfering with the invisible hand of the sacred Market, it’s fine when they do it because poor people and the help are getting something for nothing. And mooching is a sin.
Soon everything will be back to normal. “Prophet” and “Profit” are homonyms for a reason. God rewards with meaningless plenty.
And the Tea Party: always able to hold two conveniently distinct and cognitively dissonant mindsets in its head without having blood trickle out of its collective ear. You see, executive authority is absolute and never questioned by real patriots so long as said executive wears a cowboy hat and has a monosyllabic last name. Majority rules. The system works.
But, if he should deviate from that standard, then the democratically held election that opened the doors of the White House to him must be fraudulent. If you’re white and Evangelical, it’s A-OK to diminish the votes of an informed electorate as you resort to far-out cabalistic connivances, cynical end-runs around the election process, and even threats of violence in order to nullify a result that didn’t go your way. It’s only bad when hippies and Black Panthers do it.
The Constitution is only written in fucking stone when it comes to protecting the Second Amendment, but it’s merely an Etch A Sketch if you want to ditch the Thirteenth and Fourteenth ones. Those just benefit the brown people. Freedom is a wonderful thing provided white, Christian souls are the ones who have it, and discrimination only ever really exists when they perceive someone else might get it too, because, like oil, freedom is a finite resource.
Whack shacks are chock full of people who think God guides their actions or that they’re Paul Revere, so you know that’s just part of the Liberals’ grand scheme to rig the elections, and though it’s probable that no book has inspired more righteous loons to kill than the Bible, that doesn’t matter: the Church is the only State. It begs the question though: if the Bible is such a ready-made government framework, why did the founders bother with a Constitution at all? Why weren’t Levitical taboos against shell fish and poly/cotton blends ratified into law? Shouldn’t witchcraft and The Gay constitute treason? Can’t we bring back scarlet letters? They were such great deterrents.
God doesn’t condescend to work with us — he works over us, and that means giving him all the credit for when things go right for you, and none of the blame for when they don’t. Never question, only deprive yourself as you do his bidding and consolidate precious power.
We beseech thee: feets don’t fail us now!
© 2010, Shawn Baker. All rights reserved. Nightcharm.com
Is it copyright infringement if I print this out (sans cocks and ass shots) and hand it out to my family at the Thanksgiving table this year?
As for the Lord’s flock: When I read about some poor kid getting kidnapped and tortured to death, I think…now “God” didnt see fit to intervene and stop this fucker from mutilating this kid over a couple of days.
But according to His followers he sure as fuck made sure New Jersey didnt get gay marriage. Or he went to the trouble of putting the image of Mary on a piece of toast. Or he made sure it rained over gay pride weekend. Or he helped you find your car keys.
Devout faith appears to be a degenerative mental illness. In this light, the actions of the Republican party start to make absolute sense.
Oh, Nightcharm…why do you hate America?
(I kid…!)
And Jack Van Impe is a complete loon, in case you haven’t noticed. I love the way he can take the most banal headlines, (“Pope Gets New Hat”, for example) filter them through the Book of Revelation, and the inescapable conclusion is always ARMAGEDDON! Amazing.
You should really try painting with a broader brush. I don’t think you have covered everything.
Seriously, why such venom? I don’t think you really represent the most common viewpoints here – just the most damaged ones.
Try Thinking, have you heeded the advice suggested by your own screen name?
“Why such venom?” Have you been paying attention at all? This country is in the grip a of Christofascist Crusade, and you can do nothing more than attack Shawn, who is merely the messenger? And it isn’t some fringe group anymore, as it’s becoming more and more mainstream. Their vocalness alone indicates to me that their ranks swell daily.
While little-heard AM radio was once the bastion of the foaming-at-the-mouth paleoconservative, Jesus freak camp, slowly but surely this “viewpoint” has become a part of the broader media landscape. How else could you possibly explain the viewership of Glenn Beck? These people’s complete inability to formulate a rational argument–let alone a worldview–should bar them from even having a seat at the table, yet they’ve completely overrun it and derailed every opportunity we’ve had for making any real progress.
I’ve always found it amazing that no matter how batshit crazy an individual’s (or group’s) assertions are, there is never any shortage of people confused or broken enough to be taken in by it. You label what Shawn did as painting with too broad a brush. From my perspective, what you’re doing is allowing these fools to continue drinking the Kool Aid.
Recommended: Alejandro Amenabar’s recent film ‘Agora’, set in ancient Alexandria, starring Rachel Weisz as the astronomer-philosopher Hypatia in a conflict between science and fundamentalism during the early years of Christianity. (Guess who wins? Hint: Not science!) The scary thing is realizing how little has changed in the intervening 1600 years. People professing the love of Christ will always be happy to rip you limb from limb for not sharing their faith, and not understand why you think they are hateful(Don’t you get it? Jesus DIED for you!) I’m coming to realize that Christianity isn’t the problem- it’s humanity (i.e. human nature) that’s the problem.
“I don’t think you really represent the most common viewpoints here – just the most damaged ones.”
The GOP handed the reins over to the snake handlers and the soothsayers back in the early ’80s. Reality isn’t even incidental to the party’s policies anymore.
Babies born without brains or hearts will (I guess?) be magically healed by angels once they leave the birth canal. Phoenix is now apparently the kidnapping capital of the world, and Mexican gangs are taking over ranches and beheading fine, white ‘mericans down in Texans. Oils spills are perfectly natural and can be prayed away. If you can’t beat an opponent on policy or debate, just craft a wildly improbable scenario that delegitimizes him/her as a foreign devil, fag, witch, or Manchurian Candidate. Shake, bake, and serve with a fat white guy and a blonde talking head as mouthpieces.
The Free Market is itself a God that will always provide if you pay it tribute and never second guess it, and poverty is always the result of laziness and being a hophead. Women have betrayed their families by working outside the home, even though Right Wing union-busting and wage-undercutting have forced them to. The only way for minorities to gain equality is to take it away from Ma and Pa Kettle. Gays all have money and control the government.
Seriously, if I’ve missed something sane in that litany, do elaborate, but I suspect the implication is clear: the White/Might Is Right! Movement gave itself over to generating a self-serving narrative in which ideology is paramount over everything else. For all its pulpit-pounding about values, if you don’t value Truth, what do you really have that’s even worth losing, much more taking away?
My understanding of the biblical definition of marriage…one man with a whole bunch of women…sort of like those FDLS people. Careful what you pray for!
After watching those two videos, I can say…..what a collection of crazies.
Fasting to get out the vote….good luck on that one. Have you ever seen those, fat, white people in church.
Rev. V….reads so much….just do the math. He must never sleep, eat or pray just read read read….from his big belly we know the not eating thing is a lie. Love his assistant’s whiny voice….she looks like so many pinched, church women….can i day sexually repressed.
Only in THE USA could we have such interesting media whores.
…Amen, Nightcharm, Aaaaaahmen!…like i say, i witnessed fuck all, so there ain’t no point in asking me…do you know though, can’t help feeling that things getting more conservative (with a small ‘c’) over here…once upon a time you could colour the airwaves blue on Brit tv, now they’re suspended for slipping a ‘fuck’ in…we gone all respectable…and if i have to see two more blokes sharing a horse drawn carriage on their way to get married, i think i’m gonna puke…rusty has gone off on a tangent again, i can’t stand elton john…nuff said…
Absolutely brilliant.