“Whoa! Whoa, Dude! Whoa!”: Blue Lines Blow Away

by An Unpaid Intern

My mind reflexively catalogues terrible porn dialogue for future use. You always end up needing it later. An offhand remark like “I’ll tell you a secret: I like to suck dick!” could conceivably be met with a reply of “Really! That’s interesting — because I like to get my dick sucked!”

I have to admire the inspiration of any porn player who has the sense to call out “Oh! I’m getting fucked!”…while getting fucked, which is rather like shouting “Help! I’m rolling down a hill!”

Even highly baroque and stagey porn set pieces — a secret agent massaging an Arabian sheik’s groin and asking “Is this some kind of a weapon?,” only to be assured “No — that is just my royal penis!” — could prove handy.

The above footage — starring two right-off-the-pavement hustlers — opens at a Fresno strip mall and culminates in a Lurid Digs-worthy apartment complete with a marble pillar, mounted sword, and lava lamp. This is easily the wonkiest, most wince-inducing porn exchange I’ve ever borne witness to — and I’ve seen Pheromones: The Smell of Sex, featuring a cadre of gay woodland demons whose leader wears Tim Curry‘s horns from Legend (!) and a finale involving a climactic earthquake achieved by shaking the camera.

This has everything: models who can’t even walk convincingly, much more speak; superfluous voice-over soliloquies; a breaking-the-fourth-wall interpolation about being thirsty; wretched improvised dialogue that has one player turning toward the camera and breaking into laughter; the phantom girlfriend who gives great head; and a meaningful connection brought about by a rainstick.

Watch in awe as the tall, rangey one struggles in vain to persuade that he’s an architecture student, while the leather-jacketed mouthbreather — they type who pronounces “do” as “doaaaooooooo” — exclaims “What kind of a guy are you, anyways!?” upon being propositioned like a pristine little flower. Fall to the floor as Mouthbreather’s quick-thinking pretext for defusing the sexual tension is to ask if Stretch has any Encyclopedias he can read. Commit to memory this immortal line delivered with utter sincerity, and save it for your next trip to a truck stop or White Castle parking lot on a Friday night:

“I give head like a woman without teeth.”