If you’re a certain variety of geek, then cryptic polysyllables like Nyarlathotep, Yog-Sothoth, and Shub-Niggurath will have a significance for you outside of bringing to mind Native American-titled hamlets scattered throughout Southern New York or the sound of violent hay fever.

You’ll know them as key cognomens in the works of author H.P. Lovecraft, the celebrated fantasy writer who dreamed up not only a new form of horror, but a mind-bending cosmogony chronicling humankind’s infinitesimal place in the universe. I’ve long contended that if Creationism — which only raises more questions than it answers — is taught in schools, then Lovecraft’s collective Cthulhu Mythos should be part of the curriculum as well. In this cosmic horror, the earth began as but a petri dish for great, protoplasmic gods who fell from the stars, dwelt in imposing temples, engineered lesser forms of life (man decidedly not being born in their images), and ultimately abandoned it — or were banished from it — for far-flung gulfs in space.

I wonder if H.P. — who died unknown and flat-busted — could even begin to comprehend the loony array of public domain merchandise his life’s work has inspired; not only can you have titles like At The Mountains of Madness, The Dunwich Horror, and The Doom That Came To Sarnath populating your book and DVD shelves, but his stamp appears in comics, action figures, role-playing games, plush toys, water bottles, t-shirts, posters, bedroom slippers (!), and most recently…

…a 13” hand-crafted silicone dildo…

Yes, the Mythos Art Dildo — “an insane monstrosity” — is now available courtesy of Elastica Engineering’s Necronomicox division. I honestly find virtually every sex toy to be innately hilarious or bizarrely creepy, and since this combines both, it’s probably the only one I would want to buy and display in plain sight just for the hell of it. Would Howard Phillips, who was prone to getting the vapors, positively swoon at the very thought of having his own strap-on, much more the sight of it? “The world is indeed comic,” he’d say, “but the joke is on mankind.”

Even if dread elementals and batrachian beasties aren’t your bag, you still have options. This summer’s been something of an oasis of geek-friendly programming just begging for sex toy spin-offs.

There’s True Blood‘s weekly midnight movie full of sex and gore channeled right into your living room, Eric Balfour lookin’ fine in Haven, Being Human providing us with telegenic vamps and werewolves who aren’t rich twats or cut-off-jeans-clad pin-ups, the suburban monster conformist hell of The Gates, and Eddie McClintock as resident man-geek in Warehouse 13, all of them making the regular season of catty urbanites and by-the-book cops seem positively anemic. Even I’m feeling lately that it’s getting harder to be aroused if it doesn’t have fangs or sleep in a cage.

With geek libidos running high, Necronomicox’s line continues with both an Alien Xenomorph model (for the H.R. Giger devotee) and a Zombi Art custom job (there’s something for everybody), all the better to save for Halloween when AMC’s much-anticipated The Walking Dead — starring hot-ass Andrew Lincoln (above, right) as an undead-battling lawman — sends dorks everywhere over the edge.

Cthulhu is rising indeed.

© 2010, Shawn Baker. All rights reserved. Nightcharm.com