Straight Men Live Longer With One-Way Gay Blowjobs!

By An Unpaid Intern / Saturday, December 11th, 2010

Who knew? Well, homos throughout the universe of course. A groundbreaking study recently revealed that straight men who are regularly fellated by homosexual men have a lower risk of developing prostate and testicular cancer. Imagine that!

Spearheaded by University of Montana Sexual & Liberal Studies research fellow Dr. Wendel Jones, the study was was initially met with jeers and snickering when first proposed in 2005, but Jones persevered to get funding, and was finally able to get it off the ground a year later.

“Conducted over a period of four years, the research involved 600 men aged 23 to 54 who exclusively identify as heterosexual and enjoy penetrative vaginal sex with women. They were divided into two groups: one received oral sex on a daily basis from a team of experienced homosexual men, while the other did not. At the end of the study, all 600 were screened for prostate and testicular cancer. Eight tested positive for prostate cancer; six for testicular. All fourteen were from the group that did not get serviced orally by gay men.”

Experts who have examined the results believe it may have something to do with “innate body resonance” (IBR), which refers to the human body’s natural, ingrained inclination to react positively to external stimuli coming from another person of the same sex. In this case, the oral stimulation of a man’s genitals by another man results in a positive metabolic effect that is magnified intrinsically by the body and improves its chances of resisting prostate and testicular cancer development.

“Gay men often like to say that no one knows how to please a man better than another man,” said Dr. Gayle Darvill. “Well, it’s not just a pick-up line. It’s innate body resonance…The evidence is just overwhelming and impossible to ignore,” added Jones, who identifies as heterosexual and also took part in the study. “If you’re a straight guy, getting sucked off by another guy is not as bad as it looks, and does not deserve the social stigma it presently carries.”

But damn! Don’t tell any of your straight friends, (especially those you’ve been eyeballing lately) about this story — all of the above is utter comic fantasy. Brought to you by the fine folks of Bent Spud, an Onion-like humor website.

We’re shattered. And, oddly, very horny right now.

http://www.bosguy.blogspot.com BosGuy

Happy to do my part to help keep these guys healthy — provided I get to pick the guys…
Anonymous

Yet another important reason put an end to Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.
salieri1969

There’s probably a grain of truth to this. I believe I’ve heard that men who ejaculate more frequently have lower rates of prostate cancer. If so, a straight man with a low-sex-drive girlfriend would get a health benefit from being serviced by a gay buddy.
jmatts78

That’s cute and all, but for the results to be accurate they would have also needed to study frequent ejaculation in other forms too: f/m oral, masturbation, f/m, m/m penetrative sex. All we can honestly claim here is that frequent ejaculation lowers the risk of cancer.

I do like what they’re getting at, however :p
jmatts78

And leave it to me to completely gloss over the part where it comes from “The Onion.” Fuck.
nikko

Same here, jmatts78!! I was just about to call my straight friend with the good news!! I’ve blown him a few times in the past but it’s been a long time. I was hoping to get him stirred up with this “scientifc” finding!!!
Anon

I’m certain that getting fellated lowers cancer rates, but the reasons given are ludicrous. Like a lot of things, sperm or seminal fluid are cancer-causing. Leave them in your system sitting there and you’re more likely to get cancer. Flush them out, and you’re less likely to get cancer. The sex or sexuality of the person giving you a blow job has nothing to do with it.

And jerk off all you can. Obviously.
Anonymous

According to the bible male homosexual sodomy is not classified as fellatio between two consenting adult males.