A Procrastinator’s Guide To The Holidays

Struggling to find the perfect gift? In need of some novel gift-giving inspiration? Antipathetic toward gift baskets and scrapbooks?

Here are some must-haves that are sure to satisfying giver and receiver alike.

For the film connoisseur in your life:

The Falcon 35th Anniversary Box Set boasts for fucking decades of boner-baiting, haunch-banging, ass-blasting action, beginning with the heyday of the porn-stached ’70s and continuing down the loooong line to the cum-basted New Millennium. Classic scenes from The Other Side of Aspen, Spokes, The Abduction, California Kings, and The Farmer’s Son are just a few of the delights included in this epic retrospective. See! icons like Al Parker, Casey Donovan, Kevin Williams, Chad Douglas, Ken Ryker, Tom Chase, and Roman Heart poundin’ ass and sprayin’ loads. 5 discs! 35 Scenes! Over 11 Hours! Sure, you’ll probably develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome by New Year’s, but what a way to wear out your wrist by celebrating the true meaning of Christmas.

For the boy who has everything:

Anything that promises a hands-free orgasm is bound to get you a good thank you card.  The Euphoria Enhanced Prostate Massager is a toy for boys that promises just that. As a cheaper alternative to Aneros line of prostate massagers, the Euphoria will get your rocks off without breaking the bank.

A quick lesson on how this works, a prostate massager allows you to use your pubococcygeus (PC) muscles alone to stimulate your prostate, i.e. the male g-spot. Look ma, no hands!

If you wanna see this bad boy in action check it out.

For the unappeasable techie:

The I-Pad, it dragged me kicking and screaming into the 21st century and now that I’m here I’m never looking back. Yes its pricey, but you can read books on it, check email, do work, play games, write music, and more. Most importantly, you can look at porn on it (Preferably Nightcharms’ Porn). Was the web made for anything else really?

For the rest:

Sometime it’s best to just keep it simple. I’ve always found a blow job suffices. Happy Holidays!