The Boy Called Iron Rod: Your Guide To Mormon Baby Names

So you’ve set your sights on having your own gayby, but you’re fretting about what to call it. You need to choose wisely, because the wrong name will effectively doom a child from square one. If you brand a girl with a soap opera name like Cassidy, Kendall, or Harmony, she will be a major bitch and end up either as a high end escort or a senator’s mistress.

Just imagine all of the childhood playground beatings and eventual rehab that celebrities could have spared their kiddies if they only would’ve thought for a moment before name-cursing them with the likes of Tu Morrow, Moxie Crimefighter, Pilot Inspektor, Audio Science, and Reignbeau? Really, what chance does a girl named Trinket Flowers or a boy called Jadynaire actually have at life?

So it you want to be original and daring while still keepin’ it classy, then make a point of checking out The Utah Baby Namer, whose cup runneth over with vowel-y agnomens straight out of a Little House On The Prairie episode or a late-’70s Marvel Lost World comic book. Why, you could almost swear that the Mormons were trying to stave off the wholesome boredom of their lives through name scrabble.

Our personal faves for a boy, all guaranteed to make his segue into gay porn that much more seamless: Amren, Antrim Zeezrom, Atreyu (“Tuuuuuurn around — look at what you seeeeeeee!”), Bailyn (very Middle Earth), Bedlam (Dibs!), Bliss, Breed (Boo-ya!), Cage, Chevrolette, Cree-L, Djeryd Teancum, Dwodger, Garn, Honey Baretta, Iron Rod, J?Dee (seriously), Kaiden Chipper, Leviathan, Lucky Blue, Mavryck, Pledger, Radbod, Shaygan, Slaughter, Tat, Traxton Tick, Vilar Bodily, and Zinx.