Action Is His Reward: Here Comes Spider-Man!

Spider-Man apparently getting the Tawny Kitaen treatment on the roof of a car by the lead singer from the excruciating Nickelback.

The truth is, every gay nerd has entertained some fantasy in which Peter Parker ditches the bitches and gets defiled by one — or all — of the villains.

Mine involves Spidey — as played by muscle twink Kurt Wild — being overwhelmed and compelled into reverse cowboying leopard-print-clad Colton Ford as great white hunter Kraven while sucking off his sons (I’m flexible on casting here), who cheer Dad on and fight for PP’s ass as if it were a rare and precious rhino horn.

In the end, Spidey gets sprayed with webbing of a whole different kind, and still virtuous even in defeat, takes his long walk of shame home, plotting slow and merciless Revenge!