Look On Up From The Bottom: Michael Lucas Is A Tight-Ass

If you’re like me, then the sex appeal of gay porn doyen Michael Lucas ranks down there with David Caruso or the entire male cast of Two And A Half Men.

Maybe it’s that awful Zoolander pouts he perpetually sports. Could be that I have zero interest in the hoity-toity international porn full of zoned-out looking Euro models he produces. His insistence on being in front of the camera in order to lecherously casting couch his models even though nobody but him wants to see that might have something to do with it. I also could give a fuck what a porn entrepreneur thinks about Israeli-Palestinian relations too, and the fact that he’s a wealthy GOProud quisling pretty much tops off my antipathy.

Anyway, Michael’s such a virile sex god among mere mortals that he confided to Michael Musto over dinner that he just can’t bring himself to spread for dick.

I know. The revelation hit me close to home too. Damn, I say.

“I know that I fuck very well,” says born Top Man Michael eloquently, “but it’s not because I was fucked!” Hey, it’s not as if we could ever expect Michael to condescend to take one for his partner’s pleasure — Michael ain’t gonna spread for no roses! Nothing else about him is remotely giving or inviting anyway. In the end, only the thrill of being Michael — and barring that, having your world rocked by Michael — can move him.

But there’s even more — or less! — to the Lucas persona! He can’t even suck dick worth a damn! “In my Falcon days,” he relates wistfully, “they made me do it and it was OK. But I thought, ‘These guys really know how to suck a dick!’ I was awful.”

Why, I could almost believe that coupling with a preening, pouting, pornographic enfant terrible is the gay equivalent of scoring with a top model and finding out she won’t go down on you because jizz has too many calories!