We can claim innocence, but we have all been guilty of perusing the clientele of certain men’s “dating” sites such as Manhunt, Grindr, LifeOut, or Scruff.
These sites have essentially grown into the 21st century edition of cruising. While there is a site that caters to every type of guy, they all usually feature the ability to post a profile picture. Not that I look thoroughly through these sites or anything, but I have become increasingly aware of the poor choices made with these pictures. As the classy gentlemen that we all are — and seeing how we would hate for our friends or family find out that we are on such sinful sites — we prefer not to use “face pics.” This no-face practice has led to a trend in profile picture subjects that are simply comical.
Let me break it down:
The Cock Pic: This is the most straight forward (or sometimes crooked) message relayed by profile pictures. These pictures sometimes feature a cock in ill lighting from above, or from the side, for that this-is-my-best-angle look. These pictures say “I want to put this somewhere,” but beware, looks can be misleading. Following a dick’s invitation will most likely lead to the This-is-not-what-you-looked-like-in-your-picture dilemma.
The Torso: Perhaps it’s due to my inclination for the hairy, beefy type, but I just don’t get what this is about. What is the message you’re trying to send here? I get it, I could wash my delicates on your six-pack, but unless you’re going to wash and fold my laundry, I’m not into it. Give me something more to work with. And have a sandwich.
Feet: Putting your best foot forward, eh? The foot fetish is not something that is completely lost on me; it’s not my thing, but I get it. Foot fetishism is one of the most popular sexual practices with non-sexual objects, but unless you are literally just going to suck the toes of a stranger with no regard for who he is, then keep your feet in your shoes.
Ass-ets: I think this picture says about six words: “This is where I want it!” My only qualm with this genre is seeing a man on all fours, ass spread, with a profile that says versatile/top. Don’t bullshit a bullshitter.
Dick In Ass/Mouth: Call me old-fashioned, but I’m not much for sloppy seconds. When your profile clearly states, “Oral Only” we know what you’re going to do, but I’ve always had a Star Trek-ean approach to sex in that I want this to go where no man has gone before. I know it’s not true, but can’t a boy dream?
When you are able to beach the no face pic issue, there are still some things that shouldn’t fly:
Eating/Drinking: All in all, not cute. Unless you look like Chef Sam Talbot when you eat, nothing is less flattering than shoving a pile of meat into your face (see Dick In Mouth above). As for drinking, I love a good libation, and maybe it’s my southern upbringing, but as my mother would say when taking a picture, “Put your drink down. You look like a lush.”
Mirror Shot & Duck Face: Are you telling me in an age of Facebook that you don’t have a single picture of you that someone else has taken? If you do decide to take your own picture, just avoid the “Duck Face” pose, the one taken from above with pouted lips (Tom Hardy (right) is the ONLY person allowed to do this). If you’re going to take the mirror shot, fine, but please don’t use your iPhone because you are just going to end up on Guys with iPhones.
This begs the question: when looking for that next “date” what do you prefer to see first?