Busted!: How To Nail The Perfect Gay Porn Mugshot

Look, times are tough.

Deep down, we’re all wanting to foment an urban riot, join a vicious gang, start a fire, and serve up a serious beat-down.

The trick is to plan ahead for if and when the law catches up to you.

Frankly, the only reason I haven’t been murdered yet is because I expect to be murdered by everyone around me, so just as I take steps to avoid being snuffed, I also plan ahead for my eventual arrest — in the sense that I want to take a really great mugshot.

Not since the ’40s Golden Age of Hollywood when producers foolishly — and futilely — tried to crack down on the bad behavior of their stars has the fallen celebrity perp walk and mugshot been as highly scrutinized as it is now. Lately, it seems like everybody — from the entitled A-List, to the wannabe D-List — are flaring out pretty damn spectacularly. Sloshed Hollywood actresses are staging jailbreaks that wouldn’t be out of place in a Charlie’s Angels episode, and with even mainstream models willing to engage in bow-chick-a-bow-wow porn exposition to get out of a clinch, gay porn stars who get busted have got to bring their photogenic A-Games to keep up.

So, if you are a pro who finds himself altered, unruly, and jizz-spattered at the wrong place and time — or like me, you want to be well-versed in mugshot composition just in case — here’s what to keep in mind in order to be ready for your big close-up — all of it guaranteed to give you the Jane Fonda effect over the unfortunate Nick Nolte:

Don’t just think “I’m totally, like, innocent!” Project it. Project it!

I know exactly how I want my mugshot to play. Ethereal. Vulnerable. Doe-eyed. My head slightly upturned with skyward-raised eyes and a faint halo-like nimbus around me like a coronet — just like the tousle-haired, beautiful white trash daughter from The Devil’s Rejects or maybe Lindsay Lohan (the first time around at least). It’s a look that says “Why, I couldn’t have possibly knifed anyone — I’m a delicate fairy princess who dances on spider webs sprinkled with morning dew!”

If you’re collegiate-looking and handsomely symmetrical, this is the aura you want to exude, even if you’re on your second strike. Marcus Allen (above left, convicted of murder) and Dustin Michaels (above right, who choked to death on his stash while getting tased for a disorderly conduct bust) are making it work for them. Keep the eyes puppy-like but not too wide. Use the fullness of your lips to your advantage without doing the duck face pout. Stick with the almost imperceptible Mona Lisa smile. This here is why I never leave the house with my hair wadded up under a baseball cap, always go clean-shaven, and avoid any T-shirt emblazoned with frat boy humor like “Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape” or “Your Mom, My Dick — Let’s Make This Happen.”

Don’t tempt the universe.

Guilty Are The Douche-Faced!

Look, no matter how blitzed you may be when the police pull you over or respond to your domestic disturbance, do not smile like the cat that ate the canary for your close-up. As if his awful nom de porn weren’t already indicative of horrible judgment, Tory Mason (right) opted to look like he’d just been called up to the blackboard while sporting a huge boner. Please, please summon up some dignified stoicism and pretend you’re marching to your doom at the guillotine, not channeling Seann William Scott or James Franco.

Also, if you have even the slightest doubt that you might lose control and, say, knock over a liquor store or roll a trick, dress and groom appropriately. Ditch the soul patch and any other aggressive facial hair in advance. Abstain from sporting inky black Emo hair or American Idol-style bird’s nest ‘dos. These will not help you out of a jam. Dog murderer Jason Creed (above right) falters on all counts here, and ends up resembling one of the West Memphis Three, which is not the look you want to go for.

So take some good advice, and pull your shit together before you leave the house, you douchey, douchey blunt-fucks.

Prison Hill Has Eyes

It’s for the best if you forfend big, spooky owl eyes when you get booked. You really don’t want to give off a Gollum air, my precious. It’s just so…rapey, and that’s gonna cost you. Don’t get me wrong — crazy eyes make for great mugshots, but I expect a certain glamor from a blue movie star, and if you can maintain your composure while getting bukkaked in Roid Rage Gang Bang, then surely you can give good face when you’re on the cusp of doing it all over again with the Aryan Brotherhood.

At left is a clockwise Rolodex of porno mugshot fails: Mark Dalton (in the clink for domestic violence) looking all waxy and ready to melt, Jack Venice — the sorority house rapist — making me want to reach for the pepper spray, Harlow Cuadra’s murder accomplice Joseph Kerekes giving off Chris Meloni circa Oz vibes, and Tommy Saxx — modern day grave-robbing hospital tech who stole a credit card off a dead police officer and got caught on video buying a flat-screen with it — up the creek and without a Burke to his Hare.

These crooked-ass crooks are on a one-way train to Crooklyn!

The Glowering Inferno!

Yes, it looks awesome, but you should only resort to the Gay Porn Glower if you’ve been caught red-handed with a human head or are already on your third DUI this year. This is a look that says “Fuck it all!” It can play sort of world-weary and crestfallen, like if you’re Brock Masters (top left), busted for violating parole and needing your pregnant girlfriend (Oy!) to post your bail, or if you’re methed-out Devin Draz (top right) realizing you’ve burned every bridge. Cody Castagna, nicked for grand theft, has that used but still vaguely boyish look that just screams reform school or perfect prison currency.

Hands-down the best Gay Porn Mugshot ever? That would be Addison (bottom right), male half of the Killer Porn Pair charged in a grisly Florida slaying. Baby, on a clear day you can see forever, and this guy is looking oblivion in the face dead-on. He looks amazing — all glacial and defiant — and that hooded Dexter by-way-of Norman Bates scowl with the one upturned eyebrow is pure pulp crime made manifest. “No jail can hold me,” he seems to be thinking, or is he expressing Patrick Bateman-esque nihilism? “My confession means nothing…”

No Shawshank Redemption for you!